Any Means Necessary
by Incidental Vegan Cannibal
Summary: With Joel gone, Ellie teams up with David to survive the harsh Colorado winter. To the edge of the universe and back, endure and survive- that's the imperative. And so she imagines herself on the cover of a comic book while she endures every awful act necessary for her to survive. Dub/noncon, underage, violence, animal deaths, incest, suicide, character deaths (not Ellie).
1. Chapter 1

Ellie buries Joel in front of a statue. She's thinks it might be the one near where she saw her first monkey. Either way, it's as far as she can drag his body. She uses a rusty shovel left lying in a nearby building, but her arms give out about two feet in. She grunts and huffs as she pulls him into the shallow grave and then presses her ear to his chest one last time. No breathing, no heartbeat, no nothing. She shovels a dirt blanket on him, even though her arms are shaking like crazy from exhaustion. She takes the ammo out of his gun and lays it on top of the grave as a shitty excuse for a tombstone.

"Thanks for getting me this far, Joel," she says. "And thanks for not abandoning me on purpose. It meant a lot, even though I guess you probably wish you had now, huh? Anyways... I hope you're with Sarah again. That would be really nice for you. Uh... sleep tight, I guess."

Callus carries her back to a neighborhood she and Joel passed through on their way to the college.

"What do you think, buddy?" she asks him as they trot through the snow flurries. "Should I try to find Salt Lake City on my own? Or should I try to head back the way we came and see if Tommy can take me?"

Callus snorts.

"Yeah, you're probably right," she says. "Traveling anywhere in this weather seems like a pretty terrible idea. Fucking snow. Maybe it'll clear up tomorrow."

The snow doesn't clear up tomorrow, or the day after, or two weeks after. Ellie goes hunting and scavenging just about every day and manages to find almost enough food for one small person. Callus runs out of feed and starts sharing Ellie's food. It's better than him starving to death, but it can't be good for him.

The silence hurts more than anything else. Ellie sits in the sunshine on clear days and tries to fix wires in her broken Walkman with her fingernails until her hands go numb from the cold. The quiet makes her think about everyone who died: Riley, Tess, Sam, Henry, Joel, probably Marlene. During the day, she can imagine them all having a sweet party and ghostily looking out for Ellie and taking bets on how long it takes her to join them. At night, she knows better. The only thing people do after death is stop existing.

Still, when she spots the stag, she secretly hopes Joel or Marlene or someone sent it her way. And when the stag leads her to people willing to trade her for new shoes and clothes and horse feed, she feels just a little bit religious about the whole deal. The way David takes out clickers and boosts Ellie onto high ledges reminds her so much of Joel, or at least of traveling with Joel.

"You handled yourself pretty nice back there," he says as he settles down by the fire. "I'd say we make a pretty good team, kid."

"You can call me Ellie," she says.

"Ellie," he repeats, warming his hands over the fire. "That's a pretty name."

"Thanks."

"No, thank you for trusting me. I know it's not easy these days."

"You had my back in there," she says. "With the clickers."

"Still, thank you," he says. "So tell me, Ellie, what's a little girl really doing out here all alone? I thought you said you had a big group with you. Couldn't anyone be bothered to go out hunting with you?"

"I told you, I don't like a lot of company," Ellie lies. "But it doesn't matter. I can handle myself."

"I know that. You'd probably last longer than I would out on my own! Still doesn't really answer my question. Even people who don't like company usually take some out hunting, especially in weather like this. You got a death wish, or does the rest of your group have it in for you?"

Ellie doesn't answer. She's not great at bluffing, and she's not about to tell a strange man she just met in the woods that she's completely on her own. That's just asking for trouble.

"You know, Ellie, if you ever decide to part ways with your current group, you're welcome to join ours. We have a whole town of folks that take care of each other- men, women, children. We could use a tough fighter like you."

Ellie's so tired of being alone that she almost takes him up on the offer right there. But she shakes her head instead.

"I can't," she says. "I'm just here for the winter. I have to get to Salt Lake City."

"What for?"

"It's a long story."

David pokes the fire. "I imagine we've got time."

"I just need to find the Fireflies. That's all I can really say. But it's important. Not just for me. It's important for a lot of people that I find the Fireflies."

"This winter has been a tough one so far. Are you planning on walking to Salt Lake City in the snow?"

Ellie shrugs. "That's my business, isn't it?"

"It's your business, but I can't keep a clean conscience without telling you it's a bad idea."

"I've been through worse."

"Well, if you decide you can wait until spring to get to Salt Lake City, our town is just a few miles that direction." He points toward one of the window. "We've lost a lot of people recently. We would love to have you join us, even if you're just stopping through for a few months. And who knows? You might even find some folks to travel with."

"I'll think about it."

"You do that. I don't think it was a coincidence we ran into each other."

Ellie tilts her head. "Oh yeah? Why is that?"

"Well, personally, I don't believe in coincidences at all. I believe everything happens for a reason. But sometimes... sometimes it's a little more obvious than others. I think this is one of those times."

"Because I dropped a stag right on your front door when you guys were hungry?" Ellie asks.

"That, and because-"

A series of grunts and huffs interrupts David. James staggers into the doorway and throws the bag of feed on the floor. Ellie jumps onto her feet, her caution setting in again.

"All yours," James says.

"Then the deer is all yours," she says, sidling toward the door without taking her eyes-or gun- off either one of them. "Pleasure doing business with you gentlemen."

"Do you want me to carry that bag of feed to your horse for you, Ellie?" David asks.

"I guess that would be okay," she says. "Thanks."

David loads the heavy bag of feed onto Callus and lets her go without any hassle- in fact, he gives her a friendly wave as she rides off. Ellie is unnerved by meeting people who don't want to kill her for her socks, let alone people who actually seem to be decent and friendly. It just makes the loneliness that much worse after she rides off. Ellie decides she'd better get used to it.

Once she gets home, she feeds Callus and then steps out of her soggy, hole-filled sneakers and into the new boots. They're wonderfully warm and just a little too big, and the soles are cushy under her bruised soles. She tries on the men's coat, which is similarly warm and slightly oversized. A strong wind howls through the cracks in Ellie's borrowed house. She shivers and sticks her hand into the pocket, and her fingers brush cool metal. She pulls it out, curious to find out what the previous owner left in the jacket. It's a Firefly pendant. She flips it over to read the name.

_Joel Whitman._

"Everything happens for a reason," she mutters. "Was all that stuff you, Joel?"

Within three minutes, Ellie packs everything she owns onto Callus and rides in the direction David pointed to.


	2. Chapter 2

The people in David's town are suspicious of Ellie, but she's at least as suspicious of them, so it's hard to be too mad at them for watching her every move. David gives her a quick tour of the town, feeds her a plate of hot deer mush, and then shows her to an empty bedroom next to his. There's an actual bed with an actual mattress and sheets and a couple of quilts, and the walls are actually insulated, and Ellie is almost too excited by all of that to sleep.

"You need anything, just bang on my door," David says. "Everything works in the bathroom, and the water comes from a well, so it's safe to drink. Just make sure to keep the water dripping so the pipes don't freeze."

"Got it," Ellie says. "'Night."

Ellie can't sleep, so she re-reads her comics with her flashlight. Around the time she gets tired, she hears booted footsteps and the voice of David's buddy from earlier.

"We need to talk. Is she asleep?"

"I'll check."

Ellie quickly clicks off her flashlight and pretends to sleep. The door creaks open and then closed again.

"She's out," David says.

"David, if she's that kid from the college-"

Ellie freezes. What do they know about the college?

"You saw how fast she took my offer to live here. Whoever she was traveling with is long gone. Evan said he thought the man was badly hurt by the end, didn't he?"

"Yeah, said it looked like he maybe took a machete to the gut."

"There you have it."

"But obviously none of them got a good enough look at the kid to recognize her now. And if it's her, she killed our people too! Becca still cries herself to sleep over John. If the girl was the one who killed him-"

"She's just a kid."

James snorts. "A dangerous kid."

"All the more reason for us to want her on our side. And she could be useful in other ways."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about all the people that will be less likely to shoot at a little girl," David says. "Just trust me on this, James. I've got a good feeling about her. We've got a long winter left, and she clearly knows she's not going to make it on her own. I promise you, she's not going to shoot her allies unless we start shooting at her first. And if anyone does that, they'll have to answer to me. Like I said, I think she'll be useful to keep around."

James mutters something that Ellie can't hear. Whatever he says makes David laugh.

"Yes, but all in good time," David says. "I don't want to spook her. I've met rabbits who were less skittish. I'm sure she'll come around to that eventually, if I work my charm long enough."

"I'm more worried about her reaction to lunch tomorrow."

"Let me handle that. We've got enough deer to last us a while."

"I really hope you know what you're doing, David. If she turns on us-"

"She won't. Not as long as the others don't know she's the one from the university. Can I trust you to keep this quiet? Even from Becca?"

There's a long silence, and then a sigh, and then, "Yeah. You can trust me. Your secret's safe."

Ellie lies in her bed for a long, long time after James leaves. Her heart is beating way too fast and her hands and feet are sweating despite the cold. Her first instinct is to climb out the window, find where Callus got put up for the night, and run away again. She finally decides that as dangerous as staying here is, David doesn't seem _too_ bad, and she doesn't have any better options. She falls into an uneasy sleep and jerks awake when her bedroom door creaks open.

"Sorry, Ellie," David says. "I didn't mean to scare you. I brought you some breakfast."

It's more glop from the night before, but Ellie is hungry and it's food, so she eats it without complaining. David sits at the foot of her bed and eats a plate of his own unappetizing mush.

"Why are you being nice to me?" Ellie asks. "Most people shoot and then ask questions later, if they're not too busy looting your corpse to ask questions. What's in this for you?"

"I told you," he says. "There's strength in numbers, and right now our numbers are low. And you seem like a survivor."

"Damn right," Ellie says, rubbing sleep out of her eyes. "But I don't see how that really helps you."

"The way I see it, if we help you out how we can now, you'll help us out later with those fancy shooting skills. Everyone wins."

He's not telling her something, but he's also not contradicting what he said last night, so Ellie just shrugs.

"Alright, so what's on the to-do list today?" Ellie asks. "I'm not one to mooch. Give me a job and I'll do it."

"Some of us are going hunting. The rest are fixing up the generator so we can have some heat later. Which group do you want to be a part of?"

"Hunting," Ellie says right away.

"Perfect. You'll be with me. I'll feel better knowing you're watching my back."

Suspicious as Ellie is, his words make her feel pretty good. She gets dressed, splashes cold water on her face, and checks on Callus while David assembles the rest of the hunting team. Callus already has feed and a blanket, but he whinnies happily when he sees Ellie. She pets his nose while he eats.

The hunting party consists of Ellie, David, James, and a Black guy in his twenties named Tim. James ignores Ellie whenever he can, but Tim eventually starts chatting and joking with Ellie, and she decides she likes him. He reminds her of an older, more jokey Sam. And he loves Savage Starlight as much as she does, which automatically bumps him up to almost-trustworthy in Ellie's book. Their inside jokes intrigue David so much he decides to start reading too, much to Ellie and Tim's delight.

They hunt all day, jogging periodically to keep warm, and they eventually haul home a few dozen birds and several rabbits. It's not nearly enough to feed the whole town, but no one but Ellie seems worried about it. When they get back to town, the sun is heading down and the generator is running. A few windows have dim lights coming out of them.

"'Let there be light,'" David says.

"And heat," Tim says. "Maybe the ladies will be less frigid with the heat blowing, eh?"

He elbows James in the ribs. The scowl on James' face never seems to leave, and Tim's teasing doesn't change that.

"Oh, come on, man," Tim says. "You can't even smile at the thought of getting lucky tonight?"

"No," James snaps. "Becca's bleeding again."

Tim's face turns serious. "Shit, man, I'm sorry. When did it start?"

"Three days ago. It's probably the lack of fucking food."

"Did you tell Leah?"

James rubs his forehead. "Yeah, yeah. She's been checking on Becca twice a day. It's the same waiting game as usual."

Ellie can't understand why they're so upset over some lady getting her period. "Can't you fuck her anyways?" she asks. "It's just blood."

James glares at her like he's trying to set her an fire with his eyes, and Tim just gives her a confused look.

"What?" Ellie asks.

David clears his throat. "Boys, maybe this isn't the best conversation to be having around a kid."

"I'm not a kid!" Ellie protests. "And if you're so squeamish about blood, I mean, her mouth isn't bleeding, is it? There, problem solved!"

James looks like he might punch Ellie. David puts his hand on his friend's arm.

"Okay, that's definitely enough," David says. "Ellie, you come on home with me. Tim, good hunting. James, tell Becca to feel better soon. You come get me if you need anything."

Ellie sulks all the way back to David's house, but then she realizes she can finally work on her Walkman in good lighting without freezing her fingers off, and that cheers her up a ton. She borrows a screwdriver from David's toolbox and takes her music player apart at the kitchen table.

"What are you doing?" David asks.

"Trying to fix this stupid thing."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It just stopped working," she says. "I tried new batteries and everything. I don't know what's wrong with it."

"May I-?"

"Go for it," Ellie slides the mess toward him. "You can't make it any worse."

He messes with the wires for a few minutes and then hands it back to her. "Here, try this."

She pops the batteries inside, sticks one earbud in her ear, and presses play. Music nearly busts her eardrum.

"It works!" she exclaims. It feels so good to have music again that she hugs his neck. "How did you do that?"

"I used to take my toys apart when I was a kid," David says. "You learn a little about wiring if you want your toys to work properly again."

"This is so fucking awesome," Ellie says. "Music at long last! Thank you."

"If you love music that much, then I've got a treat for you, at least as long as the generator holds out." He stands up and walks into his bedroom. "Come on, Ellie. I promise I won't bite."

She follows him and finds him fiddling with a real-life record player.

"No way!" She runs up to it but then stops short a foot away, afraid to touch it. "Please tell me it works."

He winks at her and pulls a dusty record out of its sleeve. He sets it on the turntable and places the needle on it, and a second later cool music is twanging through the room.

"Fuck." Ellie flops backwards onto the bed in the middle of the room, her Walkman still in her hand. "This is it. This is the point in life where I can die fulfilled. Seriously, dude, you are so lucky. I wish I'd been born during a time when these things were still being made."

"These were actually my father's," David says. "He brought them with him when he was first evacuated, and I inherited them when he died. I found the record player in a junk shop and fixed it up. I don't use it much, since electricity is hard to come by these days."

"What band is this?" Ellie asks. "This song is seriously awesome!"

"You've never heard of The Beatles?" David looks her up and down. "Damn. Exactly how old are you, kid?"

"I'm going on fifteen," she says. It's not exactly a lie; she's sure not "going on" any other number.

He whistles. "I would have guessed you were at least sixteen, maybe seventeen."

She laughs. "Stop bullshitting. I don't look seventeen at all."

"You could definitely pass for seventeen, but it's probably mostly your maturity," he says. "You can take care of yourself better than most adults I know. I guess the end of the world makes kids grow up a lot faster than they used to. When I was fourteen, I played video games and mowed lawns for pocket money. You, on the other hand... you survive things that make hell seem like a picnic, and you did that all on your own for at least a little while. Every time I think I can't get more impressed by you, you go and surprise me again."

"Yup, I'm a badass." Ellie nods her head to the rhythm of the song, trying to pretend like his words don't make her feel like the queen of everything. "You know, I'm pretty sure I've heard of The Beatles. I've just never _heard_ them."

"Well, now you have." David sits down next to her. "Lord, I've got a whole world of music to introduce you to."

"I'm going to hold you to that," Ellie warns. "I better get a chance to listen to every record you've got before I head out in the spring."

He rests his hand on her shoulder, just like Joel started doing near the end. "Don't take this in a weird way, Ellie, but I'm really glad you turned up," he says. "You're a lot of fun to talk to. This winter has been brutal so far, and I admit my spirits have been a little low. And then you show up, all chatty and full of life and eager to listen to an old guy's favorite music... and it turns out you need a warm place to rest your head at night. It's like it was meant to be. I have to say, I'll be sad to see you go in the spring."

After he goes to bed, Ellie scrunches her nose and pouts her lips at the cracked bathroom mirror, trying to figure out if she could really pass for seventeen.


	3. Chapter 3

Ellie takes down another buck the next day, and the others manage a pretty good haul on top of it, so on the third day David lets Ellie sleep in and then guides her out to an empty, snow-covered field with a pickup-truck in the middle of it.

"You're going to want to know how to drive in the snow," he says, cranking up the engine and scooting his seat back. "Just in case there's an emergency." He pats his left knee. "Climb in."

"You want me to sit on your lap?" Ellie asks, side-eyeing him. "Yeah, very funny."

"Stop making it weird, Ellie," he says. "Just get in the car. I've never seen you drive before, and people around here are pretty protective of this truck. If something happens to it, you and I will both be looking for a new place to live. Do you want a driving lesson or not?"

She hops onto his lap, ready to punch him in the face if he tries anything perverted. He keeps his hands on the steering wheel or the gear selector the whole time, though, and by the end of her driving lesson, she feels a little guilty for being so mistrustful of him.

"You're a pretty good teacher," she says as she slides off his legs and lands on the crunchy snow.

"Thanks, Ellie," he says. "That means a lot, coming from you."

"Yeah, whatever." She rolls her eyes. "Let's get back inside before we freeze to death."

The generator kicks in just after nightfall, giving the town a few hours of light and warmth (and in Ellie and David's case, music). After dinner, Ellie pulls out her comic books and settles down on the couch. David sits down right next to her so that his left leg is flush with part of her right leg.

"Alright, show me what this series is all about," he says. "I used to love comics before the infection took over."

Ellie can't open the first issue fast enough. It's not every day she gets to share her love of Savage Starlight with someone new. "Okay, so the main character is Daniela, and she's a space scientist, basically. There's this huge space war, and she and this guy here, Captain Ryan, they're fighting these bad guys called The Travellers. Even though they go through some seriously fucked up situations, they always survive, no matter what. That's their catch phrase whenever they have a huge battle: 'To the end of the universe and back, endure and survive.'"

"I can relate to that," David says. "Endure and survive..." He takes the comic and starts reading it.

Ellie reads over his shoulder, always finishing a few seconds before he flips the page. The power goes out when he's on the second-to-last page.

"Aw man," Ellie says. "You're right at the end! Hold on, I'll get my flashlight."

He finishes the comic using her flashlight and then hands both back to her. "That's one hell of a cliffhanger," he says. "I can't wait till tomorrow to find out what happens."

Ellie beams in the dark. "I know, right? I've been collecting them for a while now. If you run across any more, will you pick them up for me?"

"You got it."

She feels him lean back against the sofa.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters, Ellie?"

"No," she says. "My mom died right after I was born, and I was her first kid. What about you?"

"I was the middle kid," David says. "I had a big brother and a little sister. I worshiped my brother. He used to hand down his comics to me after he read them. I had quite a collection by the time the infection hit. The two of us used to team up and torture our little sister. Kid stuff- putting bugs in her hair, pulling the heads off her Barbies..."

Ellie laughs. "Man, that sounds like fun. I always kind of wished I had a sister. I totally would have done that shit to her."

"Don't get me wrong, we loved the daylights out of her," David says. "We would have beaten up anyone else who made her cry. By the time we grew up, we were real close. Not long before the world went to hell, I took her out and got her drunk for her twenty-first birthday. But when we were little... heh, you wouldn't know we loved her from the way we treated her. You know what we had the most fun doing to her?"

"What?" Ellie asks.

"Tickling her!" He grabs her in the dark and pulls her onto his lap, his fingers poking into her sides.

Ellie laughs and kicks her entire stack of comics onto the floor. "Fuck!" she shrieks between bouts of laughter. "Oh, fuck, quit!"

"One time we tickled Abby so hard she wet her pants," David says, and Ellie can hear his smile. "That was a little mean, in retrospect."

"Stop!" Ellie howls with uncontrollable laughter as she squirms and thrashes around on his lap. "Seriously, stop!"

"What's that?" he says. "You want me to tickle your neck?" His fingers tease the side of her neck, making her head jerk toward his fingers.

"No, stop!" She can't stop laughing and flailing around and it's really pissing her off. "Quit it! If you don't quit I'm gonna puke all over you!"

He laughs and stops tickling her. "Okay, when you put it like that..."

She scoots away from him and pulls down the hem of her shirts, which slid up her back during the tickle-attack. She folds her arms and tries to catch her breath.

"You okay, kid?" David asks.

"Yeah," she pants. When she can breathe normally again, she inhales deeply and says, "Hey man, listen... I know you're just playing around, but I'm not super comfortable with being touched like that."

Even in the dark, she can feel his hurt.

"It's nothing personal," she adds quickly. "I'm just not used to people touching me. I didn't exactly grow up with a huggy, tickly family, you know? Or any family, really."

"That's a damn shame," he says, but he keeps his distance. "I'm sorry, Ellie. It's been a long time since I've been around anyone but the folks in my town. You just reminded me so much of my baby sister that I guess the muscle memory kicked in."

"It's okay," she says. "It's no big deal. Just... it makes me feel weird and nervous when people I don't know very well touch me too much."

"The last thing I want to do is make you feel like that," he says. "I'll try not to do it again."

"Thanks," Ellie mutters, feeling guilty about overreacting to something so dumb. "Maybe when I know you better, you know?"

"Yeah," he says. "I think I'm going to head to bed. You sleep tight, Ellie."

"Okay." Ellie says. "'Night."

As bad as she feels for hurting his feelings, she feels way more relieved for herself.


	4. Chapter 4

True to his word, David doesn't touch Ellie again, except for the occasional accidental brush against her back or her arm while showing her something. He even leaves more room on the sofa when they read Savage Starlight together in the evening. Ellie starts to relax around him after a few days of space.

Two weeks after Ellie first moved in, their little hunting party ventures out further than normal and encounters a pack of clickers on their way back home.

"Oh, shit," Ellie breathes. "There are so many of them!"

"Let's be as quiet as we can and sneak past them," David whispers. "Follow me."

The four of them crouch down and creep as close to the edge of a rocky slope as they dare. They're almost past the clickers when Tim, who's at the rear of the line, accidentally kicks a pebble down the ravine. Two clickers turn and stagger in his direction. Tim panics, loses his balance, and topples down the hill.

Just like that, the rest of them whip out their guns and start pumping their precious bullets into the clickers' faces. James runs out of ammo first. He tucks his empty pistol into his belt and then jumps down the slope after Tim. Ellie and David hold their ground and shoot down most of the rest of the clickers before their own guns are depleted, and by then James is helping a limping Tim climb back up.

"Let's get out of here," David says. He tosses Ellie his machete and grabs Tim's other arm, draping it over his shoulders. "Watch our back, Ellie."

"Got it," she says. She keeps glancing over her shoulder as they run away, but she only has to hack up two clickers that get too close. The survivors don't stop stumbling forward until they reach the town.

"I think we lost 'em," David says. "You okay, Tim?"

"I hurt my leg real bad," Tim says. "I think I'll live, though."

"I'll get you to Leah's," David says. "James, will you go tell the others that I want double patrol duty tonight? I don't want any clickers following us back here."

James nods and then marches off.

"What about me?" Ellie asks.

"You can help me get Tim to our town healer," David says. "Come on now, easy does it."

The town healer turns out to be a very old lady with hair as white as the ground. She washes her hands with soap before touching Tim's leg, even though there's no blood.

"Were you a doctor before the infection hit?" Ellie asks.

"I was what used to be called a nurse practitioner," Leah says, pressing lightly on Tim's skin. "We were trained to do just about everything a doctor could, including surgery and prescriptions, but the focus was a little different. In a lot of parts of Colorado, nurse practitioners were the closest thing to a doctor anyone saw unless they got sick enough to be sent to a hospital in a big city."

She sets Tim's leg, drawing a scream from him and a wince from Ellie. David helps by holding Tim's leg still while Leah splints it.

"Leah takes good care of us," David says. "Most everyone in this town would have died without her, at one point or another."

"Just doing my part," Leah says. "We all have to do what we can to help each other survive."

That makes Ellie feel bad about not already being on her way to the Fireflies. She's quiet all through dinner and answers David's questions with one or two words.

"Penny for your thoughts, Ellie," David finally says as they wash dishes together.

"I'm just thinking about how I need to get to Salt Lake City," Ellie says. "Spring feels so far away! Like, what if a clicker eats me between now and then?"

"A clicker could just as easily eat you on your way to Salt Lake City," David points out. "Or once you get there. Truthfully, you're probably safest here, where you've got a bunch of people watching your back."

"I know," Ellie says. "But I have important shit to do in Salt Lake City. I can't stay here, no matter how safe it is."

David sighs. "I tell you what. If you tell me why you need to get there so badly, I'll try to convince someone to escort you there. Hell, I might just take you myself."

She hesitates. "Seriously?"

"I like you a lot, Ellie. I've got this crazy urge to protect you all the time. It would tear me up inside if anything happened to you."

She doesn't have a better plan, so she takes a deep breath. "Okay. The reason I gotta go to Salt Lake City is that... I'm immune."

He drops his rag into the water and puts a hand on his hip. "To the cordyceps?"

"No, to the common cold." She rolls up her sleeve. "Of course I meant the cordyceps. Look at this. I got bit back in July."

He takes a step back as he looks at the splotches on her arm. "Right. I've heard that before."

"No, seriously." She holds up her arm. "July, I swear. Do you see any blood or anything?"

He approaches her like she's a wild bear and touches her arm. "Scar tissue," he remarks, prodding the healed-over teethmarks. "You're not kidding."

"I've got to get to the Fireflies in Salt Lake City. They might be able to make a vaccine from my blood, or something. I could save the entire world just by existing, and all I have to do is get to the next state over."

He stares at her for a minute and then picks his rag back up and scrubs at a plate. "I'll take you there," he says.

"Seriously?!"

"Yeah. In the spring."

"But all these people here need you."

"Once we're past winter, they'll be okay with James in charge," David says. "I've been mentoring him for a long time."

Mentoring. The word makes Ellie think of Joel showing her how to make molotovs and Marlene showing her how to take care of herself, and it makes Ellie feel all cozy and nostalgic.

"That would be awesome," Ellie says. "I've been super worried about how I was going to make it there."

"I know the way," David says. "I'll get you there safely. I've lost too many people I cared about. Besides, I'd be lonely if you left."

She impulsively hugs him, because she doesn't want to be lonely either. "Thanks," she says into his shirt. Dishwater drips from her hands down his back.

He stands there awkwardly for a second and then rubs her back with his own wet hands. "You don't have to thank me, Ellie. I couldn't live with myself if I let you go off by yourself. We have to stick together. Not just to survive, but to make survival worth it."

"Sounds like something my mom would have believed," Ellie says. "And anyway, 'Endure and survive,' remember?"

"'To the edge of the universe and back,'" David agrees.

He squeezes Ellie's shoulder in a friendly way, and she decides she's okay with it.


	5. Chapter 5

Spring feels further and further away as the hunting spoils dwindle. Ellie spends every day creeping around in the cold air, usually with David and often with James, but the bounty Callus carries home every night is pretty depressing. She isn't exactly sure how many people live in the town, but she gets the feeling no one has enough food. David only eats a little of the rabbit she cooks at night, insisting that Ellie eat the rest. That worries her the most.

Ellie wakes up late one morning near the end of the year and rubs her eyes at the sunlight. Weird. David always wakes her up just before dawn with breakfast. She climbs out of bed and checks the house, fearing the worst. If she finds him dead somewhere-

"David?"

The house is empty, but she finds a note on the kitchen counter.

"Ellie,  
We're all out of food. I went to wake you up, but you looked so darn cute snuggled under the blankets that I couldn't, especially without breakfast. Enjoy your day off, survival girl. I'll be home later, hopefully with dinner.

-David"

Ellie is a little sad that breakfast isn't a thing that's happening, but if she has to be hungry, she'd rather be free to do whatever she wants than have to be the one out hunting in the cold. She bundles up and takes Callus for a ride. He seems happy to see her, but he's also a horse, so she can't really tell.

David is still gone when she gets back. Ellie can't resist sneaking a look at all that pre-infection music in his bedroom, and luckily his door isn't locked or anything. She sneaks into his room and flips through the albums, mostly just admiring the art on the front, until her fingers find something that is definitely not music. She pulls the magazines out of the stack and stares at them.

They're nudie magazines like the one she stole from Bill. Unlike that one, though, David's magazines all have girls on the covers. One has a naked Asian girl tied up and gagged on a table. Another has a naked brunette handcuffed and bent over the hood of a police car, her high-heeled feet spread wide. But the one Ellie gravitates toward has two girls on the front. One is older and blonde and wearing a sharp-looking three-piece suit. The younger girl is a redhead wearing a headband, a blue skirt, and a white shirt. Her outfit looks like a pre-infection school uniform, but Ellie can't be sure. The young redhead is sprawled across the older woman's lap, her skirt pushed up over her back and her white panties shoved all the way down to her shiny black Mary Jane shoes. The blonde lady's hand is poised over the other girl's ass, which is already sporting a few pink handprints. The redhead is looking at the camera with her mouth open in an exaggerated red O, like she's about to say, "Can you believe this is happening to me, boys?!" White letters on the front proudly declare that the magazine's name is "BARELY LEGAL BUTTS." Ellie snickers and drops the other two magazines back where she found them before settling onto the end of the bed.

There's a whole world of crazy shit she never even imagined before, and she can't tell if pre-infection people thought this stuff was bizarre or mundane. Some stuff seems kind of believable, like girls licking each other's assholes and spanking each other and fucking each other with fake dicks. But other stuff makes Savage Starlight seem realistic. She reads some of the stories, trying to figure out what the fuck is supposed to be going on in the pictures, but the stories just leave her more confused and turned-on. Maybe she should take the magazine to her room and-

"Whatcha got there, Ellie?" David's voice comes from right next to her ear.

"Holy fucking shit!" She jumps straight off the bed, dropping the magazine on the floor. "Jesus, fuck, David! You scared the shit out of me!" She presses her hand over her frantically racing heart.

"Sorry," he says with a grin. "I was just curious what you were doing in my room. And then I was curious what you were reading on my bed. You're easy to sneak up on, you know that?"

"I just wasn't paying attention," she says, hoping her face is a lot less red than it feels. "I was looking at your records and I, uh... I just got distracted."

"You okay, Ellie?" David puts his cold hands on her forehead and then her burning cheeks. "You feel a little feverish."

"Yeah, I'm fine." She quickly grabs the magazine off the floor and tries to stuff it into the stack of records.

David snatches the magazine out of her hand and flips it open. "Good choice," he says. "I would have thought you'd go for one of the bondage ones if you went snooping into my private belongings, but the brain likes what it likes."

"Dude, I was just curious!" Ellie says, wishing an army of clickers would pull her through the window and eat her. "I mean, I've never been spanked before, but I've heard kids talk about it. I just wanted to see what it looked like. I wasn't gonna jerk off to it or anything! Jesus."

"Sure," David says with the slightest smirk. "Whatever you say, kid. But I gotta tell you, those kinds of magazines aren't the best way to learn about sex. It's kind of like trying to learn about space from Savage Starlight. They're fun, but they're not meant to be educational. You want to borrow them, you go right ahead, but I'd feel better if you got your questions answered by me or Leah." He holds out the magazine toward her. "All yours."

"No thanks," she says. "I'm good."

He shrugs and returns the magazine to its hiding place. "You hungry, then? I snared a few rabbits. Let's cook them up."

Ellie keeps the dinner conversation on everything but the magazine. David goes along with it, but Ellie still goes straight to bed as soon as the power gets cut for the night. She rolls over at least six times in one minute, too pre-occupied by that stupid fucking magazine to sleep. She finally shoves her hand down the front of her underwear and awkwardly rubs herself, although she's not sure what to do beyond that. Images from the magazines turn into images of David tying Ellie up and spanking her and tickling her and tugging on her ponytail. That thought revs Ellie's engine into fifth gear, which freaks her out enough to pause and try to figure out why her body likes the idea so much.

It's probably because she never really got hugged as a kid, and because she secretly wishes she had a big brother to bully her as a way of showing his affection. Yeah, that sounds like a scientifical explanation. And it's probably also because she's fourteen and Marlene said once that teenagers get turned on by everything. There's probably nothing really wrong with her; she's just fourteen. She doesn't _really_ want David to do anything like that in real life. Definitely not- the thought makes her feel sick. But the fantasy makes her feel restless and hungry for something she's never tasted before.

She falls asleep with her hand still in her panties. When David wakes her up the next morning, she panics for a minute before remembering that she has five quilts piled on top of her.

"Ready to go hunting?" he asks.

"Yep." She quickly pulls her hand out and sits up. "I bet today's the day we'll take down a whole family of deer."

They find nothing at all for the first six hours. James and David give up way before Ellie is ready to.

"I'm going to stay out here a while longer," she says. "I can move around a lot more softly than you two giants. You can go back. I'll be okay."

"Don't take any chances," David warns. "Be careful."

"I will."

She still comes home empty-handed, her eyes burning from frustration. David is cooking soup over the electric burner.

"Where did you find food?" Ellie asks. "Never mind, I don't care. I'm fucking starving! When can we eat?"

"This isn't for us," David says. "It's for a friend. Would you mind making a little trip with me in a minute?"

"Okay, sure." Ellie shoulders her rifle, still longingly sniffing at the soup. "Where are we going?"

David doesn't answer. A few minutes later, he joins her at the front door, carrying a Bible and a steaming bowl of food. "Let's go," he says.

Ellie follows him to a house down the street. A single lamp is flickering on a table near the boarded-up window. David makes his way to one of the bedrooms, and Ellie wonders how he knows exactly where to go.

In the bedroom, a pale, pretty woman is lying underneath a pile of quilts. She has reddish-blond hair pulled back in a braid, and her own Bible is lying open next to her on the bed.

"Becca," David says. "I'd like you to meet Ellie."

"Ellie!" Becca smiles. She has a really friendly smile, even though she looks tired of the world. "I've heard so much about you."

"Nothing good, I'm sure," Ellie says.

"Not true." Becca laughs softly. "James isn't my only source of news, luckily. It's so nice to finally meet you. There aren't a lot of other girls here anymore."

"Yeah," Ellie says, feeling awkward. "I noticed."

"I brought you some food, Becca," David says. "You're going to need all your strength to make it through this winter."

Becca sits up carefully, tucking another pillow behind her. "Thank you, David. I really appreciate it."

The quilts slide down Becca's nightshirt when she sits up, and Ellie has to try really hard not to stare at the freakish bulge of her stomach. Ellie hasn't seen a lot of pregnant ladies in her lifetime, and she's horrified and fascinated by it at the same time. Shit, no wonder James almost throttled Ellie that first hunting trip. She wants to smack her own forehead for being so dumb.

David reads the Bible to Becca while she eats her soup. When she finishes, he sets the bowl on a nightstand and holds her hands. They both close their eyes, but Ellie keeps hers open.

"Father, thank you for Becca and her continued survival," David says. "We ask that you watch over this child and see him or her born healthy. We don't know why you've chosen to reclaim the other children from her so early, but we trust that you have Becca's best interests in mind. We thank you for providing food for Becca and the rest of us. We never have quite as much as we want, but we always have as much as we need. Please continue to heal Becca and make her strong again. Watch over her like a shepherd would his most precious lamb. Amen."

"Amen." Becca uses the quilt to wipe her wet eyes. "Thanks for visiting with me, David," she says. "And it was nice to meet you, Ellie. I hope you'll both come visit me again soon."

"Any time." David cups her face in his hands and kisses her forehead. "Get some sleep."

When they leave, David takes Ellie to an old butcher's shop instead of home. He holds the door open for her, and Ellie suddenly gets a bad feeling about everything.

"Where are we going?" Ellie asks, standing still.

"I need to show you something," David says. "It's not going to be easy, but I think you're mature enough to handle it. Even if you aren't... I wouldn't feel right not showing you first. Don't make me regret this." He gestures for her to enter.

"Okay," Ellie says, bracing herself for the worst.

"Right through that doorway there," David says. "This is where we prepare the food for the town. But it's been such a hard winter..."

She steps through the dangling plastic curtain and into a makeshift freezer. It's too dark to see anything, so she clicks on her flashlight.

People are dangling upside down from the ceiling. Dead people. Dead people dangling upside down in the food freezer. Ellie feels dizzy.

"Holy shit," she says. "Holy fucking shit."

"I know this is a shock," David says, moving toward her. "But this is about survival-"

She stumbles backwards and grabs a meat cleaver off a table. "No, fuck you!" She holds the cleaver up, ready to take off his hand if it reaches for her. "I weigh less than that fucking deer I traded you when we first met! I might be able to cure the entire fucking infection! Find some other way to survive without eating me, you fucking animal!"

David stands still and holds up his hands. "Easy, Ellie, easy. No one's going to eat you. You're part of this town. I wouldn't let anyone do that to you."

"Then why the fuck did you bring me here?" She presses herself in a corner, fully expecting a bunch of David's men to run in the other door with nets and guns and hunting knives. "Why are you showing me this?!"

"Because I need you to understand," David says.

"Understand what?" Ellie's stomach churns. "Oh, fuck, have you been feeding me people this whole time?"

"No, no," he says, sitting down on a stool. "I would never do that without telling you. I respect you too much. I've been feeding you the game we caught on our hunting trips. But in case you hadn't noticed, that's getting harder and harder to come by. I don't want you to starve, but I don't want to lie to you, either."

She lowers her hand but keeps her distance from David. "Is this why your little gang of fuck-faces started shooting at us at the college?" Ellie demands. "Would you have turned us into your soup of the week if Joel and I hadn't killed them?"

"Would you do any differently if you were starving?" David asks. "If it was your wife or sister who was sick and pregnant and starving to death, would you let her? Or would you feed her anything you could get your hands on, no matter who had to suffer for it?"

Ellie slumps down in her corner and presses her cold hand to her forehead. "Oh man," she says. "I wish you'd never showed me this. Fuck." The knife clatters to the floor.

"I'm sorry, Ellie." David cautiously approaches her and squats down so he's not towering over her. "Believe me, I would love nothing more than for you to keep the last of your innocence and not have to deal with this. But the truth is, we're starving to death. And I need your help to keep it from happening."

"I'm not killing people for food!"

"I'm not asking you to," David says. "Just hear me out, Ellie. I'm not asking you to kill anyone, or even participate in anything where the other folks aren't trying to kill us first. I just need you to-"

"Get away from me!" She pushes his shoulders, making him topple back onto the hard floor. "Get the fuck away from me!"

He stands up and brushes his clothes off. "I thought you were a survivor," he says, sounding more disappointed than angry. "I thought you were a whole lot wiser and more mature than this. I really thought I could count on you to help me take care of sick, starving, innocent people. Guess I was wrong. See you at home, kid."

He leaves her there, shutting the door behind himself. Ellie sits there until she catches her breath, and then she scrambles out of that fucking meat freezer as fast as she can. For a minute she thinks he locked her inside, but to her relief, he just closed the door. By the time she gets outside, the wind is blowing so hard it almost knocks her over a few times. As she stumbles down wrong street after wrong street, trying to find her way back to David's house, she feels more and more like an ungrateful mooch. She thinks of Becca politely eating that soup when she was obviously so hungry she wanted to gulp it down. Ellie's stomach rumbles. No, if it was someone Ellie loved, she would probably chop up her enemies into dinner, too. She sloshes through an especially deep patch of snow and swears as wetness rushes into her boots. Shit, she really should have waited to tell David no until she was safely where she needed to be for the night. She finally recognizes a sign through the blizzard and limps home.

David is reading his Bible when Ellie staggers in. He stands up and shuts the door on the cold. "I was wondering if you were planning on coming back," he says, helping her to the sofa in front of the fire. "I'd just about given up hope."

"I got lost," she says.

"Are your feet hurt?" He unlaces her boots.

"Just cold. They'll be fine."

"I don't know where you're from, kid, but this weather is nothing to play with. You might already have frostbite. I don't want you to lose those cute little toes. Your feet are precious. Not just because they're tiny, but because people who can't run from clickers don't tend to last too long."

As he talks, he strips away her damp socks and warms her chilly feet in his hands. It feels really good, even if he is a cannibal killer dude. He wraps one massive hand around each of her feet and then alternates blowing warm air across her feet. Her nerves prickle as they start to thaw out, and that does not do anything for Ellie's mood.

"Are you having fun playing with my feet?" she finally asks, but she's too hungry to make it sound as mean as she wants to.

"I thought about playing 'This Little Piggy,' but I thought it might be a bad time."

"This Little _what_?" Ellie raises an eyebrow.

"Never mind." He kisses the sole of her left foot and then lets go of her. "Why'd you come back?"

"All my stuff is here," Ellie says. "And... and I don't know where else to go. But I'd rather go than kill people for food. Are you gonna kick me out?"

"No," David says. "No, I wouldn't do that. You help us out in other ways, and I couldn't live with myself if I sent you out there to die."

"I might survive by myself," she says.

"You might." He claps a hand on her bent knee. "Just forget what I showed you today, all right? You didn't need to see that. No point getting you upset. We'll go hunting again tomorrow and try to find rabbits, if we haven't made them extinct out here yet. Maybe we'll find enough to feed Becca and some of the children."

He's being so nice, and Ellie feels like she's personally condemning people to death no matter what she does.

"Hey, David?"

"Yeah, Ellie?"

"If I really don't have to personally kill anyone, and if you swear to me that they're bad people who would try to kill us no matter what, and if you swear I won't have to eat them..."

"I swear all of those things to you." David holds up three fingers on his right hand. "Scout's honor."

Ellie takes a deep breath. "Okay," she says. "What do you need me to do?"


	6. Chapter 6

James comes down with a bad cold during the storm. Since Tim's leg is still healing, Ellie and David hunt alone for the next week.

"You're looking skinnier," David says from behind her one morning.

Ellie ducks under a tree branch. "How can you tell?"

"Your jeans are kind of falling off you."

"Shit, really?" Her free hand scrambles behind her back to pull her waistband up.

He laughs. "Relax, Ellie. I didn't mean they're literally falling off your bottom. They just seem less... snug than usual."

"Oh," she says, trying to swallow down the latest rush of uneasiness.

"I wish you would eat more."

"Let's find more rabbits for me to eat, then," she says. "I'm not literally starving yet, so I'm not eating people. End of story. Anyway, why were you staring at my ass?"

"Because you're standing in front of me," David says. "It was kind of hard not to. I just worry about you, that's all. I'd be pretty torn up inside if you died of starvation because I didn't force-feed you what we had. I care about you, Ellie."

The tension eases out of Ellie's shoulders. "You don't have to worry about me," she says. "I won't let myself get sick."

"Yeah, well, I'm going to worry about you whether you like it or not," he says.

"Shh." Ellie holds up her hand. "Do you see that squirrel?"

"Where?"

Ellie slips an arrow out of her quiver and draws the bowstring. It's such a little target up in that tree, but she really, really wants dinner tonight. She takes a deep breath, and as she breathes out, she lets the arrow fly. It hits the squirrel with a highly satisfying thump.

"Yeah!" Ellie jumps up and down and then holds both of her hands up, her bow sliding down her arm.

"Nice shot." David double-high-fives her gently. "I didn't even see it until you shot it."

As Ellie yanks her arrow out of the little squirrel's warm body, she hears voices from the other side of the thicket. She freezes, and David does the same.

"People," she whispers. "Ours?"

David shakes his head. "No, I don't recognize the voices. You ready to try what we talked about?"

The cold seems to rush right through Ellie, even though there's no breeze. She's _so_ not ready to try it, but she doesn't want to let him down, so she nods. "Hold my shit," she says, loading him down with all her weapons except for the knife hidden in her boot.

"Be careful," David says.

"Don't worry." Ellie says. "Just be ready to jump in if things go south."

He pats his rifle. "I've got your back."

Ellie creeps toward the voices, straining to eavesdrop. The crunch of snow under her boots drowns their words out, and she wonders how they don't hear her coming. It feels like her heart is beating so fast her blood is turning into water and dripping out of her hands. Ellie swallows. When she gets close enough to the strangers, she sits down on the packed snow and holds her ankle.

"Help!" she says, keeping her voice just loud enough for them to hear. "Help, please, I hurt my ankle!"

The voices stop, but there's no rustling or stomping, so she knows they're still standing there.

"Seriously, guys, please! I have a fuckton of stuff to offer if you help me!"

There's another moment of silence, and then footsteps tromp in her direction.

"Put your hands on top of your head," one of the men says, aiming his rifle at Ellie. "No sudden movements."

Ellie does as he says. "I'm not gonna do anything to you guys. I just need help getting out of here."

"You think she's telling the truth?" a second guy mutters to his companions.

"I don't like this," another says. "Why would a little girl be out here alone? I bet you this is a setup. I bet you someone is out here with her."

"It's not a setup, I swear!" Ellie insists. It's kind of the truth. "Look, just help me get back to my house. I live less than a mile from here, and I have clothes and ammo and all kinds of shit you can choose from. Please!"

She holds her breath. If the men agree to help her, David will show up a few minutes into their trek, pretending to be looking for Ellie, and reward the men with supplies from his bag and an invitation to ally with the town. If not...

"What are you doing out here?" the third asks. "You don't even have a gun."

"I just came out for a minute to check on my snares," Ellie says. "I fell on some ice, and this was as far as I could go. Please help me before I freeze to death or get eaten by a fucking clicker!"

The three of them close in on her. They remind her of the hyenas from a cartoon movie about lions Ellie watched in third grade. She almost expects them to laugh like crazy or burst into song.

"So... no one knows you're out here?" The first one asks.

"M-my dad will get worried if I'm not home soon," Ellie says, trying to scoot away from them without betraying that her ankle is just fine. "He'll send someone out to look for me. It's just cold out here-"

The men exchange a look and then move like one entity to pounce on her. Someone kicks Ellie hard in the ribs, and she ends up flat on her back with one of the men sitting on her stomach. Another holds her hands into the snow above her head, and the third one just stands over her.

"Sure, sweetie, we'll get you home," says the one standing up. "But we want our payment up front."

Ellie tries to yell for David, but all the air got knocked out of her lungs and she can't seem to catch her breath. The guy on her stomach scoots down so he's sitting on her thighs. He pushes her shirt up to her chin and unbuttons her jeans.

The dude crushing her hands into the snow whistles. "Take a look at those perky little nipples. Anyone remember how long it's been since we've even seen a woman?"

"Mother... fuckers!" Ellie gasps.

"Quiet." The standing guy kicks her in the ribs again. "Hurry up and get her pants off before someone comes looking for her-"

He gurgles and then hits the ground with a thud.

"Too late," David says. He's standing somewhere Ellie can't see him, no matter how she turns her head.

"What the-"

There's another gurgle from behind Ellie's head, and suddenly she can move her hands again. She pulls her shirt down and tries to wiggle out from under the last guy. He raises his gun, but David is already standing right there. The machete hacks off the gun-holding hand at the wrist. Ellie watches in horrified fascination as blood squirts out of the stump and the guy falls screaming onto the ground. David runs him through with the machete a few times and then, with a grunt, he swings it down hard through the man's neck, lopping off his head.

There's this moment where everything is as quiet and still as the frozen lake nearby, and then David wipes his machete on the dead guy's clothes, sticks it into the holder on his back, and turns around to look at Ellie, who's still lying on the ground.

"You okay?" he asks.

She still can't breathe very well, so she nods. He squats down next to her.

"Let me take a look. Sounded like he kicked you pretty hard."

He pushes her shirt back up again, just high enough to expose the bottom of her left breast. Ellie squirms and tries to cover herself back up, and David grabs her hands.

"Stop moving around, Ellie," he orders. "I need to make sure you're okay. If you've got a broken rib, moving around could puncture a lung or hurt one of your other organs. Lie still and let me take care of you."

She doesn't have the oxygen to tell him she's feeling super fucking vulnerable after what those creeps just tried to do to her, and she feels guilty for being so suspicious of someone who's done nothing but take good care of her, so she just lies there staring at the fir trees overhead. His calloused hands slide gently up her sides, probing into sensitive places between her ribs. His fingers find the place where she got kicked twice, and she swears softly.

"You're going to have a nasty bruise there," David warns her. "But it doesn't feel broken."

"Okay." Ellie coughs, which hurts like a bitch. "That's good. Not broken is good."

"You want me to kiss it and make it better?" he teases.

"Pass," she giggles nervously. "Just move so I can get up."

He leans down and kisses the sore spot anyway. She shivers from the jolt his cold lips send through her nerves. He offers her his hand. She takes it and sits up, wincing at the pain in her side.

"Are you going to feel guilty about feeding these folks to Becca?" David asks.

Ellie shakes her head. "Those fuckers deserved what they got."

David glances at the sun's position in the sky. "Can you walk?"

"Yeah," she says. "I'll be okay."

"Okay, then I need you to walk back to town and send some of my men to help me haul the meat home."

_Meat._ Ellie shudders. "Yeah, okay," she says. "I can do that."

He smiles. "You did real good, Ellie. Thanks to you, the world has three less evildoers walking around, and our women and children won't starve to death this week."

She shrugs, pretending like she doesn't care what he thinks. "Yeah, I guess. Thanks for, uh, for saving me, I guess."

"My pleasure," he says. "Seeing them on top of you like that made me want to do a lot worse to them. Glad you're not upset with me for killing them."

"Endure and survive." Ellie slides her backpack on with a little groan of pain. "I'll see you back at the house."


	7. Chapter 7

Note: This chapter contains alcohol-related noncon/dubcon. Also, passing mention of incest. Neither is graphic, but it could definitely be triggering nonetheless. Please take good care of yourself!

0o0o0

Everyone seems a little happier that night. David must have told people that Ellie took a few kicks for the team, because they all treat her with more warmth than they have the entire time Ellie's been there. A couple of people smile at her, and one guy waves from across the street. Becca flags Ellie down to give her a kiss on the forehead. People go over to each others' houses, laughing like it's Christmas- which, for all Ellie knows, it might actually be.

It's all a little weird to her. She's not sure how she feels about everyone celebrating death. But when David offers her a piggy-back ride home from the butcher's shop, she hops on before he can change his mind. She laughs and yells "Woohoo!" over David's head the whole ride home, ignoring the pain in her ribs.

The generator kicks on early, so Ellie risks a hot bath with the half-reliable old electric water heater. To her delight, it works. She soaks in her warm water, and when it loses its steam, she quickly scrubs herself down and towels off.

Tim limps over a little later to sneak Ellie a bottle of alcohol, which David confiscates before she can even finish saying thanks.

"That's the devil's water," David tells Ellie. "Little girls who get drunk are practically inviting demons inside them."

She scowls. "Do you really believe that, or are you just fucking with me?"

"Mostly the latter. But I'm still not giving Tim's moonshine to a fourteen-year-old."

"Aww, come on!" Ellie pouts. "It's basically medicine. My side hurts bad enough I could use some medicine."

"We've got aspirin. Go take some of that."

Ellie grumbles, but she gets too distracted by him frying up her squirrel to argue. He sets the plate in front of her and then sits down with a bowl of his rapist stew. Ellie is a little unnerved by how good the stew smells and hurries to get squirrel into her empty belly before she does something weird, like ask for a bite.

"Have you ever noticed how some people start looking like the people they date?" she says with her mouth full.

"How do you mean?"

"Like James and Becca," she says. "Seriously, they could be twins!"

David folds his arms. "Good eye," he says. "Although I don't know if James and Becca are a good example for your point."

"No, I saw it all the time, back in the zone!" Ellie insists. "Why do you think that is?"

"Well, for James and Becca, it's probably because they actually are twins."

"Because... they actually are twins?" Ellie repeats, trying to work that out. "Wait, like they were born at the same time? From the same parents?"

"That's right." David swallows a spoonful of his soup.

"So they're just brother and sister? James didn't knock her up?"

"I didn't say that," David says. "As far as I know, the baby does belong to James. So have the last three, the ones who didn't make it."

"Oh." Ellie stares at the squirrel bones on her plate. "That's kind of weird, right? That they're having babies together?"

"Weird is pretty relative out here," David says, holding up his bowl. "Twenty years ago, both of our dinners would have been varying shades of 'weird.'"

Ellie finishes her fried squirrel in silence. When she's done, she leans back in her chair. "Seriously, though, you are gonna let me drink at least a little of that booze, right?"

"Heh, no. Adults only, kid."

"Oh, come on! I hunt and do wall duty just like an adult! I was the one who got the shit kicked out of me by three guys who wanted to rape me. That booze technically belongs to me. Pleeeeaaaase?"

"Fine," David sighs. "But if you drink, you're drinking like an adult. We'll see how much fun alcohol is when you're throwing up in an hour."

"Deal!" Ellie grabs the bottle and moves to the couch. "Do you know any drinking games?"

"Easy now," David says, taking his bowl and her plate to the sink. "You take a taste of that moonshine before you commit to any drinking games with it."

Ellie's snuck sips before, just like any kid growing up in a military boarding school, but Joel never let her sample the alcohol the two of them found. He always said they needed to save it for molotovs and sterilizing wounds. She grips the bottle by it's neck and raises it to her nose. The fumes choke her like cleaning chemicals, but she swallows some without flinching... too much. When she's done, she hands it to David.

"Good stuff," she rasps.

"If you say so." He sits next to her and takes a sip of his own. "Still want to play a drinking game?"

Ellie clears her throat. "Yup!"

"Do you know how to play truth or dare?"

Ellie nods. "Are we going to play that?"

"No," David says. "But it's similar. I'll say something I've never done, like 'I've never been to France.' If you have been to France, you take a drink. If you haven't, I take a drink."

"Should we get some paper to keep score?"

David chuckles. "I think it'll be pretty obvious. All right, let's go. I've never kissed a boy."

"Ha!" Ellie sticks her tongue out. "Me neither."

"It was worth a try," he says, and then grimaces as the bottle touches his lips. "Your turn."

"I've never kissed a girl," Ellie says.

"That's the idea." David takes another drink before handing the bottle straight to Ellie. "I've never been bitten by an infected."

"Motherfucker!"

"Turnabout's fair play, little girl."

"Yeah, yeah." She takes a deep breath and then gulps down moonshine. When her eyes are done watering and she can speak again, she coughs out, "I've... never... been... drunk."

David takes a taste from the bottle. "I've never been handcuffed."

"Nope," Ellie says, and then remembers how she met Bill. "Wait, fuck! I actually have."

"That sounds like a story worth telling."

"It's really not." Ellie braces herself, trying to take her drink as smoothly as David does. She still gags a little, but she manages to swallow without puking. "Um... I've never played this game before tonight."

"_Really_, Ellie? That's the best you can do?" He drinks anyway. "I've never been to Boston."

"Aw, fuck you."

"We're both going to end up drunk before we get to the good questions," David says. "Say something interesting you've never done."

"Um..." Ellie stalls, mostly to take a break from drinking. "I don't know. I can't think of anything."

They sit in silence while Ellie thinks. Unfortunately, thinking gets harder the longer she sits there getting dizzy.

"I don't know," she says, and the words are harder to say than usual. "I can't think of something interesting."

"Good Lord." David rubs his forehead. "You're actually worse at this game than my brother."

"I am?" Ellie's face gets hot. "I, uh..." She tries her hardest to think of something. "Well, I've never had sex, I guess. Is that better?"

"That's probably the most vanilla sex-related one I've ever heard, but we're headed in the right direction." David goes quiet while he drinks. "And of course you haven't had sex. Didn't you just say you've never kissed a boy?"

"I don't think one is a requirement for the other," she says.

"I guess not." David passes the bottle to her. "I've never had a period."

"Lucky." Ellie takes her drink and then touches her mouth, making sure her lips are still there. She's only had about five shots, so she doesn't know why her body is so numb. It occurs to her that maybe moonshine is stronger than that rum Allie smuggled into the girls' dormitory that one time.

"It's still your turn," David says.

"I _know_, geez. I'm thinking."

He puts his feet up on the coffee table, bouncing his right leg impatiently.

"I've never had an orgasm," Ellie finally says. "I'm not even sure what that is."

"Damn," David says. "Not even by yourself?"

"Not unless I had one and didn't know it. But everyone tells me that's not possible."

"I'd have to agree with everyone on that one."

"Then nope."

David whistles. "I'm really sorry to hear that."

"Why the fuck does everyone always say that?!"

"Because we know what you're missing out on. You'll understand one day. Maybe you should borrow one of those magazines after all."

"Or, you know, someone could just fucking tell me what an orgasm feels like..."

"It would be a hell of a lot easier to describe a rainbow to someone who was born blind."

Ellie thinks about that, her head gradually drooping onto the side of the couch.

"Shit, that's deep," she finally says. She sets the half-empty bottle on the wobbly, rotting coffee table. "Okay, I feel sick. Give me a minute while I figure out how to make the room stop moving around."

He laughs at her, but she feels like she's in a soap bubble that filters out noise and time, so it comes through a little distorted.

"That was fast. It's cute how much of a lightweight you are."

"Hey man, fuck you!" she says. It doesn't come out right. Her mouth muscles stopped cooperating a while ago.

"Are you offering?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. How are the ribs doing?"

"Great," Ellie says. "They don't hurt at all."

"Lift up your shirt and let me check."

Ellie rolls both of her shirts up to her bust and holds her arm up to keep it out of the way. "Gross, look at that huge bruise!"

"It'll look even worse tomorrow," David says.

"Fuck."

"You did good today." He rests his hand gently on her ribs, and it doesn't completely hide the dark pink splotch. "The children in this town owe you their lives."

"Yeah, all five of them," she jokes.

"With a little luck, and a little more help from you, there will be more than that soon."

"Okay, okay." Ellie smooths down her shirt. "Enough flattery. I just noticed you, uh... what was I going to say? Oh, yeah! You never drank when I said I've never had an orgasm."

"You're right." He grabs the bottle and presses it to his lips.

It doesn't seem like he's actually drinking much, and Ellie wonders if he's been faking taking his drinks the whole time. She opens her mouth to ask and immediately forgets what she was going to say.

"I should probably go to bed," she slurs. "Hard to think. Hard to keep my eyes open."

"Just rest your head here." David pats his knee. "I don't want you dying of alcohol poisoning. I'll carry you to your bed when you sober up a little."

She curls up on her good side, using his leg for a pillow. "How are you not drunk?"

"Oh, I'm definitely feeling it," he says. "It takes longer for men to get drunk. Besides, I'm a lot bigger than you are."

He strokes his fingers over her hair and then down her back. It feels so good that Ellie keeps sighing happily. She can't remember anyone else ever rubbing her back to help her fall asleep.

She dozes for a few minutes, and then wakes up because her bladder is about to burst. "Fuck, I have to pee," she mumbles. "Can I just pee my pants and worry about cleaning it up later?"

David snorts. "Sounds like a good way to get a rash, but you do whatever makes you happy."

She groans. "Fine, I'll go to the bathroom. Give me a push?"

He nudges her up. When she just sits there, he stands and pulls her up by both hands. "Come on, silly."

She staggers to the bathroom. As she's congratulating herself on this accomplishment, she realizes she can't figure out how to unbutton her jeans.

"Shit!" She presses her knees together and rocks from side to side, trying not to wet her pants. "Fucking... jeans!"

"Stop moving," David says, unbuttoning her pants for her. He slides down her zipper and then helps her pull the denim around her knees, taking her panties along for the ride. He catches her elbow as she falls backward onto the toilet seat.

"I'm good," Ellie says. "I'm good, I made it. You can go now."

"So I can come back to find you drowned in the toilet? No, kid, I'm not leaving you unsupervised for five seconds." He leans against the wall and watches her.

Ellie has to pee too bad to argue. "Whatever, pervert," she jokes. It feels like she pees for five minutes, but it feels awesome to finally be empty again. She turns the sink on and cups her hand under the faucet a few times to clean herself up, splashing water all over her thigh in the process.

"Fuck, that's cold!" she complains. "I miss toilet paper. Let's raid a Q.Z. and steal some."

"First thing in the morning," David says. "You need help standing up?"

"No, I'm good." She uses the marble counter to pull herself up and support her while she yanks her panties back up. She takes a step forward and almost trips over the pants around her ankles. "Fucking jeans! I am so done with you! Off! Get off my legs, motherfuckers!"

She tries to kick off her pants and nearly falls on her face again. David kneels in front of her and holds the fabric for her. She hangs onto his shoulders for balance while stepping out of the leg holes.

"Thanks, man," she says. "Can I go to bed yet? No offense, but your couch isn't the comfiest."

"You can get in my bed," he says. "I'll make sure you're sleeping on your side."

"Why?"

"So you don't drown in your own vomit if you throw up."

"Ew." Ellie lets him lead her to his bedroom, trying not to trip on her own feet. "Of all the ways to die, that seems like the shittiest one. Does that really happen?"

"It has before."

"Oh." She crawls into his bed and flops down on his pillows. "Yeah, don't let that happen to me. I want to go out in some awesome, dramatic way."

"Don't worry." He lies down next to her and rolls her onto her side. "You're too special to go like that. I won't let it happen."

He massages her back again, this time pressing his thumbs into the spaces around her spine. It feels pretty awesome, so Ellie keeps moaning in appreciation.

"Oh, fuck," she says. "That feels great. Keep doing it, just like that."

"You sound like a girl in need of an orgasm," David says.

"I do?"

"Mmhmm. I'd give you one, but you'd probably get mad at me for it."

"Does it feel as good as having your back rubbed?" Ellie asks, yawning.

"Better."

"Then I wouldn't get mad."

"You promise?"

"Yeah."

He scoots down the bed until he's near Ellie's socked feet. He kisses the ticklish inside part of Ellie's knee and then pulls her panties down her legs. Ellie feels like she should be more nervous than she is, but mostly she's too drunk to feel anything but sleepy.

David puts his head between her thighs, and suddenly his wet mouth is kissing her pussy. Ellie jumps like his lips are made of ice. Whatever he's doing feels sort of good, but for the most part it tickles, and his beard is scratching up her thighs. His breath blows hot on her skin. She wants to like what he's doing, but the alcohol is padding her nerves too much to tell.

Ellie closes her eyes for just a second, and when she opens them again, she's yelping in pain and David's body is on top of her and she has no idea where she is.

"Ow! What the fuck?" She tries to rub the blurriness out of her eyes. She's in David's room, still in his bed. "What are you doing?"

"Come on, Ellie." He kisses her on the cheek. "As much as you had to drink, I can't imagine anything hurts you right now."

"It does hurt," she mutters. "Get off!"

"I'm sorry." He cups her face in one hand. "I promise I'll be more gentle. I just need you so badly, Ellie. Can I keep going? Please?"

She wants to say no, but thinking (let alone arguing) is too hard for her just then. She can't even remember how she came to be in his bed in the first place. Her eyes drift close on their own.

"Okay," she says. "I guess."

When she opens her eyes again, David is snoring next to her in the dark. She's lying on her side with his arm draped over her. Her head hurts, her stomach is woozy, and she has to pee like crazy again. She's still wearing her socks and both of her shirts, but her underwear is missing. Her thighs are sticking together, and noticing that makes her stomach even woozier.

She pushes David's arm off of her and sits up. The room spins a little, but not as bad as it was doing... what, an hour ago? Six hours ago? Ellie has no idea what time it is. She finds her panties on the floor and carries them with her as she feels her way to the bathroom. She slips them over her feet while sitting on the toilet.

Peeing stings more than Ellie expected, which, admittedly, was not at all. She feels chafed and swollen down there. Isn't sex supposed to feel good? Maybe David was too drunk to remember how to do it right. Or maybe it hurts less the more you do it. Either way, Ellie doesn't miss toilet paper this time. She cleans up as thoroughly as she can in the dark and then pulls her panties up.

She climbs into her own bed and lies back down on her side, even though she doesn't feel very drunk anymore. Instead of going straight back to sleep, she stares at the irregularly-shaped triangles of moonlight landing on the floor through the planks over her window. That was definitely not how she'd planned on losing her virginity- not that she'd ever had any kind of actual plan, and not that it was really important, but still. She's disappointed that she can't remember much about having sex for the first time. She's even more disappointed that David did it with her, but that's mostly because she feels stupid for ever thinking he wasn't after sex the whole time. How naive can she get?

Marlene always taught Ellie that no meant no, and that anyone who tried to have sex with Ellie after she said no deserved to get bit or kicked or punched. But they never really went over what to do if Ellie was too drunk to say no in the first place, and they definitely never covered what to do if the person having sex with Ellie was someone taking care of her. He was drunk too, probably. And Ellie told him she wouldn't be mad if he tried to give her an orgasm, meaning it was really stupid of her to be so surprised when he started fucking her. In hindsight, that's exactly what she should have expected. And then she did say "Okay" after she said "No" when he asked for permission to keep going. She could have said no again, and she didn't. So really, technically, he didn't do anything wrong at all. But it's still creepy, and it makes Ellie miss all the adults she could trust no matter what.

"I sure wish you were around, Marlene," Ellie whispers at the dark. "I wish I could talk about this stuff with you. Are you even still alive?"

She curls into a ball and eventually falls asleep like that: hating herself and trying not to cry from her loneliness and confusion.


	8. Chapter 8

The world outside Ellie's boarded-up window is still and blue when she wakes up the next morning. Her mouth tastes horrible, she's hungry, and she still doesn't know where her jeans are. She rolls off the bed and searches her bedroom, but her only other pair of jeans are totally stiff with blood from last week's hunting trip. Fuck.

She opens her door as quietly as she can and searches the bathroom, but her jeans aren't there, either. She wanders down the hall, trying to decide between checking the living room and David's room-

"'Morning, Ellie."

David is crouching in front of the fireplace with two skewered squirrels. Ellie walks in and spots her jeans lying across the coffee table, soaking up heat from the fire. She grabs them and pulls them on, and they're blissfully warm.

"Thanks for putting these by the fire," she says.

"No problem. Did you sleep well?"

She shrugs.

"How does your head feel? Are you as hungover as I am?"

Ellie doesn't know what a hangover feels like, but she doesn't think she has one. "I guess not."

"Lucky."

She doesn't answer.

David takes a sip of water from his metal cup. "Is everything okay, Ellie?"

"I just-" She sits down on the coffee table and folds her arms on her knees. "I feel weird about last night."

"It was a weird night. Tell you the truth, I was so drunk I don't remember most of it. Do you want to talk about it?"

She does, but she doesn't know what she wants to say, and even if she did she probably shouldn't trust him, so she just shrugs yet again like a fucking idiot.

"I'm sorry, Ellie. I shouldn't have had so much to drink when I'm supposed to be taking care of you. I'm supposed to be the adult here."

"I told you, I don't need anyone to take care of me!" she snaps. "I might as well be an adult, for all the adult responsibilities I have. I can take care of myself."

"So why are you mad at me?"

She presses her lips together, trying to think of a way to explain it that doesn't suck. "Because... because you're a lot older than me. And you said I reminded you of your baby sister. I wasn't expecting you to get me super drunk and then fuck me."

"I'm getting mixed signals here, Ellie. You say you want to be treated like an adult, and then you get mad when I treat you like one. Are you angry with me for drinking? For letting you drink? For trying to make you feel good to make up for getting your ribs hurt?"

She's mad at him for all of those things, but it sounds too ridiculous to even consider when he says it out loud. Being mad at him for doing what she agreed to (or even begged for) isn't just stupid, it's basically five-year-old logic. It wasn't like he was being malicious about it, or anything.

"I'm not mad," she finally says, even though she sort of is. "I'm just confused. I'm not used to seeing you in that light."

"Drunk?"

"Drunk, and, you know, having sex with the fourteen-year-old you're taking care of."

He hands her a squirrel-on-a-stick. "But you can take care of yourself, right? That means I just take care of you because I'm nice. It's not like I had sex with a fourteen-year-old who was dependent on me for her survival. Doesn't that make it different?"

Ellie stares at the impaled, skinless squirrel, which is steaming a little in the cold air. She's not sure she would still be alive if not for David's generator and his clicker-watch patrols and his company. Even if she had made it this far without him, she definitely wouldn't be enjoying warmed-up jeans or a hot squirrel-kabob right now.

"You know what?" She blows on the squirrel. "It's not important. Just, never mind. We had sex- whatever. I don't want things to get weird between us. We're friends, we got wasted, we fucked by accident, and now we need to get on with the rest of our lives. We have way more important things to worry about."

"So no regrets?"

"Life's too short for that bullshit," Ellie says, mostly to convince herself. "No regrets."

"That's a very adult response." David sits down next to her. "Very mature."

They eat in silence. When Ellie is done, she sets her stick and squirrel bones by the fireplace.

"What do we do now?" she asks. "I don't have a whole lot of experience with this stuff. Do we just pretend like it never happened?"

"If that's what you want."

That's exactly what she wants, but pretending won't give her back yesterday's illusion of David as one of those adults who's oblivious to the existence of Ellie's sexuality. Pretending won't make her forget how much it hurt to wake up with him on top of her. She hugs her arms around herself.

"No, fuck that," she says. "Like I said, it's just sex. It's no big deal."

"That's a good attitude to have," David says. "You're right, though- sex is just a way for people to feel good and keep warm, to keep the species alive. It's a spiritual experience, sometimes, but there's no sense in getting hung up on it. Our bodies were designed to crave sex just like we crave food. I'm just glad your first time could be with someone who cares about you. There are a lot of people out there who would run out on you the second they got what they wanted."

Ellie digs dirt out from underneath her fingernails, which desperately need a good clipping. "But you're still going to take me to the Fireflies, right?"

"Right," David says. "You've got a whole world to save."

"Yeah. And hey, who knows?" Ellie uses her teeth to bite off a hangnail. "Maybe I won't have a lot of chances to have sex once I get to Salt Lake City. Maybe they'll have to kill me to make a cure. Or maybe they'll have to do something that turns me into a vegetable, and they'll keep me alive on a breathing machine so they can harvest my blood once a week to cure people or something."

"Jesus, Ellie! Don't talk like that."

"What? It'd be cool."

"It would be awful. I don't want to think about it." He hugs her tightly from behind, crushing her sore ribs.

"Ow. Ow!" Ellie sucks in air through her teeth. "Watch the ribs!"

"Sorry." David releases her. "I forgot you were hurt. Let me look."

"Do you have some kind of fetish for ugly-looking bruises?" Ellie jokes as she lifts her shirt. "Oh, holy fuck. It looks so much worse than yesterday."

"Told you." David presses gently on Ellie's ribs, making her wince. "You're okay, though. We're both going to take it easy today. We've got enough food to last us at least two days. You want to read some Savage Starlight?"

Ellie shrugs. "I guess."

By some miracle, he picks up on her hesitation. "I only suggested it because I thought you'd have fun with it," he says. "If you'd rather get out of the house for a while, Becca told me to tell you that you're invited to come over for hot chocolate any time."

"No way," Ellie says. "Bullshit. Where did she get hot chocolate from out here?"

"I have no idea," David says. "But that's what she said. You can go ask her yourself."

Ellie is at least as eager to try hot chocolate again as she is to get the fuck away from David for a while, so she bundles up and visits Becca. James opens the door, and he huffs and grumbles until Becca sends him out to fetch something from Leah.

"That should buy us a few minutes of peace," Becca says as she closes the door.

"No boys allowed," Ellie jokes. "Ever."

"Oh, I don't know, I think I'd be lonely without James," Becca says. She opens the back door and pulls a bottle of milk off the patio. "We've been together every night since we were in the womb. It would be strange trying to fall asleep without him. I just like it better when he's gone most of the day. It's hard to get any reading done with him around."

"I like to read, too!" Ellie says, thrilled to find a common interested with someone so much older and prettier and cooler. "What do you read?"

"Jane Austen is my favorite," Becca says. As she talks, she pours milk into a pot and sets it on a ledge over her fire. "I've re-read her books probably a hundred times by now! But my second favorite is probably the Dawn of the Wolf series."

"Oh, yeah! There were movie posters for the movie all over Pittsburgh."

"The books are definitely better," Becca assures her.

"I wouldn't know. I've never seen the movies or read the books."

"Do you want to?" Becca takes three books off the shelf and hands them to Ellie. "I have the first two movies, but we have to wait for a day when the generator is guaranteed to hold out for a couple of hours to watch them. There's nothing worse than getting to the climax of the movie and having the lights go out."

"Honestly, I'm more excited about geting some new books to read!" Ellie says. "Thank you so much! I'll bring them back in good condition. Seriously, thank you!"

Becca smiles at her. "No, thank you. I'm desperate for someone to talk to. James read the books to make me happy, but he doesn't have much to say about them."

"I'll read these if you'll read Savage Starlight," Ellie says. "If you like comics, I mean."

"I've never had the chance to read any," Becca says. "But just like you, I'm pretty excited to borrow new books. What other books do you have?"

"Well..."

By the time Ellie takes her first sip of the hot chocolate, Becca's cat, Meowzart, is purring on Ellie's lap and Becca is laughing at the joke book. For the first time since the college, Ellie isn't desperate to get to Salt Lake City.


	9. Chapter 9

As happy is Ellie is to be reading something new, she finds Becca's books a little weird. It's supposed to be this awesome romance story, but it comes across as super creepy to Ellie. She tells Becca her opinion when she brings the book back a few days later.

"I didn't understand why Isabelle was so in love with wolfy boy," Ellie admits. "He treated her like shit, and that was on the good days! And that whole thing about her being his prey- is that supposed to be romantic? I kept waiting for him to accidentally eat her head off, but all they did was kiss and cry and then have a baby. What a rip-off! Is this really what romance books are like? I wanted her to call him out on his shit, not whine over him and try to jump off a cliff when he was mean to her!"

"You're really funny." Becca laughs. "But if that's why you didn't like it, I think I know just the book for you." She goes to her shelf and returns with a book.

"'Pride and Prejudice'?" Ellie reads. "What's it about? Gay people living back when people had way too much time on their hands and not enough shit to worry about?"

"No, no, it's about a tough girl named Elizabeth calling out her love interest on his 'shit.' It might be my favorite book ever."

Ellie opens the book and tries to skim the first page. "What the fuck?" she finally asks, setting the book down in frustration. "This is as bad as Shakespeare!"

"Oh, it's not that hard."

"Maybe it's a generational thing," Ellie says, propping her face up on her hand. "Or maybe I'm just too dumb."

"Don't be silly." Becca takes the book from Ellie and sits down next to her. "You just need someone to read part of it aloud to you."

They read together for a few hours, Ellie resting her head on Becca's shoulder and pretending like the two of them are sisters. When Becca starts yawning, Ellie agrees to come back over the next few days to finish the story. It gives Ellie a good excuse to get away from David when they're not hunting together, and she figures she could use all the space she can scavenge.

They don't have hot chocolate every day, but Becca comes up with something nice every time Ellie visits. Ellie secretly suspects Becca is some sort of witch, pulling food out of thin air. She expected it to be a lot more awkward, but James finally gets used to Ellie sitting on his couch and stops grumbling so much by the time the girls get halfway through the book.

"Wait, what just happened?" Ellie interrupts Becca one afternoon. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

Becca closes the book, using her index finger as a bookmark. "Darcy's cousin, Fitzwilliam, was trying to convince Elizabeth that Darcy was a great person by telling her about how he rescued a buddy from an awful marriage."

"Uh oh. Tell me the buddy wasn't that Bingley guy."

"It was that Bingley guy."

"Oh, shit!" Ellie laughs. "Darcy needs a new wingman so bad. Did the dude not realize who he was talking to? That's so dumb."

"Yes. And then guess who showed up right after that to profess his love for Elizabeth?"

"That Bingley guy?"

Becca smirks at that. "No, Mr. Darcy."

"That's even worse!" Ellie howls, wiping her eyes. "Oh my God, he's such a clueless fuckface. I really would not object if he fell off a cliff into sharky waters."

"Elizabeth agrees with you," Becca says with the same kind of tone Ellie always gets when she's hiding spoilers from someone. "And now you're all caught up. May I keep reading?"

"Yeah."

When they finish Pride and Prejudice, Ellie is grudgingly okay with Mr. Darcy. He's just kind of quiet and misunderstood. He sort of reminds her of Joel, if Joel had lived a hundred years ago in England or wherever the hell Mr. Darcy lived.

She pretends to have trouble reading Sense and Sensibility so Becca will read that one to her, too. By the time the two of them run out of Jane Austen books, Ellie starts bringing over Savage Starlight. Becca's not in love with the spaceship stuff or the battles, which Ellie feels are the best part, but the romantic subplot between Daniela and Captain Ryan gives both women some common interest in the story.

Becca wants Ellie to start the wizard books next, but since Ellie is supposed to be reading on her own anyway, she talks Becca into loaning her the "so-not-for-kids" book about Sleeping Beauty instead. The book is so much weirder than the Dawn of the Wolf series. It leaves Ellie feeling almost as confused and frustrated as she felt after the magazines. She ends up returning the book to Becca three chapters in, but the frustration stays with her. She waits for David to go hunting without her so she can steal one of his magazines, but he keeps her by his side so often it's a little creepy. Ellie plows through the first three Harry Potter books in a week, trying to keep her mind off of sex.

Two days later, Ellie decides she can't take it anymore. She's going to grow a spine and handle the issue like a grownup. She decides to approach David right before bed that night.

"Hey, I'm gonna look at your magazines," she says smoothly, despite her racing pulse. "Is that cool?"

"Sure," David says. "I moved them, though. Let me get them for you."

Fuck, of course he'd make it so he he'd have to get them for her. She follows him into his bedroom and tries not to look too grossed out when he opens the nightstand next to his bed.

"You let me know if you have any questions," he says as he hands the butt magazine to her.

"Yeah, whatever," she says, then hurries away from the awkward situation as fast as her blistered feet will take her.

She reads the magazine five times and, to her chagrin, finds that she does have questions. Besides the annoying feeling in her stomach that won't go away, she's bothered by the realization that she doesn't have a fucking clue what's going on in half the pictures. She tries not to care, but the pictures are just so weird that she can't stand not knowing. She lasts a full day before cracking and taking the magazine back to David.

"Are you finished with it, or do you have questions?" he asks.

She clears her throat and tries to talk about it like a grownup- that is, without laughing nervously. "Uh, questions."

"Ask away."

"So like... what are these things?" She thrusts her finger at two different pictures on a page titled "HARDCORE FETISH." She's too embarrassed to look at the page longer than a few seconds.

"Well..." David seems only half as uncomfortable as Ellie is, but she wonders if he's just better at hiding it. "You stick that first tube in someone's bottom and let the water fill them up. Afterward, they go to the bathroom and let it all out. It's originally a medical thing. Doctor's used to do it to people who couldn't go to the bathroom. I'm not completely sure what the appeal is in a magazine like this, but that's what it is."

"You're totally pulling my leg." Ellie tilts her head to look at the picture again. "Doctors are so fucking weird! You've gotta wonder who came up with some of the shit they do, and how! But... you're telling me this gave a lot of people hard-ons back in the day?"

"Apparently enough people that they put it in the magazine."

"What about this one?"

"That's a butt plug. You put it in, exactly where you'd expect, and it stays put until you take it out. But that one's special- the wires mean it delivers electrical shocks."

"To that girl's asshole?!" Ellie's mouth falls open. "Jesus! What the fuck, David? This is some sick, sick shit you're into."

He laughs and smooths down the corners Ellie dog-eared. "Hey, you're the one obsessing over the two hardcore pages in the entire magazine. I'm more interested in the- here, I'll show you." He flips to a page with the two women from the cover. There are a bunch of pages with those two, but he flips to one where the blonde is spanking the redhead with a riding crop. "And this." He turns the page and points to a few smaller pictures- the girls kissing each other, one sucking on the other's nipple, one sticking her tongue out near the other's asshole.

"These are more fun to look at," Ellie admits. "Look how red her ass is in this one! She looks like she's having fun, though."

"Yeah? Maybe I should spank you for not eating your dinner."

"Gross, no!" Even as Ellie protests, she feels that rush of frustrated excitement again. She can't decide if she'd rather be the one spanking a pretty girl like that, or if she'd rather be getting spanked by one. Either way, she presses her knees together to keep him from smelling how wet she is. Definitely time to change the subject. "Okay, but like-" She turns the page. "Was this normal? I can understand how she fits one or two fingers in, but who the fuck wants someone's entire hand shoved up their ass? Was this a thing people did all the time?"

"Probably not," David says. "It might have been a normal lesbian thing, but who knows what lesbians really do when the cameras aren't on? None of the girls I've ever made love to have been interested in it, even the ones who liked taking me in the back door."

Ellie cracks up at that. "'The back door'? That's great! Did you come up with that?"

He snorts. "God, I forget how young you are sometimes."

"Just a different generation, man. Anyway, thanks for explaining stuff to me."

Ellie is still feeling really warm and daring from looking at the magazine, so when David gets up to put the magazine back, she clears her throat again.

"Um, I have another weird question."

"Shoot."

"Do you still feel like tickling me?"

A little smile turns up his lips. "Sure, Ellie. I'd love to tickle you. You want me to tie you up first?"

She shakes her head. "Nah."

"You sure? You might hurt yourself."

"Maybe another time."

He sits down next to her again and pulls her onto his lap. "Tickle attack!"

Ellie starts laughing and squirming before he even touches her.

"What, are you psychically ticklish now?" he teases her. His fingers dart up and down her sides, under her armpits, and behind her knees, making her laugh like crazy.

"No, no!" She tries not to kick him, because for all her protesting, she really likes it. "Haha, quit!"

His fingers brush past one of her hard nipples, making her arch her back even as she chokes on her laughter. She can't tell if the touch was an accident or not. As intimate as his tickling is, it probably doesn't matter. She tries to grab his hands to stop him from tickling her, but he's a lot stronger than she is, and she kinds of likes that.

A few minutes after Ellie finally gives hope of ever being able to breathe again, David stops tickling her and pushes her messy hair out of her face.

"You're really cute like this," he says. His face is so close to hers he could kiss her mouth. He doesn't, though. He kisses her forehead instead.

Ellie is panting too hard to say anything back. That's probably a good thing. She feels way too warm and reckless, like she would do anything he dared her to right then. It's not even him making her like this. She'd rather have, say, Becca tickling her, but Becca isn't even supposed to be sitting up in bed, and besides, Ellie doesn't want things to get weird with Becca. She needs a best friend a lot more than she needs a tickle-buddy. But if she can have both... Both would be ideal.

David is hard under his jeans. Ellie can feel him under the back of her thigh.

He tucks more of her hair behind her ear, touching her face as he does. "Was that fun for you too?"

Ellie nods.

"Good." He massages the inside of her knee, his hand creeping up her jeaned leg.

Ellie panics, more because of her desire than his. "I have to go," she says. She hops off his lap and hurries for the door. "Sorry. I'm just... I have to go."

She crashes dinner at Becca's house, much to James' displeasure, and spends the rest of the evening distractedly reading _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ on Becca's couch.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Sorry for the delay on this one. As you can see, it's nearly 5,000 words long! Just wanted to warn you that there is another, slightly more detailed sex scene in this chapter, and that although it starts out more or less consensual, it ends in a noncon-ish way. There's also some very light bondage involved. Alright, carry on!**

OoOoO

David goes hunting without Ellie one afternoon and comes back with boy's clothes that are about Ellie's size. She knows where they must have come from, but it's fucking cold outside and her current jeans have holes in them, so she doesn't ask questions. She just takes the pile and lays the clothes out on her bed.

"Thanks," she says.

"Well, try them on," David says. He doesn't turn his back for her modesty, so she does instead.

"Maybe we should make our own clothes." Ellie drops her worn-out jeans and steps into the legs of the new pair. They're fleece-lined and warm and just... perfect. She pulls them up her legs. "I bet Becca would teach me how to sew, if I asked."

"As much of a little tomboy as you are, I figured sewing would be beneath you."

"Not if it's part of survival. Anyway, I like spending time with Becca." Ellie buttons the jeans. They're loose, but they don't fall off her hips. "I bet she'd be a really good teacher. She seems like the hands-on type, which is way better than trying to learn from a stupid book."

"Ohh, I see." David sounds just a little too smug. "You would put up with girly things if it meant having Becca's pretty hands touching yours. That figures."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ellie takes her worn out shirt off and pulls on the boy's undershirt. It smells like soap and campfire smoke and feels soft against her tender breasts. "Seriously, David, I don't get it."

"I mean, do you and Becca have a lot of 'hands-on' book club meetings when James isn't there?"

"Huh?" Ellie glances over her shoulder as she buttons the red flannel shirt, trying to figure out what the fuck David is joking about. "We read books and drink tea and shit. And we haven't done that in a while. Why? What's so funny about that?"

"Never mind." David walks up behind her and runs his hand down her back. He pulls back the loose waistband and tucks Ellie's shirt in, sliding his hand all the way down to the bottom of Ellie's ass to smooth the fabric.

She tenses at his touch, but he doesn't do anything besides tuck the shirt in all the way around. When he's done, Ellie looks in the mirror. She makes a face and tugs the shirt up a little so it's still tucked in but looks less dorky. As she tugs at the fabric to make it all even, she notices something else new in the reflection.

"Is that a guitar?" she demands. "Do you know how to play? Holy shit, will you play something for me?"

"Take it easy," David says, picking up the guitar case. It's more silver than black, thanks to the duct tape holding it together. "Yes, it's a guitar. Yes, I know how to play, although I'm probably a little rusty. And _maybe_ I'll play something for you, if you're good."

"If I'm good?" Ellie rolls her eyes. "What am I, five? Just play something!"

"Be patient." David sits on her bed and opens the case. "I haven't even tuned it yet."

Ellie sits cross-legged on the floor and watches David tune the new guitar. Well, it's not new, but Ellie doesn't want to think about where it came from. She watches him tweak and turn the knobs, plucking and strumming with his forehead wrinkled in concentration. When he's satisfied with it, he looks up at Ellie.

"Any requests?"

"What do you remember the best?"

"The only ones I'm sure about are all Springsteen songs."

"Cool! I've never heard of them before."

David shakes his head. "It's not a 'them.' It's a 'him.'"

"Whatever! Just play something for me already."

He strums a few practice notes and then starts playing a sweet intro. Ellie half-listens to the words he's singing, more intent on the way his fingers are moving.

_"Hey little girl is your daddy home?_

_Did he go away and leave you all alone?_

_I got a bad desire_

_I'm on fire_

_Tell me now baby is he good to you?_

_Can he do to you the things that I do?_

_I can take you higher_

_I'm on fire_

_Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull_

_And cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul_

_At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet_

_And a freight train running through the middle of my head_

_Only you can cool my desire_

_I'm on fire."_

When he finishes, Ellie claps. "That was awesome!" she says. "Will you teach me how to play?"

"I'll teach you what I remember." He pats his knee.

Ellie sits on his lap without hesitation this time, and he rests the guitar on her legs.

"What do you know about music?" he asks.

"I know about notes and shit. I can't read music very well, but I know about notes and sharps and flats."

"Good, good." He runs his fingers over the strings. "With guitar, you usually play a bunch of notes that sound good together. So you hold your fingers like this and it makes a chord..." He contorts her fingers across the strings and then uses her other hand to strum. "And you play different chords to make a song."

"Teach me a song?"

He twists her fingers around on the strings. Ellie finally declares defeat for the day and rubs her blistering fingertips.

"Thanks for the lesson," she says.

"Sure." David sets the guitar back in its case and wraps his arms around Ellie. "I like spending time with you."

"Yeah, I'm awesome like that." Ellie's stomach growls, reminding her that breakfast was a long time ago. "You didn't happen to get any more squirrel meat on your trip, did you?"

"I got plenty of meat," David says. "I can tell you it's from a squirrel, if that'll let you eat with a clear conscience."

Ellie sticks her tongue out in distaste. "Pass. I'll just go hunting again on my own in a little bit."

"One of these days you'll get hungry enough to eat it." David bites her shoulder through her shirt, just hard enough to make Ellie giggle. "Maybe I should spank you for not eating what's served for breakfast."

"Sounds like a good way to lose your fucking hand," Ellie kids.

"Watch your language, Ellie."

"You watch your language."

David sighs. "It does seem a little silly, though. Those folks are already dead. If you get nourishment from their deaths, then they gave their lives to feed the savior of all mankind, right? You're going to need your strength in the spring. Salt Lake City isn't exactly close. Are you going to let their sacrifice go to waste?"

"You're nuts," Ellie says. "Those people didn't choose to feed me. You just killed them and made the choice for them. Maybe some people would rather be living cowards than dead heroes. They didn't choose to sacrifice themselves."

"Unless you commit suicide, no one gets to choose how they die," David says. "Most peoples' deaths are pointless. These people are lucky that they'll be remembered as saving others through their deaths."

"So you're saying that you'd be fine with people eating your body after you're dead?"

"I don't want to die at the moment, but yes. When I die, I want it to mean something." He pets her hair. "If something happens to me, I want my body to nourish someone, not turn into ashes or dust."

"This is creepy," Ellie says. "Let's talk about something less sad and disgusting."

"Like what?" David asks. "Like how much you liked being tickled?" He starts tickling Ellie, who's trapped in his arms.

"No, fuck, nooooo!" Ellie cries as she laughs uncontrollably and kicks her legs. "No, don't tickle me, quit!"

"You like it," David says. "I'm not going to stop until you admit it."

"No, I hate it!" Ellie chuckles and tries to grab his hands. "Stop!"

"Not until you say you like it."

He tickles her for what feels like hours. When Ellie finally can't take it anymore, she sucks in a deep breath and yells, "Okay! I admit it!"

David keeps tickling her. "Admit what?"

"I like being tickled by you!" Ellie laughs. "I like being tickled!"

"There we go." David stops tickling her, letting Ellie slide onto the floor.

She lies there panting for breath for a while, her face and stomach sore from laughing so hard. "You're mean," she says as she catches her breath.

"Yeah, but you like it." David pokes her in the rib with his big toe, making Ellie's over-ticklish body squirm.

She sits up and folds her arms. "I do not."

He leans down and kisses her forehead and smooths down her hair, which is probably standing straight up after all that tickling. "Whatever you say, Ellie. I just want to do right by you. I...I love you."

No one has ever told Ellie they love her before. She isn't sure whether to tell him to get his fucking hands off her or tell him she loves him too, so she just kind of freezes in place. The generator kicks on just then, and the hum and flicker of lights saves her from having to figure out what to do.

"You want to listen to some music?" David asks.

Ellie nods.

They end up sitting on his bed, listening to The Smiths and reading one of the bondage magazines together.

"It looks so painful, though," Ellie says. "It can't be fun to take something that big up your butt."

"I never had any complaints," David says. "You just have to go slow and use lots of lube. I could show you."

"No fucking way." Ellie shakes her head. "It sounds really fucking painful and disgusting. I'd rather die."

"Have you ever tried it?"

"Have you?"

"Fair point. But it might feel fantastic. How will you know unless you try?"

"You could say the same exact thing about being eaten by a clicker," Ellie says. "Forget it. I'm not interested, unless maybe I can be the girl wearing the fake dick."

"I miss the internet," David sighs. "The videos I could show you, Ellie..."

They finish looking at that magazine and open another. "Look, Ellie, more girls getting spanked," David says.

"Yeah, I see it." Ellie's face gets hot. "You don't have to keep pointing it out. It's not, like, my fetish or anything."

"You sure seem to get hot and bothered from it. You grew up in a military boarding school, right? I bet you have all sorts of exciting spanking stories from your childhood."

"Nope," Ellie says. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I've never been spanked."

"Never?"

"Never. My mom died when I was a day old, and no one seems to know who my dad would have been." Marlene might know, but she might also be dead. And even if she's not, she's definitely not interested in telling Ellie. "And they don't spank anyone at the military boarding schools. They just take away privileges and shit like that. So no, I've never been spanked."

"Let's change that. Come here. Lay down across my lap."

For some reason, Ellie does as he says, trying to decide whether she's more turned on or freaked out. Both are pretty strong contenders.

"I feel like the magazine pictures are pretty fake," Ellie says. "How did people, especially kids, normally get spanked?"

"Well, if your mother had stuck around, this is probably how she would have spanked you." He pats her ass through her jeans, and she barely feels it. "Some moms are meaner than others, though. They might spank you like a dad would."

"And how is that?"

David unbuttons her jeans and pulls them down her ass, followed by her panties. He shifts and pulls off his belt, folding it in half.

"This type is usually reserved for the really cruel or dangerous, uh... indiscretions." He thwacks the belt across Ellie's buttocks.

"Ow!"

It hurts like a bitch. He spanks her with the belt a few more times, until she kicks her legs and tries to cover her ass with her hands.

"Ow, okay, stop!"

He stops, and she moves her hands.

"If you were really in trouble, you'd get extra spankings for trying to block the belt with your hands," he tells her. "You might even get tied down to the bed so you couldn't try to stop me."

"Dude, I've never been so glad to not have a dad before," Ellie says, even though the idea is making parts of her throb like crazy.

He massages the hot welts with his big, calloused hand. "Well, if I was your dad, I would only spank you with my hand unless you really needed the belt."

"Like a mom spanking?"

"Yes, but harder and on your bare bottom. Like this."

He spanks her a few times to demonstrate. It stings and makes her whole ass burn, but in a way that feels good. His hand makes a super loud, super satisfying slapping sound every time it hits her skin. She accidentally lets out a little sigh of pleasure after a few minutes of careful silence, and he stops spanking her.

"Remind me why I'm spanking you, again?"

"Because- because I won't eat people."

His fingers dip between her legs, brushing over sensitive spots so gently it almost tickles. He crooks his arm around Ellie's head so his fingers are in front of her face. They're shiny and slick from her wetness.

"I think I might need to find a more effective punishment for you," he says. "I think you like getting spanked a little too much, Ellie."

Her face feels as hot as her ass. "I don't know why," she mutters.

"Because a warm, red bottom means that somebody loves you enough to teach you how to survive the world," he says. "And you haven't had a whole lot of people like that in your life, have you?"

"No," Ellie admits.

"Well, you have me now." David strokes her hair with his other hand. "Will you lick my fingers clean for me, Ellie?"

She sticks her tongue out, and he slides his dirty fingers into her mouth. His rough fingerprints make her lips tingle, but she doesn't mind the taste of herself on his hand. She sucks his digits clean, slowly becoming aware of his boner pressing into her stomach through his jeans.

"Are you going to keep spanking me?" she asks when she's finished sucking on his fingers.

"Do you want me to?"

"You can," she says. It's probably a terrible idea, but she really, really wants it right that second.

He spanks her again until her bottom is adequately sore, and then he slides her onto her knees on the floor. Her jeans and panties are still around her thighs. Ellie is panting like an overheated dog, and she can barely think straight.

"I know you're not attracted to me like that," David says, "but I would do just about anything to lick your sweet little pussy again, Ellie."

The thought of him-or anyone, really- licking her like that makes her feel unbearably warm and tingly and dizzy. "Okay," she breathes. "Yeah, you can do that."

He strips her new clothes off her and lays her on her back on his bed. His mouth and beard tickle her, but aside from a few spasms, she mostly manages to ignore it and enjoy the amazing way it makes her feel. She keeps getting close to something as exciting and terrifying as jumping into really deep water. She wants to reach it so badly, but she can't let go and get comfortable with David for long enough to dive in. She groans.

After a while, he sits up and wipes his mouth on his hand. "I think I know what you need," he says. "But there's no way I'm doing it without tying you up first. May I?"

Every part of Ellie goes on red alert at that. _Bad idea, bad idea!_ But the idea of being tied up sounds slightly fun, even if it's against Ellie's better judgement. "I don't know..." she says.

"Oh, come on, Ellie. I want to see you come so badly. You'll love it. Besides, if you can't trust me over something so minor, how are you going to be able to trust me when a pack of clickers is coming after us?"

Ellie thinks of all the times he's had her back against clickers and runners and that bloater, and she feels guilty for not trusting him. "Okay," she says. "But if you stick it in my ass, I swear to God, I'll murder the shit out of you."

He snorts. "Maybe another time. Put your hands above your head."

Ellie does, and David ties her wrists to a slat of wood in the headboard. He starts kissing all over her naked body, pausing to lick and suck on her tiny nipples before he presses his lips to her stomach. Ellie tries not to laugh, but his beard tickles.

"Okay, knock it off!" she says. "Just fuck me already. I'm too ticklish for this shit."

He lifts her legs up and wraps them around his waist. She's so wet down there that it barely hurts when he slips inside her. It actually feels slightly good. She closes her eyes and thinks about the girls in the magazine.

"Oh, fuck," she whispers. She feels warm all over.

He starts moving back and forth, hovering over her, and Ellie tries to move with him. That rush of frustration is back, stronger than ever. He slides his hand between their bodies, fingers searching through Ellie's curly hair until he finds the sweet spot that makes Ellie throw her head back against the pillow.

"Fuck! Keep touching me right there, okay? Oh fuck, oh fuck..."

Her breathing comes way too fast and her legs shake, but she can't quite figure out how to get where she wants to be. All she knows is that she doesn't hate having him inside her this time. She moans and wiggles underneath him and tries to make everything feel even better.

"I know what you need, Ellie," David says. His other hand, the one not rubbing magic into her, starts tickling her exposed side and underarm.

"No!" she shrieks, and then dissolves into laughter. "Oh fuck, haha! Stop, David, please! No more, no more!"

But even as she's complaining, her body starts to tighten around him. Her muscles feel so good she thinks her nerves might explode from pleasure. Her back arches, her toes curl into David's back, and she becomes completely immune to tickling for a few blissful, perfect seconds. Somewhere far away, she can hear herself swearing and crying David's name over and over again.

"Good girl, Ellie," David's voice says into her ear. "I told you you'd like it. That's a good girl."

And just like that, before her body is even done pulsing, she hates him and she hates herself and she hates everything about sex. Her feet drop to the bed, her knees still forced open by David's body between them. He kisses her neck, no longer tickling her, just pumping away frantically at her body. It doesn't hurt, exactly, but it's uncomfortable, and she wants to be anywhere else.

"Hey, untie me," she says.

He doesn't hear her, or he pretends not to hear her. Ellie can't tell which. She tries to get her feet onto his chest to kick him off, but she's not quite that flexible.

"Seriously, David, get the fuck off of me and untie me!" she says. "I'm really freaking out. Get the fuck off me! I can't do this anymore."

He acts like he doesn't hear her, but his ear is literally inches away from her mouth. How can he not hear her? Maybe he thinks this is like when he tickles her and she screams for him to stop but she doesn't really mean it. Shit, now that she thinks about it, it's kind of her fault that he's not taking her pleas of "no" and "stop" seriously. She would be confused, too.

She can't kick him off, she can't get her mouth close enough to bite him, and she can't slip her hands out of the ropes to push him away. Shit, shit, shit. Ellie tries not to cry. Letting him tie her up was the worst fucking idea she's ever had. And to make things worse, she's afraid to keep demanding he stop and untie her, because what if she says it really loudly and really seriously and he still doesn't stop? That's practically rape, she's pretty sure, and she doesn't want to have to be dependent on a rapist for food and shelter and safe passage to the Fireflies. Fuck! David smooches her neck, and Ellie stares at the big brown splotches of water damage on the ceiling.

She pretends that she's Daniela, letting Captain Ryan tie her up. It's not too unlikely a scenario, she decides. As tough and in-charge as Daniela is most of the time, Captain Ryan has always been a vulnerable spot for her. Maybe he ends up betraying her in the end. Ellie thinks that would be cool to see, mostly because she thinks Daniela is way too good for Captain Ryan. She pretends like she's on a spaceship, hurtling through the black emptiness of space. She watches the stars streak past her window as Captain Ryan-James, she thinks- makes love to her. That's not so bad. They could die any second, so it's better to enjoy each others' company. She tries to enjoy it, even though her body is tense and a little afraid of him.

He groans a minute later and stops moving. He lies there on top of her for a minute, making it hard for her to breathe. She can feel him twitching inside of her, and she wants to barf. "Oh, I love you so much, Ellie," he says, kissing her cheek. "You're a good kid."

She wants to kick the shit out of him, even though it's her fault. She feels paralyzed, stricken by the stickiness dripping out of her and getting his sheets all gross. The second he unties her, she pushes him off of her and runs for the bathroom. She scrubs down and finishes showering before the water even has a chance to get warm. David is still lying naked on his bed when she goes back to get her clothes, so she gets dressed with her back to him. She squeezes the water out of her hair and pulls it into a shitty ponytail on her way out of the room.

"I'm going over to Becca's house," she says, and doesn't wait for him to answer.

She shows up on Becca's doorstep less than a minute later, trying to keep her face normal as the door swings open. "Hey," she says. "Can we watch your Pride and Prejudice DVD again?"

"Sure!" Becca says. "You don't have to ask me twice. I'll watch Colin Firth any day of the week."

"Ugh, I'm gone," James says, giving both women a disgusted look as he pulls his coat on. "I'd rather eat rusty nails than watch that movie one more time. Bye."

Ellie only makes it five minutes into the movie before she starts crying. She was hoping to make it to a point in the movie where it actually made sense for her to cry, but she can't hold it in anymore. She turns her head away and tries to wipe her face on her sleeve as sneakily as possible.

"Are you okay, Ellie?" Becca touches her arm. "This isn't a sad part."

"I know." Ellie sniffs. "I, um... I just..."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Ellie does, but she also doesn't, because it was so freaking stupid of her to let David tie her up, and it was even stupider of her to let him fuck her, and it was stupidest of all to try to make him stop when he was so turned on. And she's afraid that if she talks about it, Becca will realize just how stupid and immature Ellie is and not want to hang out anymore, and Ellie can't handle that idea. She cries harder and shakes her head.

"It's okay." Becca hugs Ellie, her huge belly getting in the way. "Shh, it's okay. You don't have to talk about it. I'm here for you, though, okay?"

"Okay," Ellie hiccups. "Thanks."

Ellie eventually manages to calm down and watch the movie again, although her brain and her heart aren't really in it. Becca keeps her arm around Ellie, rubbing her arm in a sisterly way. Ellie wishes that she was Elizabeth Bennet and Becca was Jane and they lived together in a pretty English house like in the movie. She falls asleep on Becca's shoulder, and when she wakes up, the power is out and David is standing over her. Ellie jerks upright and looks for Becca.

"Sorry, David, I was going to wake her up," Becca is saying. "But she seemed like she was having a bad day when she came over, and she just looked so peaceful sleeping there. I'm sorry you had to come for her."

"It's no trouble," David says. "I was just worried about her. Come on, pretty girl. Time to go home."

He puts one arm behind her back and the other under her knees, and Ellie freaks out.

"Wait, stop! I'm sleeping here tonight!"

"Now, Ellie, don't be rude," David says. "You can't just invite yourself over for a slumber party. You don't want to overstay your welcome, do you?"

Ellie shakes her head.

"We'll plan one soon," Becca promises. "You go home and get tucked in your warm bed, okay, Ellie?"

Ellie hunches her shoulders around her ears but lets David pick her up. They all say quick goodbyes, and then David carries her through the snow and the whistling wind. She halfway dozes until he lays her on his bed and unlaces her boots.

"Put me in my bed," she mumbles. "I don't want to sleep in here."

"It's especially cold tonight," he says. "I don't want you to freeze to death in your sleep. The world needs you to stay alive, right?"

She can't argue with that, but that doesn't stop her from sleeping pressed up against the far edge of the bed.

"Are you mad at me again?" David asks as he climbs in next to her.

She is mad, but she has no right to be, so she shakes her head.

"You ran out of here earlier like I stepped on your puppy. You want to tell me what that was all about?"

"Can we just drop it?" Ellie snaps. "I'm just tired and hungry and confused and apparently _really_ bad at communicating. Can we just go to sleep?"

"Sure," David says. "Whatever you want, Ellie."

He rubs Ellie's back and arm. She tries to stay awake longer than him, just to spite him. Before she can even finish that thought, however, she's waking up from a nightmare about clickers sneaking into the house. She checks the house with her rifle in tow. When she finds no clickers, she goes back to bed and dreams of accidentally eating Callus, of the groaning roof collapsing on her, and of David chopping her into tiny pieces in the meat freezer.


	11. Chapter 11

By the time Ellie wakes up from her fourth nightmare of the night, her back hurts and she's in no mood to go back to sleep. Instead, she rolls out of bed, puts her boots back on, and decides to check on Callus. He's warm and in his clean stable with his blanket on. Ellie grabs his brush and strokes his mane.

"I had a weird dream last night," Ellie says. "I dreamt I accidentally ate you. Sorry about that, buddy."

Callus snorts hot air onto her hand. Ellie brushes her horse's mane, getting the tangles out. She hears a weird noise that makes her pause.

"You hear that?" she asks Callus.

Callus just stomps his feet. Ellie takes the safety off her pistol and investigates the noise, which seems to be coming from an old bale of hay.

When David comes out to the stables a while later, Ellie is hovering over her new pet.

"What are you doing out here?" David asks. "I was worried about you."

"Shh!" Ellie gestures for him to come closer. "Look who's been living here right under our noses."

David gets down on his knees with her. "You found a little friend, did you?" He pets the black-and-white cat and then prods at her belly. "She's got kittens inside her," he says. "Spring must be right around the corner."

Ellie nods. "I hope she'll be able to feed her kittens."

"She will," David assures her. "She'll feed herself and then nurse the babies. Cats are great little hunters."

Ellie sighs. "Maybe she can go hunting for me, then."

"You look exhausted," David says, touching Ellie's chin. "Go lie down for a while."

"I can't," Ellie says. "I'm starving, and I know I'll just have nightmares. I need to go kill some breakfast."

"Let me do it for you," David says. "Go get in your bed, and I'll hunt some breakfast for you. Let me take care of you, Ellie. It makes me happy."

Her legs and back hurt pretty bad, so she doesn't put up a fuss. She goes back inside, yanks her jeans and shoes back off, and crawls into bed. She's asleep before she can finish thinking about how she's never going to get to sleep.

When she wakes up, she's all wet and sticky between her legs, and there's a puddle underneath her. She feels like someone kicked the shit out of her back and stomach. She raises her head off the pillow and blinks in the sunlight filtering into the room.

"Fuck," she groans. "I'm so not in the mood today..."

Thank fuck the sheets are dark blue. She rolls out of bed as carefully as she can, keeping her legs together so the blood doesn't gush down to her ankles. She digs through her backpack and finds her stained, raggedy old towels near the bottom of her bag. It's been a while since she had a period, like since before Joel died, and her body seems to be making up for lost time. Ellie grabs a pair of black panties and waddles barefoot to the bathroom.

She tries to salvage her bloody underwear with icy tap water, but it becomes obvious pretty quickly that there's no hope for them. She tosses them in the trash and changes into her clean pair of panties, folding the old towel before nestling it between the legholes. Ellie really fucking hates everything about being a girl right then. She rinses off her legs and then throws her larger towel over the dark stain on the navy blue sheet. She'll deal with cleaning the sheets later.

Someone knocks on the door right as she's falling asleep again.

"You still sleeping?" David asks.

"Kind of," Ellie says. "I feel like shit."

"Are you sick?" He comes in and hands her a plate of fried up meat.

She sniffs it. It smells more like chicken than pork, so she's pretty sure it's squirrel rather than human.

"No," she says. "It's just girl stuff. Is it okay if I stay in bed for a while?"

"Of course," David says. He leaves, closing her door most of the way.

Ellie finishes her breakfast and feels a lot better about life. She's drifting back off to sleep when David opens the door again and walks over to her bed.

"Brought you something." He pulls back the covers and rests a red rubber bag over her stomach. It's warm and instantly calms away most of the ache in her belly.

"Ahh, that's perfect," Ellie sighs. "Thanks."

"No problem." He kicks off his boots and lies down next to her, pulling the covers up over both of them.

Ellie stiffens as he puts his arm over her. She totally didn't say he could get into her bed, much less start snuggling her. But technically, the bed and everything on it belongs to him, and he's just being nice by letting her sleep there. Anyway, he can't have sex with her while she's bleeding. She tries to relax.

"Sorry about last night," David says. "I got a little carried away. I keep trying to do the right thing, but you make it so damn difficult, Ellie." He rubs her shoulder. "Your tight little body makes me crazy. Sometimes I lie awake for hours, just thinking about things I want to do to you. And when I'm inside you, it's like I'm on another planet and I can't concentrate on anything else. I never meant to scare you, pretty girl. I'm sorry."

Ellie presses her legs together, wishing he would get the fuck out of her bed. The way he talks about her makes her want to jump out of her own skin. But he's just trying to be nice, and at least he's being honest, so she shrugs.

"Whatever," she says. "I'm over it. It's no big deal, it just freaked me out to be tied up like that. I don't blame you or anything."

"Thanks." He kisses her cheek. "It was killing me to see you so upset."

"Yeah." She closes her eyes. "Hey, I feel pretty crappy from my period. Is it cool if I sleep alone for a while?"

"Of course." He tucks the blanket up around her neck and slides out of the bed. "Sleep tight, Ellie."


	12. Chapter 12

Once Ellie feels like doing things other than lie in bed and groan at the ceiling, she gets dressed and visits Becca.

"You seem a lot better than you did a few days ago," Becca says.

"Yeah, I was just being dumb," Ellie says. "How are you?"

"Better than I expected to feel." Becca claps her hands. "I'm so happy, Ellie! The baby keeps kicking today."

"Why does that make you happy?" Ellie asks. "I mean, it's not like it would make you unhappy, but I don't get it..."

Becca twists her reddish hair around her fingers. "Whenever the baby is quiet for a while, I get scared that it... that maybe something bad happened. My last few pregnancies haven't gone so well. The last time, I made it almost to six months and then... you know. That was the longest I'd ever made it, so I was really excited. I thought I was pretty much out of the woods. But this baby is so active and healthy, I just know everything is going to be okay this time."

"I hope you're right," Ellie says. "What does it feel like when the baby kicks?"

"Here," Becca says. "Give me your hands."

Becca's warm hands take Ellie's and press them just below the outline of Becca's protruding belly button. There's a weird thumping against Ellie's hands, almost like a heartbeat. She laughs in amazement.

"That's so cool!" she says. "It feels like you've been pregnant forever, though. When is your baby going to be born?"

"In the spring," Becca says. "It's hard to know exactly, but I think around mid-April."

"That's not very far away," Ellie says. "Are you ready for it?"

"I'm a little nervous," Becca admits. "I hope you'll still be here. I'm scared of the pain, and it would be nice to have a friend there to hold my hand and tell me jokes."

Ellie suddenly feels a lot older than fourteen. Well, she always feels older than fourteen these days, but usually it's in a way that makes her feel kind of sick and dizzy. But for once, she doesn't feel mature because she's been killing adults or burying adults or fucking adults who are supposed to be taking care of her. Becca's words make Ellie feel like they're equals. _A friend,_ that's what Becca said. Ellie beams.

"Yeah!" she says. "Of course I'll be here! It'll probably still be pretty cold and snowy then, so waiting a little longer can't hurt. I'm sure the Fireflies will still be there in May. I'll stay until you have your baby."

"Thanks," Becca says. "It means a lot. So, Ellie, do you want to finish that movie tonight?"

o0o0o

The next month passes slowly for Ellie. David teaches her guitar, and he even moves the record player into her room. He also comes into her room every third night or so with a couple of records in hand, and she starts dreading those nights.

"Well, Ellie, what's it going to be tonight?" he asks one night in late March. "The Beatles or Nirvana?"

"Do we have to do this tonight?" Ellie doesn't look up from her book. "I don't feel like it."

He puts the Nirvana album on and then unbuckles his belt. "I'll have to get you in the mood, then," he says. He leans over and starts tickling her.

"Gah, quit!" she grumbles, trying not to laugh. The book falls on the floor, losing Ellie's page. "Quit it! Fine, I'm in the mood, jerk."

He stops tickling her and unbuttons her jeans, pulling them all the way off her legs. She reluctantly gets on her hands and knees on the bed for him. She hates how it hurts at first, and then she hates how it feels good once she gets wet enough. He leans over her and kisses the super-sensitive spots on her back and shoulder blades, his fingers rubbing her all the while. He always does this, always makes her cum first when they have sex. That's good though, probably; he could be one of those creeps who doesn't care if the girl is turned on or not. She figures that guys like that are probably bad news.

He rubs her until she surrenders and lets the orgasm take control of her muscles and vocal cords. As soon as she goes limp, all the good feelings drop through her like a busted elevator. She rests her head on the mattress and moves his hand away from her overstimulated clit. With any luck, he'll finish soon and leave her alone for the night. She wonders if sex is less miserable when you don't have to worry about getting kicked out to die of exposure if you say no. She can't picture what it would feel like, even though she's read about it in Becca's books and imagined it every time David's fucked her.

His wet thumb suddenly invades her asshole, and every muscle in her body goes stiff. She kicks him in the knee and tries to escape, but he grabs her by the ponytail and holds on tight.

"Jesus, you motherfucker!" she yells, kicking wildly behind her. Her fingers try to detangle his from her hair. "You fucking dickhead! I told you not to do that!"

He laughs at her, which only pisses her off more.

"Let go of me, you piece of shit!"

"Just a second, Ellie," he grunts. "Just a second... Ahh..."

She realizes he's shooting his load inside her while she tries to get away. Furious, she twists around and elbows him in the ribs. He finally lets go of her, but he's more or less finished. She kicks him backwards and jumps off the bed, grabbing a towel to clean herself up with.

"Don't be mad, Ellie," David says, catching his breath. "I just wanted to see how you'd react. See, that wasn't so painful, right?"

It wasn't painful, no, but that didn't mean it felt good.

"I hated it," Ellie snaps. "I told you I never wanted to do that! Why the fuck would you just stick your finger in without asking me?"

"I thought you might enjoy it. I just wanted to make you feel good."

"Well, that did the opposite of make me feel good!" She throws the towel at his face and starts pulling her clothes on. "See if I have sex with you ever again, dickbrain!"

"Where are you going, Ellie?" he asks.

"Out," she says flatly. "Somewhere people won't try to stick things up my ass without permission."

"Okay, Ellie," he says, using the towel on himself. "You be safe out there."

The snow is melting, finally, but it's still cold outside. Ellie splashes through the slush, still cranky as she nears Becca's house. Becca welcomes Ellie with a cup of tea, which improves Ellie's mood a little. She sits on the couch, afraid to sit too close to Becca in case she 'smells like sex,' something she never even thought of until David murmured something into her neck last week. She shudders and decides not to think about David anymore.

"I know I say this every time I come over, but I can't believe how fucking huge your belly is," she says to Becca.

"I know," Becca laughs. "I can't believe it either. Did you come over just to tell me that, though?"

"No." Ellie leans on the arm rest, propping her head up. "Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm getting more freaked out by David than usual. I'm glad he's taking care of me, but the sex stuff... it's just really, really freaking me out lately. I want to leave. I need to get out of here. By myself."

Becca's expression freezes. "James?" she calls. "James, are you still here?" She struggles out of her chair and checks each room of the house.

For an awful couple of seconds, Ellie thinks Becca is looking for James to rat her out. But then Becca shuts the curtains and puts her finger on her lips.

"You have to be quiet when you talk about this stuff, Ellie. If this got back to David..." Becca shudders. "Look, David is pretty much a nice, normal guy if he considers you on his side, but this needs to stay a secret. The last girl who tried to leave-"

"What do you mean, 'the last girl'?" Ellie demands.

"The last girl David invited to stay at his house," Becca says. "You're the fifth one I know about, but I haven't been around David as long as some of the other people here. You're the first one I've ever been introduced to, so he must think you're special. He must plan on keeping you around for a long time. But there have been others, and they didn't last too long."

"What the fuck?" Ellie whispers. "Becca! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

"Because James told me not to," Becca glances up, like she's afraid that James might sneak in at any second. "And I know James loves me, but sometimes... sometimes I'm afraid of him."

"So what happened to the other girls?" Ellie asks. "Did they run away?"

"I don't know, exactly," Becca says. "One of them got pregnant right before James and I got here. She died because the baby was growing in the wrong place inside her. But most of the girls... I think..." She inhales with difficulty, sitting up straighter. "I think he might have killed the ones who tried to leave, Ellie. We would see them go into his house, and he would bring food and presents and things for a few months and then... One time we heard screaming from his house for hours, but no one wanted to go investigate, and then a few days later it was like the girl never even existed. Some of us have seen the other girls leave, but David always goes after them, and a few days later he comes back with their hole-riddled clothing and whatever other valuables they had with them, and he acts like nothing happened."

"Oh, holy shit," Ellie breathes. "So basically, I'm fucked no matter what?"

"No," Becca says. "You have your horse, right? If you ride as fast as you can once you leave, you'll probably be okay. I'll try to help you if I can. But Ellie, you can't breathe a word to anyone that you're trying to leave, okay?"

Ellie nods. "I won't, I swear."

"Go pull that Atlas off the shelf." Becca points to the top of the bookshelf. "Let's figure out where you're going now, so if you have to leave in the middle of the night, you'll know where to go."

Becca marks a tiny heart on the Colorado page to show Ellie where they are, and Ellie draws a star over the Snake River Dam. They try to figure out the best routes to take Callus until James comes home, when Becca quickly flips to the Europe section.

"What are you girls doing?" James asks, hanging up his coat.

"Looking at England." Becca shows him the page. "Making plans for a vacation after they find the cure."

"Yeah, that'll be the day." James rubs his neck. "You'd better get home, Ellie. I know David worries about you."

Ellie and Becca exchange looks, but Ellie grudgingly stands up. "I guess you're right," she says. "Thanks for letting me hang out, Becca."

"Any time," Becca says. She squeezes Ellie's hands. "You be good, okay?"

Ellie nods.


	13. Chapter 13

Ellie checks on Callus and the cat the next morning before her hunting trip. Mama Cat doesn't come running out for her breakfast, which is unusual. Ellie searches the stable for her. Just as she's starting to worry that a coyote or something got Mama Cat, Ellie finally hears pained meowing from under the blanket rack. She peeks underneath it and finds her cat.

"Hey, Mama Cat," Ellie says, holding her hand out. "What's wrong?"

Mama Cat is lying on her side, panting like a dog. Ellie pets the cat's head, wary of her sharp teeth. Mama Cat's nipped Ellie a couple of times already. Today, though, Mama Cat just stares at Ellie and shifts around on the warm straw. She raises up her leg and mewls again, and her round belly ripples like an alien is moving around inside it.

"Holy shit, are you having your kittens?" Ellie puts her hand on Mama Cat's belly. It's a lot tighter under her fingers than usual. "Oh man. I don't know what to do. Fuck, what do I do?"

"What's the matter, Ellie?" David asks.

Ellie bumps her head trying to scoot back out. "Mama Cat is having her kittens! What should I do?"

"Just leave her alone, Ellie," David says. "Cats give birth alone all the time. It's their nature. She knows what to do."

"Yeah, but maybe it's her first time giving birth," Ellie says. "Maybe she's scared of the pain and she really wants company and I'm the closest thing to a friend she has!" Tears prickle at her eyes, which weirds her out until she remembers that it's been about a month since her period started last time. She's probably just hormonal.

David sighs. "Tell you what. You lie down there and keep Mama Cat company, and I'll go tell James we won't be hunting till later."

"No, it's fine," Ellie says. "You can go."

"With as much deer as we've caught the past few days, we'll be okay to get a late start," David says. "Sit tight. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Ellie gets back down on her stomach and pets Mama Cat, saying nice things to her like, "You're doing great, Mama Cat! Your babies are gonna be super cute and healthy! You're awesome, Mama Cat!"

David returns with a clean, stained towel just in time to see a slimy ball plop out of Mama Cat.

"Holy shit," Ellie says. "Is that a kitten?"

"Yep." David lays the towel in front of Mama Cat. "They usually come out still covered in their amniotic sac."

Mama Cat lifts her leg and starts licking herself and the slime-covered blob.

"Oh, I'm gonna puke," Ellie says.

David chuckles.

"I'm serious." Ellie can't stop watching as Mama Cat starts biting and chewing the rubbery skin off the kitten. "Oh, Jesus. No, Mama Cat, please no. Why, why, _why?_"

"Cats just follow their instincts during labor," David says. "Their bodies know what to do. She's licking the baby so it can breathe. It's just nature, Ellie."

The kitten lies there, unmoving.

"I don't think it's breathing," Ellie says.

"I think you're right."

"Well, help it! Don't just stare at it! Make it start breathing!"

David reaches out with a corner of the towel and gently rubs the kitten's face and chest. Its little paws wiggle in protest, and it starts making squeaky little meows.

"Oh my god, that was so scary and cute at the same time," Ellie says. "You really saved the day."

David rubs Ellie's back and then rests his hand on her ass. She ignores it and focuses on Mama Cat instead.

"You're doing great, Mama Cat," Ellie says. "Keep up the good work."

"You feel more prepared for helping Becca now?" David asks.

"Hey, no one said anything about helping," Ellie says. "My plan is to stay up near her head and tell her jokes while Leah does all the dirty work."

"You know, in Bible times, you probably would have already done this a couple of times."

She turns to stare at him. "What? No way."

"People didn't live as long back then, so they got married and had babies a lot younger. Once a girl got her first period, she was fair game."

"That's horrible!" Ellie thinks of a girl she knew who started her period at eight. "Gross. People were so fucked up back then."

"Desperate times, desperate measures," David says. "It's not so different from today, if you think about it."

Ellie tries to imagine herself married and pregnant, but her mind blanks out. "Yeah, I can't picture it," she says. "I just want to take care of kittens right now. And like, maybe Becca will make me her baby's godmother or honorary aunt, or something."

"Maybe so," David says.

Eventually all the kittens are out and breathing. Mama Cat grooms them all with her tongue, and Ellie cautiously guides them to their mother's nipples.

"Aww, cute little babies." Ellie pets the firstborn kitty, the little mostly-black one who hadn't wanted to start breathing. "Oh Jesus. Oh no. David, what is Mama Cat doing?"

"She's just eating the afterbirth," David says. "It's totally normal."

Ellie gags and turns her head. "Please tell me Becca isn't going to do that when she has her baby. I know you guys are cannibals, but..." she gags again.

David laughs. "I think the kittens will be okay, if you need to take a break."

"Yeah." Ellie sucks in a deep breath. "A break might be good."

She stands up, and David joins her. He pulls her into a hug, forcing her nose into his hay-streaked shirt.

"You did real good with that, Ellie," he says. "I'm proud of you."

"Proud of me? For what?"

"Not fainting or anything."

"I almost barfed."

"Still." He tousles her hair. "Are you on your period this week?"

"No," she says, feeling super creeped-out. "It hasn't started yet. It doesn't really follow any particular schedule, though."

"Ah," David says, still rubbing her back.

"There's nothing wrong with me, though. I read it can take a few years for some people..." Ellie realizes she's talking because she's nervous, so she shuts her mouth and wipes her hands on her jeans.

"Climb up," David says, patting the bench next to them.

"Why?"

"Just take off your shoes and do it. It'll be fun."

She climbs on, and David unbuttons her jeans and helps her out of them. He kisses her legs, her knees, her stomach, her breasts, even her neck. He puts her feet on his shoulders and kisses her toes and feet and ankles until she gets too ticklish and starts kicking lightly at him. He's surprisingly gentle about fucking her, and she's a little turned on by how skilled and careful he was with the kittens, so her body is less tense than usual. She doesn't even have to pretend to be Daniela to get turned on, for once. She moans louder than the noises Callus and the kitties are making, barely remembering that anyone could walk in at any second. That almost turns her on more. He twitches inside her right as she's slipping into her orgasm, and by the time she finishes, he's collapsed forward on top of her. His beard scratches her chest.

"Good girl," he says. "Good girl. I told you it'd be fun."

"Yeah," she says. "That was pretty nice."

His hand rubs her lower belly. "Maybe someday you'll be the one having a baby. I think you'd look cute with baby in here."

"Yeah, _some_ day, maybe," she says, suddenly freezing. "A day when I'm not fourteen. I don't even think I can get pregnant until my periods are normal."

"I know." He kisses her forehead. "I just hope I'm around to see it."

"I can't think about that right now," Ellie sits up and searches for her panties. "Seriously, dude, my brain is so full of kittens and Salt Lake City and Becca's baby and saving the world that I literally don't have room in there to worry about the future right now. Are you ready to hunt?"

She jumps down and pulls her jeans back on, followed by her boots, and then hurries outside to escape the awkwardness.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Phew, another ridiculously long chapter. Apparently this one is just shy of 6,500 words! I just wanted to let you know that this chapter features a very graphic birth scene, as well as a brief mention of rape, pregnancy resulting from rape, and suicide (all three from a character you've never heard of before this chapter- no worries about Ellie). Be safe out there, lovelies!

o0o0o

Ellie spends most of her free time playing with the kittens. She wants to bring them to Becca's house, since Becca can't leave, but David warns her against trying to move the babies away from their mother.

"Let them get a little older," he says. "Becca's not going anywhere."

When the kittens are a week old, David, James, and most of the other men from town set out with their weapons to "investigate" a nearby camp that seems to have a lot of people. David kisses Ellie on the head.

"You take today off," he says. "I know you've had a weak stomach lately. Besides, I hear Becca's been lonely and asking for your company. Maybe Mama Cat will let you take her and the kittens for a ride."

As soon as he leaves, Ellie throws a pillow and some towels into a broken crate and piles Mama Cat and her babies in. She carries them to Becca's house, walking carefully since she can't see where her feet are stepping. Two of the town's mothers are out hanging laundry, their little ones strapped to their backs or leashed to their wrists. They coo over the kittens, but they keep their distance. Ellie feels like everyone in the town has done nothing but keep their distance from her since she got there, and she wonders if David scared them off from talking to her, or if they figured out that Ellie was the little girl from the college. She finally reaches Becca's house and sets the box of cats on the doorstep so she can knock on the door.

It takes Becca a while to answer. Ellie finally stands on her tiptoes, trying to peer over the boards on the window. Just as she's worrying that something's wrong, the door unlocks beside her.

"Sorry, Ellie!" Becca says. She's wearing her light blue nightgown, the one with the zigzag lace over the front. "Come on in. Oh my gosh, you brought the kittens! Oh, cute!" She sticks her hand down in the box, and two kittens lick her fingers. "Ahh! Their tiny little tongues tickle! Bring them on in."

Ellie follows her inside and sets the box on the sofa. "Are you okay? I was getting worried."

"Yeah." Becca rubs her back, a slight frown creasing her forehead. "My stomach has been really upset today. I really hope I'm not getting sick."

"Yeah, that would be seriously bad." Ellie puts her hand on Becca's forehead. "You don't feel hot. Do you have a headache or anything?"

"No," Becca says. "I just feel restless and a little sick to my stomach. Mostly restless. I woke up before the sun and started cleaning and dusting everything."

Ellie looks around. The house does look even tidier than usual. "Wow, yeah," Ellie says. "Do you need any help with anything? I don't want you to make yourself sick. I'll clean if you tell me what you want me to do. I'm not super great at knowing what needs to be cleaned."

"I think I'm about finished," Becca says, sitting down next to the box. "How many kittens are there? They keep moving around!"

"There are seven," Ellie says. "Poor Mama Cat didn't know what to think."

"Oh, they're so cute and tiny!" Becca rubs one against her cheek. "Their little eyes aren't even open yet!"

They sit and cuddle the cats for a while, but Ellie's mind is elsewhere. She finally clears her throat.

"Hey, Becca?"

"Yes?"

"Can you get pregnant if your periods don't have a normal schedule?"

Becca frowns. "I'm really not sure, Ellie. Sorry."

"It's cool. I was just curious."

Becca cradles the little mostly-black one in both her hands, making kissy noises at it. "I feel like you probably could, though. I mean, my sister got pregnant before she even had her first period, so..."

"Holy shit. Are you serious?"

Becca nods. "She was thirteen, James and I were almost twelve. It was pretty traumatic for all of us, actually."

"What happened? Did she have the baby?"

"No. She really didn't want to be pregnant, but she couldn't find anyone to make it go away, so she cried for six months straight and then slit her wrists in the bathtub a few weeks before she was supposed to have give birth."

"Oh, Jesus." Ellie looks down at the box of squirming kittens. "I'm sorry, Becca. That's... rough. I don't even know what to say."

"I know." Becca holds her kitten close to her chest, resting it on her swollen stomach. "I really hope she's in a better place. I've been thinking of her lately, what with being pregnant, and I don't know how she took care of us for as long as she did! Being pregnant is pretty miserable, even when your baby is conceived in love and happiness. I can't imagine what it would be like if the whole thing was a reminder of awful things people did to me. I really don't think I could handle it."

"Me neither," Ellie says. "You know, I wonder sometimes who my dad would have been. I don't think my mom got pregnant because of any horrible event like that, but Marlene never wanted to talk about it. I just know that my mom didn't like babies, but she was cool with me. At least, she was cool with me for the day or so she knew me. She died right after I was born."

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I didn't really know her."

They sit in silence for a while, giving Ellie plenty of time to think. Panic starts rise up around her like deep water.

"Hey, Becca?"

"Hm?"

"How soon did you know you were pregnant? And how?"

"James and I tried so many times that I always halfway assumed I was pregnant as soon as my period was a few days late. When I started feeling sick a lot of the time, I would go to Leah for a checkup, and usually I was right." Becca puts her kitten on Ellie's flat chest. "Are you worried about having kittens of your own, Ellie?"

"Maybe," Ellie says. "I think I might have fucked up on some details."

Becca smooths down Ellie's hair. "I kind of wondered, but I didn't want to say anything."

"I should have known better," Ellie mutters. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No, it's all so complicated! I still don't understand plenty. Does David know?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he does." Ellie scowls. "He hasn't actually said anything, though. Except that he wants to see me pregnant. Gross."

"He said that?"

"Yeah, the other day."

Becca wrinkles her nose. "We _have_ to get you out of here, Ellie."

Ellie fidgets and looks down at her hands. "It's weird. Like, at least once a day he does or says something creepy and I go, 'Holy shit, I need to run the fuck away as fast as possible!' But then the rest of the time he's so normal and... kind of nice, I guess. And I start second-guessing myself like crazy! I'm like, 'Oh, he probably didn't mean that comment in a creepy way,' or 'Maybe I just imagined him doing that creepy thing.' I seriously feel like I'm going nuts."

"David kind of has that effect on people," Becca says. "And I think he's a good person in a lot of ways, but... I really don't want you to get sucked into staying here. He was over here the other night after I went to bed, laughing with James about how gullible you were for thinking you were ever getting to Salt Lake City. He bragged about having sex with you, about how you like to be tickled and how you let him cum inside you every time. He said you're the easiest girl he's ever been with."

"Fuck, he really said all of that?" Ellie rubs her the aching spot between her eyebrows to keep from crying. "I totally let him knock me up, didn't I? I'm so fucking stupid!"

"No, no," Becca says. "You're just so young. But look on the bright side- in a few days, you'll be on your way to your friends. And if their doctors can't help you, uh, manage any potential pregnancy you might be facing, I'm sure the Fireflies will be able to." She makes a face and puts her hand on her stomach.

"Are you okay?" Ellie asks, blinking away her tears.

"My stomach is killing me! I can't tell if I need to go to the bathroom or if I'm just having contractions."

Ellie's hands get sweaty. "Um, don't contractions mean you're in labor?"

"Not really. I've been having them off and on for weeks. I promised Leah I'd stop bothering her until I'm completely sure I'm in labor. The baby isn't due for another two weeks."

"Well, I just about barfed delivering kittens last week," Ellie warns. "My goal is to keep my eyes closed the entire time you're having your baby. So if the baby falls out on the floor because you didn't get Leah in time, I'm so not even looking."

Becca laughs at that, and then she grabs her stomach with both hands. "Oh, don't make me laugh right now, Ellie! Ow..."

"What does it feel like?" Ellie asks. She's curious and scared and grossed out all at once.

"It's like a mixture of a really sharp period cramp and... you know when you feel sick but you can't tell which end it's going to come out, if anything is going to come out at all?"

Ellie nods.

"That's what it feels like."

"Sounds fun," Ellie says with a grimace.

"The funnest." Becca shifts in her seat. "Sorry I'm not very good company today."

"It's cool," Ellie says. "I'm terrible company plenty of days. Do you need anything?"

"I just don't want to be alone right now. Will you stay until James gets back?"

"Duh!" Ellie puts the kitties in their box and sets it on the floor. "First of all, there is literally nothing else to do. Second of all, even if there was something super fun going on out there, I'm not going to leave you alone when you might or might not be about to have your baby."

Becca rolls her eyes. "I told you, even if I'm really in labor, it'll be a long time before the baby comes out. When Maggie had her first baby a few years ago, she was in labor for almost three days."

"Still, I'll wait," Ellie says. "How long can it take the guys to get back?"

Five hours later, the sky is looking pretty damn gray, and James still isn't home. Becca alternates between rocking in her chair and pacing the living room, trying to make her back hurt less. When her contractions start hurting so badly she has to stop whatever she's doing to grab something and make scary noises, Ellie gets nervous.

"Can I _please_ go get Leah now?" she asks.

"I'm fine," Becca gasps. "I promise!"

"You don't look fine."

"Leah said she'd check on me at four." Becca's body finally relaxes. "I don't want to bother her before then. There's no way the baby is going to come in the next two hours. Just relax, Ellie. Will you help me set up a bath? Maybe that will help the pain."

They heat pots of water over the fireplace and fill the tub with lukewarm water while they wait for the water to boil. When the water feels warm enough, Becca struggles out of her nightgown. Ellie is dying to find out what pregnant women actually look like naked, but she tries not to stare. She uses the light from the rechargeable lanterns on the counter to take in little glimpses- swollen nipples, squiggly white scars, reddish curls.

Becca seems to do better for a while in the hot water. She chats with Ellie between contractions, even if she can't talk during them. Ellie starts to relax too.

And then, so slowly it sneaks up on Ellie, everything gets worse. Becca's pain keeps getting rougher and rougher, no matter how many pots of water Ellie heats up. And the contractions seem to come faster and stay for longer, making Becca shiver despite the steam coming off of the water.

"I'm here for you," Ellie says, although she feels kind of woozy. "Whatever you need, I've got your back."

"Uh, could I have that bucket on the counter, please?"

Ellie offers the red plastic bucket to Becca, who immediately pukes into it. When she's done, Ellie flushes everything and gets Becca a cup of water.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Ellie asks.

"I don't know." Becca's face seems whiter than usual, but it might be the lighting. "Lots of contractions. Getting worn out."

"Is all that bloody, mucus-y stuff normal?" Ellie asks.

"I don't know!" Becca snaps. "Everything was different last time, and I was too sick to notice. I don't know!"

"Sorry," Ellie says, taking a step back. "Sorry, I'm not trying to bother you."

Becca's shoulders slump, and she takes a deep breath. "Not your fault... It just hurts a lot more than I was expecting."

"Do you want me to get Leah?"

"What time is it?"

"It's like... three, maybe?"

"Oh. Maybe we should wait, then..."

"Becca, I really, really, really don't want the baby to come out while it's just me here."

Becca rolls onto her side in the tub. She's so slender that from the back, Ellie can't even tell she's pregnant.

"I don't know what to do!" Becca says, pressing her forehead to the cool tile. "I'm pretty sure my water broke just now, while I was throwing up."

"Jesus! Becca, I'm really freaked out!"

"Yeah, me too-ooo-oooh!" Becca groans, suddenly grabbing her stomach. "Okay, get Leah. Get Leah! Please, Ellie, go get Leah!"

"I'm going!" Ellie says with a little sigh of relief. "I won't be long, okay? Don't die or have the baby or anything while I'm-"

"Go!" Becca blows out another pained breath. "Go, go, go!"

Ellie closes the bathroom door and runs for the front door. She freezes with her hand on the door handle when she hears a familiar clucking, rattling sound outside.

"Oh _shit_," she whispers. She drops into a crouch and listens into the world on the other side of the door, the way Joel taught her.

There are a lot of clickers, maybe two dozen. Ellie is afraid to breathe. Outside, she hears a woman screaming and a baby crying. Ellie's stomach churns. She sneaks to the window and peeks out. The clickers are running around, and Ellie is pretty sure she has no shot at getting to Leah's house, much less getting the two of them back. Becca cries out from the bathroom, and the clickers seem to wander a little closer to the house. Ellie silently locks the front door and then sneaks back to Becca.

"Becca," Ellie whispers, closing the bathroom door softly. "Don't freak out, but there are about twenty clickers outside."

"No, no, no!" Becca murmurs. "There can't be clickers outside. Not right now... oh, Jesus, please help us..."

"What should I do? Do you want me to fight them to get to Leah?"

Becca looks at Ellie like she's crazy. "No," she says. "We'll just be very, very quiet, and eventually they'll move on."

"Are you gonna be able to keep quiet?" Ellie asks.

"Bring me a towel," Becca says. "A little one."

Ellie hands her a small towel, and Becca stuffs it into her mouth. She makes a muffled sound that Ellie can barely hear. The contraction lasts a really long time to Ellie. When it's over, Becca takes the towel out and lays it on her stomach.

"Did you lock all the doors?" she asks.

"Just the front door."

"Go lock the back one too," Becca orders softly. "But be as quiet as you possibly can, Ellie."

Ellie leaves to do as Becca told her. When she returns, Becca is wiping tears away with one hand and holding the side of the tub so tightly that the other is turning white. Ellie closes the bathroom door and sits on the rug next to the tub.

"Ellie, what if those clickers eat James when he's on his way home?" Becca whispers.

"They won't," Ellie says. "I've fought clickers with David and James before, remember? They're both really good at fighting, and they're good at knowing when to run the fuck away from a bad situation. They'll be fine."

Becca sniffles, and tears drip down her face despite Ellie's assurance. "This was supposed to be such a happy thing," she sobs into her hand. "I thought James would be here, and I stupidly, foolishly thought it would be only a little more painful than my vague memories of the last time. Ellie, I can't do this without Leah and James. It hurts so much, and I'm so, so incredibly tired..."

Ellie hugs Becca, ignoring the nakedness. She rubs Becca's bony back and kisses her cheek. "It's still going to be happy," she promises. "Just chill here in the bath tub and try not to make too much noise, and James will kill those stupid fucking clickers for you and get here in time to hold your hand while you have the baby. It'll be heroic and romantic and shit, like those books you're always reading. Just pretend like you're in a book. That's what I do when I'm more stressed out than I can handle."

Becca grabs the towel and stuffs it in her mouth again. Her hands grip Ellie's arm like she's about to fall off a huge cliff and Ellie is the only thing she can grab. Ellie can feel Becca's rock-solid belly underneath her arm. When it relaxes a little, so does Becca's grasp.

"He's probably dead," Becca sniffs, and she can't quite stifle the noise that comes out of her throat right afterwards.

"Okay, first of all, I _really_ doubt that," Ellie says. "Like I said, he's a good fighter and a great runner, so he's probably better off out there than we are stuck in here. Second of all, so what if he is dead? People die all the time. It sucks, you cry, and then you move on."

"I can't do this without him," Becca weeps. "I can't have a baby without him here, let alone raise a baby without him!"

"That's bullshit," Ellie whispers. "You're doing awesome so far, and he's not even here. And what are you gonna do if he really never does come back? Lie down in a ditch and wait for the clickers to eat you? No! You're already a badass mom! You're being super quiet even though you're in a lot of pain, just so you can keep your baby safe, right? So I know you're gonna take amazing care of this baby, and you're gonna find a safe place to raise them, and everything is gonna work out totally fine."

Becca cries so hard she can't catch her breath. "No... I can't... I really can't do it... I can't..."

"Okay, fine," Ellie says. "You can't do it. James is definitely dead, and you and me are about to be dinner. But guess what?"

"What?"

"Ready or not, you get to hold your little baby soon."

Becca stops crying, and her forehead becomes a little less wrinkled and frowny. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. You'll get to hold it and kiss all over it and find out if it's a girl or a boy. You think it's hair will be the same color as yours?"

Becca laughs through her tears. "I think so. I don't know much about genetics, but I think-"

Another contraction takes control of her just then. Ellie helps her stuff the towel in her mouth and then holds her hands while they wait for it to pass. When it's finally over, Becca rests her sweaty head against the tiled wall and tries to catch her breath.

"I don't think I'm going to be able to hold on much longer," she says. "I'm sorry, Ellie, but you may have to help me deliver this baby."

"What?!" Ellie feels like she's going to barf and pass out at the same time. "I don't know the first thing about this shit!"

"I know," Becca says. "But I don't think we have a lot of time, so listen up, okay?"

She tries to explain, around her contractions, what she needs Ellie to do. Ellie is too busy panicking to listen, so she just swears loudly inside her own head and nods at the appropriate pauses. Becca barely has enough time between contractions to get out more than one sentence, so she doesn't seem to notice that Ellie checked out.

After a particularly rough contraction, Becca spits out the washcloth and takes a drink of water from her cup. "I'm ready to die," she says. "I'm not even joking, Ellie. Do you think I'm supposed to push now?"

"No, I feel like you definitely shouldn't do that!" Ellie whispers back frantically. "A screaming baby sounds like a great way to draw every clicker for miles around to this house!"

"You're right, you're right," Becca says. "That doesn't sound too bad right now, though. Lord, please help us."

Ellie doesn't think God has much interest in two random women, if he exists, but she doesn't say anything. She just rubs Becca's back and stomach whenever Becca rolls the right way. All Ellie can think about is how unqualified she is to deliver a baby, given that she's apparently still clueless about how they get made.

Becca slides around in the bathtub for ages, trying to find a comfortable way to lie. She huffs and pants, shoving her makeshift gag in when necessary. She eventually sits straight up with her back against the tub, her knees drawn up close to her chest. Her stomach is heaving, sort of like Mama Cat's.

"Oh God, I have to push!" Becca cries in a hoarse whisper. "I can't stop it! It's coming out on its own and I have to push!"

"Okay." Ellie pulls out her knife and gun and sets both on the bathroom floor. "Do what you have to do, and I won't let anything hurt you. I promise, Becca. Push!"

Becca's nails dig into Ellie's arm, and her screams trickle through the washcloth. After a few contractions, she flings the washcloth onto the floor and releases Ellie's arm.

"Shit," she gasps. "Shit, Ellie, help-"

Her hands plunge under the water, between her legs. Ellie looks down and almost faints. Something round and purple is bulging out of Becca. Her skin is pulled taut around it, the red curls parting like the red sea.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck!" Ellie holds her hands up, trying to get them as far away as possible from whatever's happening down there. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

"Ellie!" Becca grunts through her teeth, her entire body rigid. "Help me, dammit!"

Ellie takes a deep breath and then thrusts her hands into the warm water. "What am I doing?" she asks frantically. "Becca? What do I do?"

"Catch!" Becca blows out a deep breath and then sucks in another one, every muscle in her body tightening up. "Don't- don't pull! Just catch!"

"Okay," Ellie says, mostly to herself. "Okay, I've got this. Don't pull. Just catch. Don't pull-"

The whole head emerges, and Becca cradles it in her hands with a little sob. "Check his neck," she chokes out. "Check for the cord!"

His neck is still inside Becca, so Ellie grits her teeth and sticks fingers up into her friend. Everything is hot and slimy, but she slides her fingers around until she feels something sitting under the tiny chin.

"I think I feel it," she says. "What do I do?"

"Pull it over the head," Becca gasps. "Gently, gently! Don't tear it!"

Ellie pries the cord down, sweat dripping down her face and her back and her legs. As Becca pushes again, Ellie manages to slip the greyish-looking noose over the scrunched up face.

"It's clear," she says, nearly collapsing in relief. "It's good. You can keep pushing."

"Oh, God, please help me!" Becca pleads, and then stuffs her mouth with the cloth again. She grabs her knees and pushes.

Ellie holds the head in both of her hands, terrified to grasp it in case she accidentally pulls on it. All of a sudden, a cloud of bright red blood mushrooms out into the water, and a huge glob of shiny, grey-and-pink raw meat drops into Ellie's hands. Ellie fumbles with the baby, trying to pull it out of the water before it drowns. She doesn't realize how stupid that thought is until she's laying the glob on Becca and staring at the blood-streaked cord connecting the two of them. The baby isn't even breathing, so it sure as hell isn't going to be drowning any time soon.

"My baby," Becca weeps. She kisses it on the head, completely oblivious to all the blood and nasty white stuff on it. "My baby, my precious baby. Oh, God..."

The baby squalls, startling Ellie. She wipes her hands on her damp jeans and grabs her knife and gun. She tries to listen for clickers.

Becca shoves her nipple into the baby's mouth, and it quiets after a few softer cries. Ellie presses her ear to the door and listens. She doesn't hear any chaos out there- no wood breaking or clickers going crazy in the house.

"I'm going to check the house," Ellie whispers.

Becca nods, her eyes never leaving her baby. Ellie creeps through the house, expecting to find a frantic clicker around every corner, but the doors and windows are all secure. There aren't even any clickers clawing at the house. The kittens are all sleeping or nursing, just like Becca's baby. Ellie tucks her gun back into her jeans and returns to the bathroom.

Becca is lying in the tub with her eyes closed and a smile on her face. The baby is sucking away at its mother's breast. The whole thing reminds Ellie of mosquitos. She shudders as she locks the bathroom door and then lays a dry towel over Becca and the baby.

"Are the clickers coming?" Becca whispers.

Ellie shakes her head. "I don't think so."

Becca cradles her baby in both arms, tucking the towel under its feet. She stares down at it with both tears and a huge smile on her face.

"I can't get over how beautiful she is," Becca says. "A beautiful, tiny little girl. And I did it without James or Leah! Go me."

"Yeah! See?" Ellie hugs her neck. "You did so awesome, Becca. I knew you could do it."

"You too!" Becca squeezes her with one arm and kisses Ellie's face a few times. "You were amazing, too. So proud of you."

Ellie sits next to the tub and watches Becca figure out nursing. "Was it worth it?" she asks.

"It was so worth it," Becca says. "I wasn't sure for a while, but... yes, it was totally worth it."

"What about for someone who would rather have a cat than a baby? You think it would still be worth it?"

Becca looks at Ellie, and her smile fades. "No," she says. "It wouldn't be worth it for you. Not right now. Go get those pages from the Atlas, Ellie. And my Bible and a pen, if you can."

Ellie creeps to the bookshelf and tears the Wyoming and Colorado pages from the Atlas. She puts it right back where it was and then folds the torn pages and tucks them into her pocket. Becca's Bible is on the nightstand, and an old ballpoint pen is next to it. When Ellie returns to the bathroom, Becca is patting the sleeping baby's back.

"Aw," Ellie whispers. "She wore herself out, huh?"

"Babies sleep a lot," Becca says. "Okay, first thing's first. Let me write the baby's name in the Bible so James can't bully me into changing it."

"What are you naming her?"

"Elizabeth Nicole Culver."

"You're naming your baby after me?" Ellie asks. "For real?"

"I don't have much of a choice." Becca pens in the name in her perfect handwriting. "My favorite character has the same name as my best friend, who coincidentally also delivered my baby. I think it was meant to be."

"This is so cool! I've never had anything named after me before. What's the Nicole part for?"

"It was my sister's middle name," Becca says. "James and I wouldn't have made it without her. We've been so blessed... And I'm really glad you were here for it, Ellie."

"Give me a few weeks, and I'll probably be glad too," Ellie says. "I mean, I'm super glad you weren't alone! Right now, though, I just wish Leah could have been the one to get stuck with you."

Becca laughs and then grabs the side of the tub. "Okay, don't freak out, Ellie, but I think-"

"Jesus Christ!" Ellie hisses. "It's like your organs are falling out! Oh my God, there's so much fucking blood..."

"It's just the placenta," Becca says.

"I know, but-" Ellie gags. She barely manages to turn around in time to puke into the toilet. She hasn't eaten much, since she's been locked in the bathroom with Becca for... hours, she guesses, so it's mostly stomach acid that comes up. She dry-heaves a few times before her body settles down. She drinks water from Becca's cup to clean her mouth.

"You ready to get out of here?" Becca asks.

Ellie nods.

"There should be some sleeping pills in the cabinet. Put the whole bottle in your backpack."

Ellie finds the bottle of pills and tucks it into the very bottom of her bag. "What am I using them for?"

"If David and the others do come back, I don't want you to leave until late tonight. I want you to grind up two of those sleeping tablets and stir them into David's food tonight, okay?"

Ellie nods.

"You feed your horse right after dinner, you put anything you can't bear to part with in your backpack, and then you get into bed with David. Have sex with him or don't, but you make sure he's good and asleep before you try to sneak out. Walk Callus to the south gate and then sneak the two of you out through that old store. Once you're out of sight, you ride as hard as you can and don't stop until you're back with your friends. Do you understand?"

"Yeah," Ellie says. Her throat feels tight, and she can taste tears. "I kind of don't want to leave now, though."

"Nope," Becca rests her head against the wall. "Too bad. You're supposed to be out saving the world, not willingly serving as David's sexy little breeding slave. You're not meant for that, Ellie."

The blood is still gushing out into the water, which is getting progressively thicker and redder. Ellie feels nauseated again looking at it.

"Becca, when are you supposed to stop bleeding? Is there supposed to be this much?"

"I don't know," Becca says sleepily. "It probably should have slowed down by now. I don't feel very well."

"What should I do? How do I stop the bleeding?"

"I don't know," Becca says. "Leah would know."

"Maybe the clickers are gone," Ellie says. "Maybe I can sneak past them."

"No," Becca says, giving Ellie as stern a look as she can manage. "You're not risking your life for me like that. I knew there was a good chance I'd have problems. That's why I was so afraid to call Leah over in the first place, in case I had to admit things were really happening. I'm just so lucky that I finally got to hold my baby."

Ellie grabs a towel. "Where's the blood coming from? Will it stop if I press on it long enough?"

Becca smirks. "Yeah, I don't think you're going to be able to reach up that high. It's okay, Ellie. This is good timing."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Ellie demands.

"Promise me that if I die, you'll eat my meat tonight."

"What the fuck?! No!"

"It will be like a holy communion. It'll nourish you for your trip. And most importantly, David will think you're on his side."

"Don't talk like that," Ellie says. "I'm not eating you while you're alive, silly, and you're gonna survive and be totally fine."

Becca's lips are almost as white as her face. "Sorry," she says. "I always was a lot like my sister. Tell James... tell him I'm really sorry for the... the visual..."

"Becca?" Ellie pats her face. "Stay with me, Becca. Is there any medicine I can give you to make you stop bleeding?"

"No. Will you please... will you promise to eat my flesh once I'm gone?"

"No! Fuck, Becca, just-"

"I'm not going to make it," Becca says, patting the baby's back again. She seems to come back to herself, just for a minute. "But you will make it, and so will she. You're going to make the world a better place for everyone, and that's so amazing. Maybe little Lizzie will grow up in a world without the infection. But you know what? Even if you don't make it to Salt Lake City- even if you stay with those friends of yours in Wyoming or something- you deserve to be free and happy. You hear me, Ellie? You deserve to find people who take good care of you and call you family. You're like the little sister I always wanted, and I'm so happy I got to know you. But now I'm headed to somewhere better, and you have to do the same thing, except you can't come with me. You need to go somewhere where there are real doctors. I don't want you to die like this. You're way too young and full of life. Promise me?"

Ellie's eyes start leaking, and she throws her arms around Becca as a sob slips out. "Okay, fine!" she says into Becca's neck. "I'll eat your stupid fucking meat like a stupid fucking cannibal so I can get back to stupid fucking Wyoming!"

"Good." Becca touches Ellie's shoulder. "Leave the baby with James. Leah will help him take care of her. And then... do you remember the plan?"

"Yeah," Ellie sniffs to keep snot from dripping on Becca. "Sleeping pill. Feed Callus. Go to bed with David. South wall. Ride super fast to Tommy and Maria."

"There you go," Becca says. "Smart girl. You've got this. Will you cut the cord now? It should be safe."

Ellie uses her knife to slice through the gelatinous lifeline, and baby Lizzie doesn't even stir.

"If she fusses..." Becca starts, and then seems to drift off for a minute. She wakes with a little start a few minutes later, tightening her grip on the baby. "Don't let her drown, Ellie! Can you- can you... the water?"

Ellie sticks her arm into the bloody water and pulls the plug out. The water chugs down the drian, leaving a trail of blood and clots and the big, meaty hunk of placenta along the bottom of the tub. Ellie misses the normal viscera and brains she's used to dealing with.

"If she fusses," Becca finally continues, "wrap her up good and bounce her a little. Keep her safe from clickers."

"I will," Ellie promises. "I'll take really good care of her for you."

Becca starts shivering, so Ellie covers her up with more towels. When baby Lizzie gives a little whine, Ellie swaddles her tightly and paces around the tiny room with her. The baby pees all over the towel and Ellie's arm, so Ellie tosses the towel in a corner and wraps the baby in a new one. Once Lizzie falls asleep again, Ellie rests her back in Becca's arms and then hugs her knees next to the tub.

With the baby sleeping and Becca either passed out or dead, Ellie finally lets herself cry like a bitch until she hears gunshots.


	15. Chapter 15

By the time James bursts into the bathroom, Ellie has cried herself dry. She jumps onto her feet and backs out of the way for him. James still manages to bump into her as he passes by.

"Becca!" His face goes nearly as white as Becca's. "Oh, Jesus! Becca?"

Becca's eyes flutter open for just a second, and her lips move, but Ellie can't hear what she says. James drops onto his knees and kisses her, one hand on the baby's back. Ellie turns around to give them privacy.

David is standing in the doorway, slinging his rifle onto his back. He's got blood on his clothes, but then so does she. He holds out his arms, and Ellie runs straight into his hug.

"I didn't know what to do," she says into his chest. "The clickers were fucking everywhere, and the blood wouldn't stop-"

"It's okay, Ellie." David rubs her back. "It's okay."

Ellie pulls back enough to glare up at him. "No, it's fucking not okay! Becca is fucking dying!"

Baby Lizzie starts screaming at that, and James makes a noise that sounds almost like crying.

"Let's get you home," David says. "James, will you be okay for a while? I'll come back and take care of things as soon as I get Ellie settled in at the house."

"I'll be fine," James says in a cold voice. He cradles the baby and kisses its forehead. He turns his back on them, but Ellie can still see his shoulders start shaking.

David puts his arm around Ellie's shoulder and guides her through the bedroom. He stops to pick up the crate of cats in the living room, and then he leads Ellie home. The charred and bullet-riddled bodies of clickers lie all over the street, and Ellie has to step over a few of them.

"What a terrible way to go," David remarks as he steps over a burnt corpse. "I can't imagine anything worse than being burned alive. But it was them or you, and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. Forgive 'em, Lord..."

"Hey, how common is it for women to die when they have a baby?" Ellie asks abruptly. "Does it happen a lot, or am I just a bad luck charm or something?"

"You're not a bad luck charm," David says. "Childbirth is dangerous work. It's a woman's most important job, especially during these times of tribulation, but it's at least as dangerous as being out there with the clickers."

"I'm never fucking doing that," Ellie says. "I'd rather slit my wrists and get it over with."

"You're young," David says. "And you're upset right now. You'll change your mind."

"Have you ever seen a baby being born?" Ellie snaps. "It's really fucking traumatizing, even if you want one! There was so much fucking blood. And apparently people die all the fucking time from giving birth. No, I'll pass."

"The Bible tells us to go forth and multiply," David says. "Every animal's purpose in life is to create and take care of the next generation."

"Well, I don't give a fuck what God wants, and I give even less of a fuck about the next generation." Ellie folds her arms and steps over a clicker. "My generation is already pretty fucked. All I care about is-"

Something grabs her ankle, and she falls forward onto her hands and knees with a torrent of cussing. She tries to kick off the clicker as she fumbles for her gun. David is still faster, despite having to put down the box of cats to grab his rifle. He shoots the fucker right in its mushroom head. Mama Cat hisses at the gunshot and runs out of the box, leaving the babies behind. Ellie collapses on her back in the middle of the street and stares up at the overcast, dusky sky while her heart rate goes back down.

"Stop being dramatic," David says. "Get up and let's go inside."

He offers her his hand, and she reluctantly uses it to pull herself up. Once they're inside his house, Ellie lies on the couch, curled up into a ball. David sets the kittens down on the floor in front of her and then sits on the couch near her feet. He rubs his hand over the outside of her leg, and Ellie tries not to be comforted by it. She doesn't really succeed.

"You thinking about Becca?" David asks after a while.

"She's the second person I've watched bleed the fuck to death since November," Ellie says. "People keep dying because of me. I just want to get to Salt Lake City so I can finally do something good for people."

"We'll get there," David assures her. "As soon as things calm down from this attack, we'll head out. I promise."

"Yeah, sure," Ellie says, remembering Becca's words. "Whatever you say."

Mama Cat meows at the door. David sighs and stands up. He opens the front door, and Mama Cat scurries in and climbs into the box with her babies.

"I need to go help James," David says, standing at the door. "Are you going to be okay by yourself?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine," Ellie says.

"I'll be back before too long," David says. "Don't run off anywhere. There could still be clickers around."

Ellie thinks about running away then, but Becca explicitly said to wait until night. Becca's advice is probably right. She won't have enough of a head start if she leaves now- maybe two hours, at the most. She sighs, and David closes the door and clomps down the wooden stairs.

Ellie jumps up and runs out the front door a few seconds later. David turns around in surprise.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Yeah," she says. "I just wanted to know- are you going to, um..." She walks barefoot down the stairs so she doesn't have to shout it. "Are you guys going to cook Becca's body?"

David hesitates. "Now, Ellie... don't get upset. It's what she's always wanted us to do if anything happened to her."

"I know," Ellie says. "She told me that, too. I was just going to ask if you could, could bring me some?"

"You sure about that?" David gives her a weird look.

"Yeah," Ellie says, trying to keep her heart from beating too fast and giving away her lies. "Me and Becca, we talked about it before you guys got there. We talked about a lot of stuff. She wanted her death to mean something, and she figured I needed the nourishment, so she wanted me to do it. And she really wanted me to feel like I belonged somewhere, and apparently I need to join you guys in eating another human for that to happen, so... I promised her I would."

"I see," David says. "Well, I agree that you could use the nourishment. Get yourself cleaned up, and I'll be back for you an an hour or two."

Ellie nods and goes back in the house. She takes advantage of his absence and packs her backpack full of everything she wants to take with her, and then she zips it up and shoves it under her bed. When David comes back, Ellie is wearing her clean pair of jeans and her least hole-y button-up shirt and jacket. David changes his clothes and then takes her to the old chapel, with its boarded-up stained glass windows and its rickety pews.

There's a table set up with chairs and a clean white tablecloth. A bunch of candles flicker on it like little stars. There are places set up at each chair, the way Ellie's only really seen in pictures: cloth napkins, glass cups, real silverware, breakable plates. A large silver tray in the middle of the table has plenty of thinly-sliced meat decorated with early spring vegetables.

A few other people wander in. Ellie recognizes Leah and one of the mothers from earlier- Maggie, she thinks. The rest are men that Ellie's seen around but couldn't name if her life depended on it. They all sit down around the table, being real quiet and looking real sad. Ellie wonders if they were all good friends with Becca or if they know James better.

James eventually stands up, still holding the baby. "Thanks for coming, everyone. I'm not sure how to start, but I guess... My sister was my favorite person in the whole world. We saw hell from a young age, but all the bad things we went through only made Becca sweeter. She loved to read and daydream. She wanted to be a mom even before the pestilence. I'm glad she got to live her dream, even if it was only for a few hours. And, um..." He clears his throat. "Becca really liked this dish, so that's why we're serving it. It would make her really happy to see us all enjoying the meal, getting our strength back from it. She would be so pleased to know that her death- that it wasn't- it wasn't for nothing."

He sits down in his chair, staring down at his baby to hide his emotion. David grasps him by the shoulder and squeezes. James wipes his nose with his thumb and index finger.

"Let's pray," David says.

Everyone bows their head, including Ellie.

"Lord, thank you for our time with Becca. We would've liked a lot more of it, but you know best. Thank you for allowing her to fulfill her duty and give James this beautiful child. We ask that you nourish our bodies with this food, and that you pass our thanks along to Becca for us. Please use this meal to make the rest of us more fruitful so we can multiply as you've commanded us. In Jesus' name..."

Everyone says "amen" at the same time, except for Ellie, who apparently missed the memo.

David passes around around a dusty bottle of wine, pouring a little less in Ellie's glass. While the bottle is going around the table, he picks up a shiny metal serving fork and places a small portion of the dark meat on Ellie's plate. He serves himself a larger portion and then passes the platter.

"Go ahead and try eating that much." David leans in close to Ellie so he can whisper. "If you think you're going to be sick, you need to go outside and close the door behind you. You got it?"

Ellie nods and stares at the plate, trying not to get too overwhelmed. She eats all the vegetables first, and then she takes a big gulp of wine. She uses her fancy knife to cut each piece into tiny bites. She feels like everyone is staring at her, waiting for her to take a bite. With a deep breath, she forces herself not to think about what type of meat it is and takes a bite. She chews. She swallows. She doesn't puke all over everything. She takes another bite. It tastes kind of like pork, she thinks, or maybe beef. It's hard to tell- she hasn't had a whole lot of opportunity to try either animal.

After a few bites, she realizes that she's really hungry. She eats everything on her plate and nods when David asks if she'd like more. As soon as her stomach is full, she regrets it and feels like making herself barf. But that would be totally disrespectful to Becca and her memory and her last wishes. Ellie takes another deep breath, another deep sip of wine, and forces herself to stay calm. David, maybe sensing her anxiety, puts his hand on the back of her neck and massages it. It feels amazing and also kind of awful, but either way, Ellie feels less like barfing.

After dinner, Ellie manages to catch James as he passes by.

"James, I'm really, really sorry about Becca," she says. "I tried really hard to save her."

"I know." James seems too numb to feel angry at her. "I know you did your best. I'm really glad you were there with her. She liked having you around."

That almost makes Ellie cry, so she quickly looks down at her empty plate and tries not to let her tear ducts or her queasy stomach ruin Becca's really nice service. David takes her hand in both of his and rubs it.

"You did good," he says. "All day, actually. You did real good, Ellie."

"Thanks," she says.

It isn't until they get home that Ellie realizes in a panic that she didn't put the sleeping medicine in David's food. She cobbles together weak hot chocolate from the stuff Becca gave her last week. While David is in the shower, Ellie quickly and silently grinds two of the sleeping pills into a powder that she stirs into his hot chocolate. She finishes stirring it right as he comes out of the bathroom.

"Thanks, Ellie," he says, taking the chipped black mug from her. He sits down next to her on the sofa and looks at the fire for a while, holding his untouched cocoa in his hand. "I used to love hot chocolate. Drank it all the time, even when it was technically summer. My sister, now, she was all about the hot apple cider. Lord, do I miss her sometimes."

Ellie tries to make her heart slow down so he doesn't hear it. David eventually takes a sip, and then another, and then another. Ellie drinks her hot cocoa so that she has just a little more than him in her cup at all times, so he doesn't stop drinking it just because she's finished. He finally drinks it all and sets his empty cup on the coffee table.

"I feel a lot better after that shower and hot chocolate," David says. "How about you, Ellie?" He reaches under her shirt, rubbing his calloused fingers over her sore nipples.

"Dude, I'm not really in the mood," Ellie says, trying to shove his arm away. "We just went to my best friend's funeral slash barbecue."

"We have to celebrate life," David says. "Enjoy it while we're alive."

He kisses behind her ear and unbuttons her jeans. She puts her hands on his, but she doesn't try to stop him. She's not sure she could if she tried to. He knows all her vulnerable, sensitive spots, and as sad and nervous as she is, she can't help wanting more. She remembers Becca's instructions, about convincing David she's on his side and potentially having sex with him tonight, and she feels absolved of having to tell him no.

"Okay," she says. "Fuck me like it's the last chance you'll ever get. I mean, don't do anything that will guarantee it's the last chance you ever get, like try to stick something up my ass, but otherwise, fuck me like there's no tomorrow."

"Oh, Ellie," he murmurs into her neck. "God, I love you. Come here, stand up."

Once she's standing in front of the wall, he pulls her jeans down her legs and her shirt over her head. His lips smooch all over her, paying close attention to her lower belly. Maybe it's her imagination, but she feels like her stomach is rounder than it was a few days ago. She shuts that part of her brain down and focuses on enjoying the experience. For all his creepiness, David has always taken a lot of pride in pleasuring and taking care of Ellie. She's kind of gonna miss that about him, once she's gone.

He gets down on his knees, still kissing her. Two fingers slide down the back of Ellie's thigh. They pause at her knee and force her leg to fold up, until she's tucking her knee in near her waist. She leans back against the wall and holds onto his hair for balance. He buries his face in her pussy, and his tongue feels so good that she accidentally bangs the back of her head on the wall.

"Oh, shit," she says. "Fuck! Oh, David, wow, that feels good..."

He licks her until her leg is shaking too much to support her weight. As he stands back up, he takes her other leg with him, making Ellie yelp and wrap her arms around his neck to keep from flying backwards. He sandwiches her between his body and the wall, her legs spread open. She hugs them around his waist to keep from falling.

"I like the way your face gets all pink when you're turned on," he says.

He kisses all over her hot face and neck. One of his hands supports her ass while the other pulls her head back by the ponytail, his fingers digging into the place under the ponytail that's still wet from her shower.

"I love you so much, Ellie," he says into her ear. "I'm so lucky to have you."

She wants to hate him, but he knows all the magic places on her body to kiss and lick and caress. After several minutes of trying to pretend like he can't affect her, her back arches off the wall, and she moans his name right into his ear without meaning to.

As the bliss wears off, though, she remembers what Becca said about David telling everyone that she always lets him come inside her. That knocks the pleasure right out of her. She waits for him to finish, because she doesn't want to get dropped on her head, but as soon as he sets her down, she grabs her clothes and goes to the bathroom for another shower.

David is lying in bed when Ellie comes out of the bathroom. She climbs in next to him so she can tell if he's really asleep or not.

"Ellie?" He puts his arm over her. "I figured you'd be sleeping in your own bed. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Ellie says. "Lonely. I miss Becca."

"Me too." David pulls her closer. "Let me hold you, pretty girl." He kisses her cheek, right next to her ear, and his beard makes her itch.

"My mom died right after I was born, too," Ellie says. "I don't know if she was infected, or if she bled to death, or what, but that's how I ended up an orphan. I don't want to end up like Becca and my mom."

"That's not something you have to worry about tonight," David says. "And even if it was, there's nothing you can fix by worrying about it. You have to trust in God more, Ellie."

"I will when he gives me a reason to," Ellie mutters.

"Now don't say that." He yawns and runs his fingers through her wet hair. "I'd love to talk about this more with you, but I'm awfully tired from all that fighting earlier. Let's pick back up in the morning, okay?"

"Okay," Ellie says, feeling a little guilty. "Sleep tight."

David is already snoring softly.


	16. Chapter 16

Ellie waits a couple of hours before sneaking out to Callus. She tells herself it's because she wants to make sure David is good and asleep. It's not like that _isn't_ a concern, but she spends most of the time rehashing her escape route and working out whether or not she should leave a note.

Around midnight, she sneaks out of bed. David doesn't stir. Ellie rifles through his desk and finds a scrap of paper. She uses a dull pencil to scrawl a message.

_"David,_  
_ Thanks for taking care of me. I wish I could actually say goodbye, but I'm scared if I don't go now, I won't go at all. I have to go save the world, and you have to stay and save your town. I can't ask you to leave them for me. I swear I'll be okay on my own. Thanks for teaching me so much, and have a good life. Maybe I'll be able to come back after we make the vaccine._  
_ XOXO,_  
_ -Ellie"_

She signs her name in cursive. She's not sure what "XOXO" means, but it was how everyone always signed their letters at school. She lays the note on her pillow, grabs her backpack, and slips out the back door.

Everyone is inside their homes except for the people on guard duty. Ellie's done enough guard duty to know where and when they'll be, so they're easy to avoid. She saddles Callus and leads him out of the stable. She's lucky that the snow is melted and that Callus is mostly as dark as the rest of the night. They sneak out through the old store, like Becca said, and then they hurry into the woods before the patrol can notice them. Ellie hops onto Callus' back as soon as they're hidden by the trees.

They ride northwest as much as possible, following the roads Becca marked whenever they're not blocked by clickers or cars or fallen trees. Ellie dozes a little on Callus once they get to a secluded patch of highway, keeping her ears open for trouble. When she wakes up, the sun is hot on the back of her neck. She pulls Callus to the side of the road and hops off for a nature break.

As Ellie pees, she glances up at the sun, which is hanging sort of in the direction she came from. David is probably awake by now. Assuming he woke up at his normal time, he's probably been awake for five or six hours. But maybe he slept in today. Maybe he just woke up a few minutes ago. Either way, he probably assumed Ellie climbed back into her bed during the night and didn't think anything else about it. He probably got dressed and made breakfast for Ellie and took it to her room where he would have found the empty bed and the note on the pillow. Jesus, what a shitty way for her to leave. Ellie splashes water on herself and then pulls her jeans back up. There's no point in feeling guilty about it now. It's not like she can change anything.

Callus is grazing on some grass where Ellie left him. She pets his face for a minute, bracing herself for another long ride. "You ready to go, boy?" she asks. "I know, it sucks to ride so much after we got out of practice. But aren't you excited to see your old friends again?"

Callus rubs his head up against her whole arm. Ellie sighs and hops back on him. "Okay, let's get out of here."

They ride until well after nightfall, with Ellie occasionally hopping off Callus and leading him, when he needs a break. Just as Ellie feels like she's too tired to walk another step, they spot a neighborhood in the distance. It seems pretty clicker-free, so Ellie brings Callus into an empty garage and gives him the tiny bag of feed she brought with her. It should be enough to get them to the dam. Ellie finds a dusty old mattress and a raggedy blanket in one of the bedrooms upstairs. It's kind of gross, but it's a safe place to crash. She kicks off her shoes and jeans and falls into bed, using her backpack like a pillow.

When she wakes up, the window is glowing with sun. She yawns, rubs her eyes, and sits up. An assortment of fuzzy weights fall from her chest and shoulders onto the mattress.

"Shit!" Ellie scrambles out from under the blanket. She grabs her jeans and jumps into them, looking for her shoes as she hops around on the squeaky floor. "What the fuck?!"

It's probably rats. Rats have probably been fucking nesting in her blanket while she slept. Whatever they are, though, they don't move. Ellie slips on her shoes and cautiously approaches the bed. Little bundles of black and white fur are sprawled out on the blanket. Ellie pokes one with her foot, the one that's more black than white. It doesn't even twitch. She gingerly picks it up, already regretting the decision.

Sure enough, it's the eight-day-old kitten that Becca liked so much. It's cold, and it feels like its neck is broken.

"Holy shit." Ellie drops it on the mattress and checks the other furballs. All seven of her kittens are there. All seven have broken necks. Ellie isn't sure how long they've been dead, much less how long they've been resting on her sleeping body. She shudders.

"Jesus Christ," she mutters. "Who the fuck would do this?"

She already knows, honestly, but the shred of paper on top of her backpack makes her whole body go cold. Ellie snatches it up before she can chicken out. It just says, _"XOXO, David."_

"Jesus!" She drops the scrap of paper on the floor and yanks her backpack into her arms. How the fuck did he find her so fast? She holds her knife in one hand and her gun in the other as she creaks down the stairs. The house seems to be empty, but Ellie isn't taking any chances. She opens the garage door, hops onto Callus, and rides away from the fucking place as fast as possible.

She notices at her next stop that the atlas pages are missing from her jean pockets. Ellie swears up a storm. David now knows exactly where she's going and how she's planning on getting there. She takes a couple of different roads than she'd planned to, but none of them are as clear and safe as the ones Becca picked out. After a close brush with clickers, Ellie decides to stick with the roads she can remember. She pushes Callus hard the whole day and then well into that night. He finally stops cold after crossing a creek and refuses to move anymore, so Ellie leads him the rest of the way. Her legs feel jiggly from exhaustion and anxiety, and she jumps every time she hears a twig snap in the forest. Thanks to the moonlight overhead, she eventually recognizes the trees and signs around Snake River.

"Come _on_, Callus," she urges him. "David is gonna turn us into dinner if you don't move. Hurry, dude! We're so close. It would literally be the stupidest thing ever if we got killed here. Move, buddy!"

Callus drags behind for a while, but then he sniffs the air and seems to perk up. With a little neigh, he trots a little faster behind Ellie. She trudges as quick as she can over the uneven dirt and roots, and eventually she stumbles onto a tiny waterfall that looks straight down at the area near the dam. It's an actual town now, fortified with an electric fence and shit like that. Most of the houses are dark, but the spotlights light up enough of the town for Ellie to get excited. Behind the lights, the black sky is just starting to turn blue. She leads Callus down the steep slope, and the two of them stumble up to the gate.

"Who's there?" someone demands. The light shines in Ellie's direction.

"My name is Ellie," she says, stepping into the light. It makes her eyes water, and she forces herself not to cover her face. "I know Tommy and Maria. I came to bring back their horse. Can I come in?"

"You know her?" a different voice asks.

"Yeah, I recognize her," says the first guy. "Let her in. I'll go wake up Maria."

The gate slides open, and Ellie yanks Callus inside. As the gate seals shut again, she collapses in relief in the dirt. She made it to the dam, and David didn't get her. But maybe that was his plan all along. Maybe he's playing with her like Mama Cat does (did?) with her supper. Ellie yawns. There's no point in worrying about it now. David won't be able to get to her inside the electric fence, and that's all that matters at the moment.


	17. Chapter 17

Hey, I just wanted to let people know about my massive, recently-revamped playlist for this fic. Just go to 8tracks dot com/ivillainess/by-any-means-necessary

Also, I've pretty much finished the entire story, so expect the rest to be uploaded pretty rapidly. I'm just editing it all now (which is still a long process, but not nearly as long as that first draft!). Thanks for reading!

o0o0o

A short guy in a green flannel shirt takes Ellie and Callus through the town. Ellie just follows- at this point, her feet are so blistered they're numb, and her head feels tight from trying to keep her eyes open. They stop in front of a nice little house with smoke coming out of the brick chimney.

"I'm gonna put him with the other horses," the flannel guy says, taking the reins from Ellie.

Ellie pats Callus on the nose.

"Get some rest, buddy," Ellie says. "Say 'hay' to your horse friends for me." She turns to the guy. "Make sure he gets some food and water, okay?"

"Of course," the guy says. "We'll take good care of him."

The front door opens just then, and Maria comes out of the house wearing a pair of cotton pants, a camisole, and an unbuttoned blue plaid shirt that's way too big for her. She strides right up to Ellie and pulls her into a super tight hug without saying a word. Ellie hugs back automatically. Maria cradles the back of Ellie's head and presses Ellie's face against warm skin and pokey collarbones, kind of like how Becca supported baby Lizzie's head. Ellie never realized how creepy David's hugs were until right now, when she's getting hugged without the other person pressing their entire front into hers. Come to think of it, this is one of only a handful of non-David hugs she's ever had in her entire life.

When Maria gets done hugging Ellie, Tommy takes his turn. He's even _less_ creepy at hugging than Maria, leaning forward to keep Ellie from accidentally brushing up against his junk. After the shitty day Ellie's had, she really appreciates it.

"Where's Joel?" Tommy asks.

"He, uh... he died a while ago, at the college," Ellie says. "Is it still okay for me to be here? I can leave pretty soon, but I'm low on supplies and I don't have anywhere else to stay right now-"

"Shush," Tommy says. "You've always got a place here, with or without Joel."

"I second that," Maria says. "How'd you make it back alone? Actually, how'd you survive this past winter? It was brutal here."

"I met a dude who kind of took care of me," Ellie says. "But things soooort of backfired, so I could use a place to hide for a couple of days. I don't think he'll mess with a whole town."

"Stay as long as you need to," Maria says. "I'll tell the men to be extra cautious about who they let in while you're here."

"Thanks," Ellie says. "Man, I hate to be a party pooper, but I'm super tired. Mind if I crash somewhere? I've been traveling since early yesterday morning."

"Yeah, come on in," Maria says. "I'll put you on the couch while I find a place for you to sleep."

Ellie passes out the second her head is on the pillow and her body is cocooned in the spark-y fleece blanket. She wakes up in the early afternoon, still pretty tired but feeling a little less like death. She follows the smell of food to the kitchen, where Maria is stirring a steaming pot on the stove.

"What's for breakfast?" Ellie asks.

"It's a late lunch for the rest of us, but it's oatmeal," Maria says. "You want some? We have wild strawberries and some milk to put on it."

Ellie's hungry anyway, but the strawberries and milk sound extra heavenly. Her mouth waters. "Fuck yeah!" she says. "Just let me wash my face real quick."

Ellie splashes cold water on her face and rubs the sleep out of her eyes. She dries off on a worn towel hanging on the wall. By the time she gets back, Maria is setting food on the table. Ellie sits down and tries not to be too greedy with the strawberries and milk. She takes a bite and sighs happily. Even the plain oatmeal is really fucking good after months of eating mostly squirrel.

"It's so good to see you again," Maria says, pouring milk into her bowl. "I wasn't sure we would."

Ellie swallows her mouthful of milky oatmeal. "Yeah, things got pretty fucked up. I'm surprised I made it back. Where's Tommy?"

"Working," Maria says. "I think it's his way of grieving."

"Oh." Ellie shovels more food in, trying to figure out how working would help. Hunting had mostly just made her colder and more miserable when she was sad about Joel. "I hope he's okay."

"He'll be fine," Maria says. "He just needs some alone time. Now, how about you, Ellie? Are you okay? You said someone was following you and giving you trouble."

"It's probably not a big deal," Ellie assures her. "If he can't get in, he'll probably give up after a few days and go home. He's kind of in charge of the town where I was staying for the winter, so he can't be away too long. And he never hurt me or anything."

"He's just harassing you?"

"Yeah, like, he sort of snuck up on me and put dead cats on me while I was sleeping."

"Jesus," Maria says. "That's equal parts really disturbing and really random. Dead cats?"

"They were my pets while I was staying with him."

"Oh." Maria's eyes turn fierce. "He's that kind of guy, huh? Well, don't worry, kiddo. You'll be safe inside the wall."

"I know," Ellie says. "I just hope he goes away by the time I head to Salt Lake City."

"What's in Salt Lake City?"

"The Fireflies," Ellie says. "See, we got to the college, but the Fireflies were gone. They left shit behind saying they were going to St. Mary's Hospital in Salt Lake City. But then Joel got hurt real bad while we were trying to leave the building. By the time I got his body buried and everything, it was snowing pretty hardcore and Callus and I had to take shelter for a while."

"Callus?"

"The horse," Ellie says. "Oh, right. I forgot he probably has a different name here."

"Callus is fine," Maria says. "Kind of an odd choice, but fine. Anyway, go on."

"We hung out in an abandoned house for, like, two weeks," Ellie says. "It was super cold, and Callus ran out of food, and I was pretty hungry too. And then I ran into these two dudes while I was hunting. One of them went to get stuff to trade me for the stag I just shot, and the other one stayed to help me keep an eye on the meat. We ended up fighting a bunch of clickers together, and then he invited me to come live with him and his people. He seemed... I don't know. Kind of nice."

"The nice ones are the ones you have to watch out for," Maria says.

"Yeah, I figured that out eventually." Ellie stops to take a few bites of oatmeal. "My friend helped me get out of there. Her name was Becca. She was really sweet. She even named her baby after me."

Ellie feels a little queasy at the memory of Becca giving birth. Then she remembers cutting up Becca's roasted muscles into tiny pieces and eating them, and suddenly she's not hungry at all. She pushes her bowl back.

"You okay?" Maria asks.

"Yeah, I'm good," Ellie says. "I just grossed myself out by thinking about stuff I did recently."

"You feel like talking about it?"

Ellie takes a sip of water. "Thanks, but I'm kind of afraid you guys will panic and kick me out if I tell you. Pass."

Maria rolls her eyes. "Believe me, Ellie. There's literally nothing you could tell me that would shock me."

"Oh yeah?" Ellie takes this as a personal challenge. "Have you ever fucked someone who was, like... forty years older than you?"

"Close enough," Maria says. "I didn't know any of them well enough to ask their ages, but shit happens when you're out there. Nice try, though."

"Oh." Ellie hesitates. "Um... what about... have you ever eaten human meat?"

"Ellie, I hate to tell you, but it's not all that easy to find people who _haven't_ eaten human flesh. Not if they live rough for long enough. Did you eat it raw? I might be a little grossed out if you ate it raw."

"No," Ellie says, deflated and relieved at the same time. "It was definitely cooked pretty good."

"Well, don't eat any of my people, and no one will give a shit about what you did to survive out there."

Ellie mashes up the berries and milk into her oatmeal, staring into the bowl while she thinks about Becca and David and Joel and the whole goddamn winter. What a fucking mess. She looks up at Maria, with her cool short hair and her cool denim jacket, and wonders how an actual grownup would have handled all the bullshit.

"Something else on your mind?" Maria asks.

"I guess I have a super personal question."

"Well, you have to ask it, now that you've got me all curious."

"Who was the first person you had sex with?" Ellie asks. "What was he like?"

Maria sets down her spoon. "Her name was Amy," she says with a grin. "She was a senior in high school when I was a sophomore. I don't remember much about her, except that she spent all of her time painting and getting high. I remember she had orange paint on her nose the first time she fingered me, in the school library. She moved away to college a few months later, and we didn't keep in touch even before the infection started."

"So was Tommy the first guy you ever had sex with?"

Maria laughs so hard she starts crying. "Oh, sweetie," she finally says, wiping her eyes. "You're adorable."

Ellie pouts. "Hey, fuck you! It was an honest question."

"Sorry," Maria says. "I know. I wasn't trying to insult you. It was just cute. God, let me think. The first _few_ men I had sex with were all soldiers. My mom died in the initial confusion, and I got separated from my dad. I knew exactly where he was, because we had a rendezvous point set up. But the military took custody of me, and they wanted to stick me in this military boarding school they were starting up, somewhere to stick the orphans in the QZ. I had to bribe three different soldiers with sex to get to my dad. That was right before my sixteenth birthday. You know, I honestly can't even remember what they looked like."

"Do you ever regret it?"

"Mostly no," Maria says. "I got home safe and sound, and none of them hurt me or anything, so it's hard to feel too sorry for myself. But sometimes... yeah, I do regret it."

"Were they creepy? Did they pressure you into it?"

"No, I was totally the one who propositioned each of them," Maria says. "But, see, one of those guys must have had The Clap. Things were kind of crazy, as you can probably imagine, so I didn't get the chance to see a doctor until a few years later, when Dr. Freeman started setting up her research lab here. What we thought was appendicitis turned out to be this really bad infection. I took some strong antibiotics, but I guess after a certain point, the damage can't be undone."

"How do you know it was one of those guys?" Ellie asks.

"Because I didn't have sex with anyone else until I was about twenty-two," Maria says. "We were pretty secluded out here for a while. I more than made up for it later, with guys and girls and everyone else, but that's a story for another day. Anyway, it turns out that not taking care of that kind of infection can fuck up your reproductive system. I didn't realize how bad it was until Tommy and I started trying for a baby."

"You can't have kids?"

"I eventually got pregnant," Maria says. "But... things didn't turn out like we hoped. Dr. Freeman doesn't even think it was because of the infection I had when I was younger. Shit just happens, sometimes, and you never really understand why."

"Oh," Ellie says, remembering the tiny grave nearby with the stuffed toy dog on it. "I'm really sorry, Maria."

"That's life." Maria waves her hand. "I took the hint, and Tommy and I stopped trying to have a baby. God knows I'm too busy, anyway! So. Tell me about your first, Ellie. I assume that has something to do with why you asked about mine."

Ellie scratches her head sheepishly. "Yeah, kind of," she says. "Well, um... I don't know where to start. I've only had sex with one guy and no girls so far, so I don't have a lot of experience, obviously."

"Most fourteen-year-olds don't." Maria scrapes up the last of her oatmeal onto her spoon. "What was his name?"

"David," Ellie says, feeling weirdly naked talking about it after being isolated for so long. "He's way, way older than me. Way older than you, too, I guess. I actually only had sex with him the first time because I was really drunk. I kind of wish I could remember it."

"He raped you while you were drunk?" Maria's expression turns scary again.

"Nah, he didn't hurt me or anything," Ellie says. "I wouldn't let anyone who raped me walk away from it. He just had sex with me."

"While you were too drunk to remember any of it, much less say no."

"Yeah, but... he was too drunk to remember any of it, too."

"Horse shit," Maria spits out. "Did he tell you that? I'm sorry, but that's complete and utter horse shit. Whiskey dick would kick in way, way before he reached the blackout point."

"Whiskey dick?" Ellie snorts at the funny phrase. "What the fuck is a 'whiskey dick'?"

"Alcohol makes it hard for guys to get hard," Maria explains. "So if your pal was really as drunk as he claimed to be, he wouldn't have been able to get his dick inside you. Fingers and dildos, yes. And those are just as shitty to use on someone's who's passed out, no matter how drunk the other person is too. But there's no way someone could have stuck his dick in you and been blackout drunk at the same time. If that's what he told you happened, he's a goddamn liar."

"Oh." Ellie feels that same kind of awful as she did when Becca was telling her about how David and James made fun of her behind her back. "Well... he was full of shit, obviously. I already knew that, even if I don't know everything about sex yet."

"Sorry, sweetie," Maria says, more gently. "I'm not trying to shut you down. Come on, tell me more about David. I told you all about my firsts. I better hear more about yours."

Ellie stirs her spoon around in her bowl. "Well, he was kind of religious, but in a weird way. I'm pretty sure God would have _major_ issues with a lot of the shit David does. My friend Becca said I'm not the first teenage girl he's invited to his house and then had sex with. And he may have killed the other ones? She wasn't sure."

"Jesus, Ellie." Maria frowns. "I'm really glad you made it here."

"I know," Ellie says. "Me too. He kind of scared me, sometimes. Oh, and did I mention that his whole goddamn town is full of motherfucking cannibals?! I didn't eat any until my friend Becca died, and then... it's not like we did something terrible to her! She bled too much when she had her baby, and she wanted me to eat her so I could have a better shot at escaping."

"That's really common," Maria assures her. "My dad used to tell me to fry him up if he died of natural causes. 'Course, a clicker got him before that could happen, so I didn't have to worry about honoring his wishes. It doesn't happen so much here, where we've got plenty of food, but I know it's not unusual in the rest of the world out there."

"It bought me some time," Ellie says. "That was the plan, anyway."

"Good," Maria says. "Now, we've established that David is a scary guy, but tell me about the good things! I know you wouldn't have stayed with someone like that if the good didn't outweigh the bad sometimes. What did he do that made you trust him so much?"

"He always made me breakfast," Ellie says. "If he didn't have any food to cook for me, he would let me sleep in while he went looking for some. But usually he woke me up with breakfast, and then we would go hunting together. He always had my back against clickers and rapists and whatever else we ran into in the woods. And he had awesome taste in music. He used to put on these amazing old records whenever we fucked, and it made it a lot easier for me to relax. He gave me my first orgasm while we were listening to "How Soon is Now" by The Smiths. He taught me so much about sex, stuff I didn't know I didn't know until I met him. He taught me how to drive through snow and play guitar a little. He read comics with me sometimes, and he fixed my Walkman, and he made sure I had warm clothes."

"You sound a little homesick," Maria says.

"No way!" Ellie says. "I'm so fucking glad to be away from there. Everything he ever told me was total bullshit. I don't miss him at all."

But her heart does twinge a little, thinking about the good parts of living with David. She kind of wishes she could go back to when she first met him, before he turned scary. And thinking about all those evenings she spent with Becca makes it worse. Ellie rubs the wood grain of the table to distract herself from crying.

"I was pretty fucking stupid to ever trust him, huh?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself." Maria leans across the table and puts her hand on top of Ellie's. "I still say it was rape, but even if it wasn't... no, I wouldn't think you were stupid for doing that. I've lived out there a little bit. You do what you've gotta do to get by, especially during an awful winter."

"Yeah, but seriously, it wasn't rape at all," Ellie says, disturbed that she's somehow given Maria the wrong impression. "I could have said no whenever, I just didn't want to sleep out in the snow. He never beat me up and held a knife to my neck and raped me while I tried to fight him off."

"We'll call it survival sex, then," Maria says, sounding like she still doesn't entirely trust Ellie's judgement. "Like when I fucked the soldiers to get home. Whatever name makes you feel the least awful about it."

"Survival sex..." Ellie pictures herself-as-Daniela having sex with evil space robots to avoid death, and the idea eases the stress out of her shoulders and stomach. "Cool. Yeah, let's call it survival sex. That sounds badass. Anyway, I know David is kind of a shitty person, but I probably could have done worse, right?"

"You definitely could have done worse," Maria says. "Doesn't mean I'm not glad you got away from that jackass while you had the chance, nor that I won't shoot him on sight if he gets close to the dam. We'll keep you safe, Ellie."

"Awesome, thanks," Ellie says. "And if you need me to patrol or anything, I'll totally help out. I like it here."

She remembers that she's supposed to be leaving for Salt Lake City in a few days, and she doesn't feel much like talking anymore. She mashes her oatmeal around some more, wishing she could stay with Maria and Tommy and Callus forever. Maria makes some herbal tea and brings two cups of it to the table. Ellie holds the cup in both of her cold hands. The smell reminds her of afternoons with Becca.

"Oh, shit!" Ellie sets her cup on the table.

"What's wrong?"

"I just realized Becca's baby won't have anybody to feed her! Is she gonna starve to death?" The thought is so awful that Ellie feels like crying again. She can't let Becca's death be for nothing.

"Were there any other women in the town?" Maria asks. "Especially any with kids?"

"Yeah," Ellie says. "One of Becca's friends had a couple of kids, I think."

"Then that baby won't starve to death," Maria says. "I bet that friend of hers will nurse the baby."

"You think so?"

"Definitely." Maria seems a little too somber about the topic. "I've seen it. No need to worry about that baby. Didn't your mom die when you were born?"

"Yeah."

Maria shrugs. "See? You didn't starve."

"Whoa," Ellie says. "Holy shit. I never thought of that before. I wonder who fed me?"

"Probably someone whose baby died," Maria says. "Sometimes babies get eaten by clickers, or get sick, or just forget how to breathe while they're sleeping, for no apparent reason. But the mom's breasts don't instantly get the memo to stop making milk, so every time she goes around a hungry, screaming baby, they'll fill right up with milk to feed it. Trust me. Even if that other lady's kid is still alive and nursing, that mama isn't going to be able to turn her back on a newborn crying for milk. And she'll feel better about life when that baby starts growing up healthy and tough, thanks to her. I promise you, Ellie, your friend's baby won't starve."

Ellie wants to ask if Maria knows all this from firsthand experience, but she's too afraid Maria will get mad. She pokes at her oatmeal, wondering if she should tell Maria that she might be pregnant. She feels so fucking stupid and embarrassed about letting David finish inside her every time.

"You know what's weird?" Ellie finally says.

"What?"

"I've had a lot of sex, but I've never been kissed on the lips. Isn't that kind of weird?"

"Nah." Maria smiles at Ellie through the steam rising out of her cup. "That just means you get to save that experience for someone you actually care about. Preferably someone a little closer to your own age. Weird is what you make it."

"Haha, yeah." Ellie rests her face on her hand. "I hope my first kiss is with a girl. I'm kind of done with guys for the next decade or two."

"Smart," Maria says. "Especially since most women aren't going to be able to get you pregnant."

"So, speaking of that, can I ask you another weird question about sex?"

"Of course. I told you, Ellie, you can't shock me."

"Okay, so, is it normal for girls to let guys shoot their load inside them every time they have sex? Or is that only something 'easy' girls do?"

"'Easy'?" Maria asks. "It's got nothing to do with someone being 'easy,' which is a stupid concept anyhow. From what I've seen, it's definitely normal for people who want to have a baby. For everyone else, it's risky as hell. So, no. I'd say it's not super common in the general population. Do I want to know why you're asking, Ellie?"

"You really don't." Ellie stares down at the mush in her bowl. "Last question... if someone was really stupid and probably got knocked up and wanted to be un-knocked-up, how exactly would that work?"

Maria rubs her forehead and then picks up her walkie-talkie. "Tommy, honey?" shes says into it. "I left you some oatmeal on the stove. I'm gonna take Ellie to Doc Freeman's for a checkup."

"Roger," Tommy says.

Maria sticks the device back in her pocket. "All right, Ellie, finish that tea," she says. "Time to go see more of the town."


	18. Chapter 18

Maria's town has a legit hospital, or at least something a lot more official looking than Leah's little brick house. The doctor's house has a big red plus sign painted neatly on the white front, between two second-floor windows. Instead of stairs, there's a wide concrete ramp with rails on either side leading to the front door. As soon as Ellie walks in, she smells rubbing alcohol and soap. Everything is tidy and scrubbed, and it's pretty bright even with only a third of the lights turned on.

"Hey, Pilar," Maria says to a really pretty girl about Ellie's age. "How's it going?"

"Great!" the girl says. "Dr. Freeman is with a patient, but she'll be out soon."

She's a little taller than Ellie and built like a ballerina, with dark brown eyes and black, wavy hair that touches her elbows. Her skin is just dark enough Ellie thinks it would turn prettier in the sun, instead of turning red and peeling like Ellie's. She's wearing a faded purple jacket and a shiny purple ribbon to tie back half of her hair. Ellie's water bottle slips out of her hand and clatters onto the floor. As she ducks to pick it up, she sees Maria peering down at her with a weird look on her face. Ellie pops back up, her face hot with embarrassment from being such a klutz.

"Oops," she says.

"Pilar, this is Ellie," Maria says. "She's staying with me and Tommy for a little while."

"Oh!" Pilar says. "The girl who brought the horse up to the gate this morning?"

Ellie wrinkles her nose. "Wow, word travels fast around here."

"Yup," Maria says. "Pilar doesn't talk about her patients, though."

"You can't if you want to be a doctor," Pilar says. "Dr. Freeman would probably kill me if I talked about patient business to anyone but her! I love working here way too much to gossip about anyone."

"How old are you?" Ellie asks. "I mean, not to be rude, but you look like you're about my age. You work here?"

"I'm sixteen-and-a-half," Pilar says. "And yeah, I've worked for Dr. Freeman for about ten months now. She's teaching me how to be a doctor."

"Wow," Ellie says. "So if I was bleeding all over the place, you would know how to fix me up?"

"Dr. Freeman would probably do most of the work, but yes," Pilar says. "I could probably keep you alive, if nothing else."

"Hey, sometimes that's all that matters," Ellie says. "I'd let you keep me alive any day. I mean, because I bet you'd be good at it. Not because you're pretty. I mean, you are pretty, but that's not- okay, I'm just going to shut the fuck up now."

Pilar giggles, and Ellie thinks about running back out the door. Maria puts her arms around Ellie's shoulders, as if to keep Ellie from doing exactly that.

"Ellie needs to see Dr. Freeman," Maria says. "Can you get her started?"

"Sweet, a new patient!" Pilar attaches a piece of paper to a clipboard. "Take your shoes and jacket off, please, Ellie, and come over here."

Ellie pads awkwardly over to Pilar in her stained socks that are a little too big. She steps onto the scale Pilar is pointing to, and those delicately-filed nails slide the weights back and forth across the numbers. Pilar's hands don't look like they've ever cleaned a gun or gutted a squirrel or fought off a clicker. They're delicate and smooth-looking, like they were made for stitching peoples' guts back into them and feeling peoples' foreheads. Ellie makes her hands into loose fists to hide the scratches and the chewed-up nails.

When the needle is hovering near the middle of the metal frame, Pilar scribbles something on her clipboard and then resets the scale.

"Am I too skinny?" Ellie jokes, although she's actually terrified Pilar might say yes.

"No, you're a healthy weight, at least for the post-apocalypse," Pilar says. "Congratulations on making it through the winter with a little padding to spare. If I ever get separated from my parents, I hope I get stuck with you. I've never been very good with guns, so I would probably starve to death on my own! You must be good at hunting, though. You look pretty healthy."

"I'm mostly made out of muscle," Ellie boasts. "Muscle and... bones, and skin and stuff, I guess. But I have really cool muscles from all the running and killing and shit that I've been doing lately."

"Oh, do you?" Pilar asks in a teasing voice as she measures Ellie's height. "Well, I have really cool muscles from running to the dinner hall on ice cream night."

"Haha, neat," Ellie says. "Maybe we should compare muscles. I mean, we should race. I bet you're pretty fast, 'cause I feel like ice cream wouldn't last long around this many people."

Pilar laughs again, and it makes Ellie feel dizzier and more flushed than moonshine ever did.

Maria clears her throat. "All right," she says. "You two are being ridiculous. Pilar, don't make me drag your mama down here."

Pilar blushes and hands Ellie the clipboard and pen. "All right, that's everything," she says. "Will you please fill this out for the doctor? As much as you know is fine."

Ellie and Maria sit on the soft, slightly lumpy couch, and Pilar disappears into the back. Ellie stares at the words on the clipboard, still too distracted from meeting Pilar to concentrate on them. Maria pokes her in the arm.

"Ow, what?"

"What the hell was that all about?" Maria asks.

"What was _what_ all about?" Ellie demands.

"'I'd let you keep me alive any day, Pilar,'" Maria mimics. "'My muscles are so strong from killing things, Pilar! Do you want to rub your hands all over my legs to feel how strong I am?"

"Okay, I didn't technically say that-" Ellie begins, then goes cold. "Wait, fuck, _did_ I say that ? Fuck!"

"No, not that exactly," Maria laughs. "You okay, though?"

"Yeah, I just couldn't stop talking for some reason." Ellie writes her birthday down on the appropriate line. "I haven't seen someone my age in a long time, and I'm nervous about seeing the doctor. That's all."

"Uh huh," Maria says with a wink. "I'm sure that's _totally_ it."

Pilar returns to her desk just then, and Ellie tries to disappear into her jacket while she writes down her information. Maria takes a notebook out of her jacket pocket and starts scratching at a page with her pencil. By the time Ellie finishes scrawling out everything she knows about her health (in her terrible, shaky-looking handwriting), Maria is totally absorbed in whatever she's doodling. Ellie tries to peek, but Maria moves the notebook away. Her eyes dart periodically up to the front desk, where Pilar is organzing papers.

"What is that?" Ellie finally asks.

"Sketchbook," Maria says. "It was an anniversary present from Tommy a couple of years ago. He bound it himself."

"Whoa," Ellie says. "Where'd he get all the paper?"

"We recycle every piece of paper we don't want anymore," Maria says. "Mix in a little wood pulp to make it go further. I guess Tommy 'borrowed' some."

"We did math problems and handwriting practice on a blackboard," Ellie says. "We weren't supposed to waste paper or something. I've never seen that much blank paper in one place!"

"Who says it's blank?" Maria tucks her chewed-up pencil behind her ear and hands Ellie the sketchbook.

Ellie opens it up. There's hardly any blank space on the first page. Ellie counts seven different little sketches on the same tiny page: four of geese, two of rabbits, and a relatively large one of Tommy sleeping. It all looks so realistic that Ellie can't believe a human drew it. Ellie flips through the rest of the pages. They're all like the first one, crammed with pictures of Tommy and nature. A dozen pages in, there's a whole page dedicated to just one sketch- a sleeping baby. It's wearing a little crocheted cap and wrapped up in what looks like a flannel shirt. Ellie can tell it was just born from the way its face is all mushy and scrunched up. The next page also only has one picture on it, a sketch of Tommy sleeping outside with the baby on his chest. It looks like it's about the same time of year in the sketch as it is outside. Tommy is lying on his back, using a bunched up shirt for a pillow, and his hands are resting loosely on the baby's back and leg. After that, the book goes back to smaller snapshots of nature interspersed with baby yawns and smiles. Ellie pauses on a half-page sketch of the baby lying next to another, slightly older infant, one whose skin is shaded a little darker than what she assumes is Maria's baby. The older baby looks like it's trying to eat the head of the younger baby. There's a miniscule caption underneath it that reads, _"Olivia heard that eating peoples' faces is all the rage these days."_ From the grass and shadows in the picture, Ellie guesses it was sketched in early summer.

"I wish I could draw," Ellie says. "These are so awesome."

"I doodled my way through school." Maria shrugs. "And then when we were all alone out here, improving my technique was a way to fight the unbearable boredom. Nowadays, I don't get much downtime, but I like to keep my mind sharp when I do. I figure drawing works the brain-muscles you need in order to notice something out of place in time to not get yourself killed."

Ellie sighs. "Yeah, that's definitely not a brain-muscle I have. At all. When I'm left to my own devices, I get too focused on the big picture and don't pay close enough attention to the details. It's gonna get me killed, one of these days."

She flips to the next page, but it's blank. There are a dozen or so blank pages between the page with the two babies and the next drawing, like Maria randomly opened the book up in the middle without looking back at any of the previous pages to check where she was. The drawings are more technical, missing the personal flair from the other sketches, but Ellie can tell Maria still drew them. There are no more pictures of babies or furry animals, just ones of trees and lakes and rain, with the occasional bird captured seemingly by accident. Ellie turns the book on its side to examine a full-page drawing of the darker-skinned baby from before, now holding her ear and nursing. Instead of being drawn from the perspective of someone looking at a mother feeding her baby, though, it's drawn like it's from the point-of-view of the woman breastfeeding. The picture looks so lifelike that Ellie touches the wet streak drawn on the baby's cheek. There are a few more pictures of the baby, but she's noticeably older in each one, like Maria wasn't drawing very much during the year or so in which the baby was around. There's a picture of the baby girl standing on a chair seat, both little fists clutching handfuls of some treat to her mouth, and then all the pictures are of animals again. Like the first baby, the second one just seems to disappear from existence.

On the very last non-blank page, there's a softer, less-defined sketch of Pilar that takes up most of its page. Ellie holds the sketch up to compare the drawing to real life. It really does look like Pilar, right down to the sleeve wrinkles over her elbows.

"Jesus, that's so cool!" Ellie says. "My life would be so much more interesting if my boredom led to neat shit like this."

Maria laughs. "I guess it's kind of turned into a way for me to store my memories. Like a journal, but less self-focused. I just want to remember what I did and how it made me feel, not so much everything that comes along with journaling. I just don't have the patience to write about anything, let alone my life."

Ellie returns her sketchbook. "Thanks for letting me look," she says. "That was, really, really cool."

"Sure, " Maria says. "Thanks for not trying to tear any pages out."

She goes back to sketching, and Ellie wonders in horror if people have actually tried to rip sketches out of Maria's book. Ellie would probably punch anyone who tried to. Maria's black-and-white drawings seem kind of sacred, even though Ellie doesn't understand all of them.

A tall Black woman in a nice red shirt walks down the hall to Pilar's desk. She's followed by a little blond boy with a sling on his left arm and a lady who looks like the kid's mom. The lady in the red shirt rests her elbow on the top of the desk.

"Pilar, set up a time tomorrow to check on his shoulder," the tall woman says. "I just want to make sure the swelling goes down."

"Okay." Pilar nods. "Your next patient is ready for you." She gestures to where Ellie is sitting.

Dr. Freeman greets Maria with a handshake. "Good to see you again, Maria. Who's this?"

"This is Ellie, your newest patient," Maria says. "Ellie, Dr. Freeman."

Ellie shakes hands with the doctor. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," the doctor says. "Come on back to my exam room and we'll get you taken care of."

The exam room has a padded table in the middle of the room. It's coated with some kind of shiny plastic. Dr. Freeman sprays it down with something that burns Ellie's nose, and then she wipes it down with a clean towel and pats the foot of the table.

"Hop up," Dr. Freeman says. "What can I do for you?"

Ellie rubs her sweaty hands on her jeans. "It's possible that I might be, uh, pregnant, and I really don't want to be."

"I see." Dr. Freeman washes her hands with soap in the sink in the room. "When was your last period?"

"I don't know. It doesn't really have any particular schedule, but I guess my last one was a couple of months ago. Maybe six or seven weeks?"

"And you've been having unprotected intercourse?"

Ellie squirms. "Yeah, for a few months."

"Okay." Dr. Freeman shakes her hands dry over the sink and then pulls a single purple glove out of a box. She pulls it onto her right hand. "Any nausea or vomiting?"

"Sometimes I feel like I want to puke, but it's usually because I'm freaking out over something."

"Do certain smells make you feel sick? Is the nausea worse when you haven't eaten in a while?"

Ellie shakes her head.

"Could you take your clothes off for me?" Dr. Freeman unfolds a clean white sheet. "We'll cover you up with this."

"You want me to get out?" Maria asks Ellie.

"No." Ellie shakes her head. "You can stay."

She kicks her shoes back off and starts struggling out of her clothes. Maria takes each article of clothing from her, folds it neatly, and places it on the chair.

Ellie hesitates to pull her shirt off. "I know it looks bad, but this bite is from-"

"Last summer," Dr. Freeman says. "I know."

"Huh?"

"After you and Joel left last fall, Tommy and I talked to Doc Freeman about your situation," Maria says. "She figured you probably were immune, but that the Fireflies wouldn't have an easy time finding a vaccine, based on how the infection grows."

"Oh," Ellie says. "Well, it's still worth a shot. Worst case scenario, it's a wasted trip and a few wasted vials of blood. I can live with that."

Both of the grownup women get kind of quiet at that. When Ellie is naked, Dr. Freeman drapes the sheet over her, leaving Ellie's breasts exposed.

"Could you lie back and put your hands over your head for me?" Dr. Freeman asks.

Ellie tucks her hands under her head like a pillow. Dr. Freeman rubs Ellie's sore breast with her gloved fingers. Ellie winces a little.

"Does that hurt?" Dr. Freeman asks.

"Just a little," Ellie says.

Dr. Freeman is more cautious with the other boob. When she's done, she covers Ellie's chest with the sheet. Ellie tucks it under her arms to keep it from falling down.

"Will you scoot down to the end of the table and put your feet on the edge?" Dr. Freeman asks.

The whole situation is so weird and awkward that Ellie has trouble believing she's still awake. But she does what the doctor says and wiggles down the table. Dr. Freeman picks up what looks like a metal torture device used to cut parts out of people, and Ellie closes her knees together.

"Holy shit, what the fuck is that?!"

"It's a speculum." Dr. Freeman holds it up and messes with a screw mechanism on it. The metal blades spread open as she twists the bolt. "It helps me see inside you."

"It doesn't hurt," Maria assures Ellie. "Especially not if you've been having sex. Just don't clamp your muscles down on it and you'll be fine."

"If you say so." Ellie lets her legs fall apart again.

Dr. Freeman drapes the sheet back over Ellie's knees. "It's going to be a little cold," she warns. "Try to relax your muscles."

Ellie almost jumps off the table when the torture device slides in. "Holy shit," she says. "You weren't kidding about it being cold."

She can feel the thing being cranked open again, this time inside her. It doesn't hurt, but it's pretty damn uncomfortable. She really wishes she'd gone pee before getting on the table.

"You want me to hold your hand or anything?" Maria asks, not looking up from her sketchbook.

Ellie does, but she can't tell if Maria is making fun of her or not, so she shakes her head. "I'm not a little kid," she says. "I'm fine."

Dr. Freeman clicks on a flashlight and peers under the sheet. "Have you been more tired than usual lately, Ellie?"

"I don't think so."

The speculum cranks back down to its original flat shape and slides back out of her. Dr. Freeman sets her flashlight on a nearby table, and a minute later one of her fingers goes into Ellie. Before Ellie can react, Dr. Freeman pokes her stomach with her other hand. Ellie shrieks and flails so hard the sheet almost falls off her.

"Oh fuck!" Ellie laughs. "Stop, stop!"

"Ticklish?" Maria asks.

"Put your hand on mine, Ellie," Dr. Freeman says.

Ellie puts her hand on the doctor's and keeps it there while the doctor presses and rubs on her lower stomach. It's a lot less ticklish for some reason when they do it that way. It still feels really weird to have someone poking at Ellie's internal organs, though.

"You said on your paperwork that you're about to turn fifteen," Dr. Freeman says. "Any career plans?"

"I don't know," Ellie says. "Not a lot of options these days. I kind of wish I'd been born early enough to go to doctor school."

"Medical school was hard work, but I'm glad I went," Dr. Freeman says. "One good doctor is worth more than a warehouse full of ammunition. How long are you staying in town?"

"I'm probably leaving in a few days," Ellie says. "I guess it depends on this stuff. I want to try to get it taken care of before I leave. But I have to go to Salt Lake City as soon as possible."

"Damn." Dr. Freeman rubs her fingers in a circle over some part of Ellie's insides. "I could really use another apprentice. Pilar and I are pretty overworked, and the more doctors this town has, the better. Even when people aren't getting shot at or gnawed on, there will always be sicknesses and births and injuries."

"Yeah, it would be cool to know how to help people who are hurt really bad," Ellie says, staring at the lights on the ceiling. "Instead of just standing there like an idiot while they bleed to death."

"That would be a plus," Dr. Freeman says. "Maybe you'll get lucky, and the Firefly doctors will take you under their wings. I bet they have amazing equipment. They might even have an MRI. God, I would settle for an X-ray machine or an ultrasound machine."

"An 'ultra sound' machine sounds like something out of a superhero comic," Ellie says. "Does it burn stuff with sound? Because that would be _awesome._"

"No, it helps you look inside a body part without cutting it open," Dr. Freeman explains. "For instance, if I had one right now, I would use it to look at your uterus and figure out if you were pregnant or not. After a certain point, you can actually use an ultrasound machine to tell whether the fetus is male or female."

"Seriously?" Ellie asks. "That's pretty cool. How does it work?"

"Like bats," Dr. Freeman says, at the exact same time that Maria chimes in, "Like clickers."

"Oh," Ellie says. "I guess that's why they call it 'ultrasound,' huh?"

When Doctor Freeman is finally done, she peels off her glove and tosses it in a container.

"You can put your clothes back on, Ellie," she says. She turns her back and writes something in her notebook, giving Ellie some privacy.

"So, what's the verdict?" Ellie asks as she pulls her shirt back on.

Dr. Freeman hands her a small plastic container with a lid. "I need you to provide a urine sample in this so I can be sure. The restroom is across the hall. You can leave it with Pilar on your way out and check back with me after dinner."

"Aw, after dinner? Okay..."

Three hours sound like forever to Ellie, but she takes the cup to the bathroom and tries to pee into it. It takes way longer to pee than it should, especially since her bladder is actually full. When she finally does manage to go, she pees all over her hand and the outside of the cup at first. She fills the cup most of the way full and screws the lid on, then washes herself and the cup really well with warm water and soap.

"Here," she says, setting the cup full of pee on Pilar's desk. She hurries outside before Pilar can ask why the cup is so wet. Getting eaten by a clicker sounds like more fun than that.

Maria steps outside a minute later and pats Ellie's shoulder. "That could have been worse, right?"

"I could have accidentally set the entire town on fire," Ellie says. "I'm so fucking embarrassing."

Maria laughs. "It wasn't that bad, Ellie. I think you did pretty good for your first time."

"Let's just get out of here," Ellie says. "I'm already freaking out. She thinks I'm pregnant, doesn't she? Shit. I'm totally pregnant. Fuck me for being so fucking stupid."

"Calm down." Maria puts her arm around Ellie's shoulder and leads her down the walkway. "It's gonna be okay."

"But my friend Becca died having a baby! That's the whole reason I'm here. Pregnancy is fucking terrifying."

Maria sighs. "Listen to me, Ellie. If you are pregnant, Dr. Freeman can take care of it for you. You wouldn't be the first or the last person in this town she's helped out. Just relax, okay? Now listen, I need to get some work done. Can I take you to Tommy for a while?"

Ellie nods, still stressed out and unhappy. Maria leads her to the dinner hall, where Tommy and another guy are taking apart a skinned deer. Once Maria leaves, Ellie rolls her sleeves up and pulls out her switchblade.

"Need any help?" she asks. "I could use the stress relief."

Tommy looks up. "Hey, Ellie. Sure, why don't you start-" His eyes hone in on Ellie's hand. "Can I see that knife?"

"Sure." Ellie hands it over to him. "It was my mom's."

Tommy turns it over in his hands for a few minutes, then looks up at Ellie, then looks back at the knife. "Do you know if your mama was a Firefly, by any chance?" he asks as he hands the switchblade back to Ellie.

"Yeah!" She sticks her knife into a front leg. "She totally was! Her name was Anna. Did you know her?"

Tommy picks up his own knife and starts taking apart the deer's haunch. "Yeah, I think I did know her," he says.

"This is so cool!" Ellie almost cuts off her own finger in her excitement. "Were you friends with my mom?"

"Something like that," Tommy says. He's staring at the deer, sawing through muscles and ligaments more carefully than he needs to.

"Tell me everything about her! All I know is that her name was Anna and she was a Firefly."

"She was a short lady," Tommy says. "Not much taller than you are now, if I remember correctly. But it was easy to forget how short she was, because she was loud and mean and hard to kill. She had a special fondness for blowing things up." He separates the leg from the rest of the body and sets it aside. "She was pretty close to Marlene, if you catch my drift."

"Like they were dating?"

"Uh huh. At least, they were by the time I left the Fireflies."

"I knew it!" Ellie punches the air. "So, awkward question, but do you have any idea who my dad might be? Like, was she dating anybody with a dick before she and Marlene got together? I know for a fact Marlene doesn't have a dick, unfortunately. Any ideas?"

Tommy doesn't answer for a minute; he just carves away at the deer. "Sorry," he finally says. "I wish I could help you, but I guess I didn't know your mom as well as I thought I did. Not sure what to tell you, kid."

"That's okay," Ellie says, trying to hide her disappointment. "It was worth a shot. Thanks anyway. And hey, if you ever think of any good stories about her..."

Tommy smiles, but it's kind of a sad smile. "You'll be the first to know," he says.

Maria shows up again a couple of hours later, when most of the town is sitting down with their bowls of venison stew and their slices of fresh bread. Ellie is picking crust off her bread when Maria sits down next to her.

"The sooner you finish dinner, the sooner we can go sit and be bored at Dr. Freeman's office," Maria says.

"I'm too nervous to eat," Ellie says.

"Maybe we can save you some for later," Maria says. "In case you get hungry later tonigh-"

A tiny little girl with light brown skin and a cute little Afro throws herself onto Maria's lap. Maria doesn't seem overly surprised or concerned by it. The little girl climbs into a proper sitting position, grabs the bottom of Maria's shirt, and tries to lift it up. Maria gently moves the toddler's hand.

"Olivia," she says sternly. "Are you a big girl or a baby?"

The little girl purses her lips. "Big girl!" she declares.

"Then you eat big girl food," Maria says. She fills her spoon with stew. "Look, I bet you can't reach that food! That is way too hard to get to."

"No!" The girl opens her mouth and leans forward to slurp it. When she finishes, she claps her hands together. "Haha!"

"You sure showed me," Maria says, loading the spoon again. "What about this one?"

Ellie watches in amusment. "Do you randomly acquire kids everywhere you go?"

"You tell me," Maria says with a wink. "You're the one living in my house, randomly-acquired kid."

"Yeah, but I'm not staying for long," Ellie says.

"That seems to be the general idea." Maria spoon-feeds another bite to the little girl. "This is Olivia. I was friends with her mama, before she died. I took care of Olivia some when she was a baby."

"Oh!" Ellie says. She suddenly recognizes the baby from the sketchbook, the one that looked like they were trying to eat the other baby's head and then later was nursing with the wet face.

"Big girl," Olivia says again.

"That's right." Maria sticks a spoonful into Olivia's mouth. "Olivia is a big, strong, healthy girl."

"Mine!" Olivia demands, trying to take the spoon from Maria. "Mine!"

"Okay," Maria says, giving up her spoon. "Hope your daddy's not attached to that shirt of yours."

Ellie snorts and watches the baby try to feed herself. She keeps sloshing all the stew off her spoon before it even gets past the bowl. She finally lets out a high pitched scream, and Maria takes the spoon back.

"Here." Maria sticks a bite into Olivia's mouth, and the screaming stops. "All better, yeah?"

"Liv!" A huge Black guy runs over and squats down next to Maria's chair. "You scared me, Baby. Don't go running off like that."

"Mine," Olivia says again, hitting Maria's front.

"Come here," the dude says, grabbing his baby. "You can't go bothering other people, Liv."

Olivia throws herself backwards with another shriek. Ellie wants to plug her ears.

"She's no bother," Maria says, patting Olivia's exposed tummy. "Bring her by any time."

"Say bye-bye," the dad says. "Can you say bye-bye to Maria?"

Olivia pouts her lips again, but then her hand flops back and forth. "Bye bye," she says.

Ellie and Maria wave back. A few minutes later, the two of them are eating their dinner like nothing happened.

"Must be nice," Ellie says, watching Olivia's dad toss her into the air and catch her.

"Hm?"

"Having grownups around to take care of you," Ellie says. "Grownups who don't either die and get replaced every two months or else get you drunk and fuck you while you're hurt. It must be nice to have parents."

"It is nice," Maria says. "I'm glad I was mostly grown by the time the shit hit the fan. Nobody really deserves to have to live through this mess, but the kids who are trying to make it without parents... Damn. I just want to hide them in my house and feed them cookies forever."

"Stop trying to talk me out of leaving," Ellie half-jokes. "I gotta go save the world, and cookies are literally my only weakness."

"Maybe I should bake some cookies then." Maria drops her spoon in her soup and rests her forehead on her fingers. "I really wish you wouldn't go," she says to the table.

"Huh? To Salt Lake City?" Ellie's forehead wrinkles up. "Why not?"

"Well, firstly, because it's a long-ass journey full of clickers and worse," Maria says. "And secondly, because Doc Freeman seems to think the only way to study your infection is to cut your head off, like a goddamned rabid dog."

"No way," Ellie says. "Marlene wouldn't hurt me! She made a promise to my mom."

"And she's made a lot more promises to a lot more people that she'll do whatever it takes to save the world. If you had to choose between heroically saving mankind from extinction and saving a teenager you barely knew, which one would you choose?"

Ellie swallows. "Maybe there's another way. I bet I'll get there, and Marlene will have it all figured out. There'll be some way to study it without cutting open my skull."

Maria finally looks up at her. "But what if you get there and there's not?"

"Everything happens for a reason," Ellie says, before she even realizes what's coming out of her mouth.

"Just... think about it," Maria says. "Just take a few days and figure out what you really want to do."

"Is this seat taken?" Pilar's voice asks from behind Ellie.

"Oh, no," Ellie manages to splutter. "Not taken."

"This soup smells so good!" Pilar says, dropping into the seat next to Ellie. "I'm so hungry. Is it good, Ellie?"

"Yeah, it's fine," Ellie says. "What are you doing here?"

"I eat here," Pilar says. "Just like everyone else in town."

"Oh, right." Ellie's face feels hot again. "Duh. I knew that."

"I'm gonna go eat with Tommy," Maria says, picking up her plate and cup of water. "I'll meet up with you after dinner, Ellie."

Ellie doesn't want Maria to go, especially not in the middle of their conversation, but she does kind of want to be alone with Pilar. She watches Maria put her hand on Tommy's back before sitting down next to him.

"We're having movie night tomorrow," Pilar says. "Have you seen the Savage Starlight movie yet?"

"What? No way!" Ellie almost knocks over her water cup. "I've been dying to see it. Are you pulling my leg?"

"No, we've been planning it for, like, three weeks!" Pilar insists. "You should come. Last time we made popcorn. Have you ever had popcorn?"

"A couple of times," Ellie says. "Where are you watching the movie?"

"In the old church," Pilar says. "The acoustics are great there. Bring a blanket or something, because we don't have any actual chairs, and the carpet isn't all that cushy."

"Cool," Ellie says. "I'll see if I can come. I might not feel like doing much, depending on... stuff."

"Oh!" Pilar reaches into her bag. "I almost forgot. I was supposed to give you your test results." She offers Ellie a tri-folded piece of paper.

"Test results?" Ellie's heart speeds up as she takes the paper from Pilar. "From Dr. Freeman?"

"Yup."

"Wow, uh, thanks." Ellie puts it under her plate. "I'll look at it later."

"You don't want to know?" Pilar raises an eyebrow. "You seemed so nervous about it earlier. But it's your test results, I guess."

"I'm just scared it'll be bad news," Ellie says. "I don't want to freak out in front of a bunch of strangers."

"I'll hold your hand while you read it," Pilar offers.

Ellie hesitates. "Okay," she finally says, unfolding the letter.

Pilar takes Ellie's left hand in both of hers while Ellie reads the note. It just says, _"E, as far as I can tell, you are NOT pregnant. Check back with me or another doctor in four weeks for follow up to be sure. -Dr. Jessica Freeman."_

"I'm... not pregnant?" Ellie mutters. "Are you serious?"

"Dr. Freeman thought you would be happy about the results," Pilar says, slurping her stew. "She said to tell you that she'll be in her office for an hour after dinner if you need to talk to her about them."

"No, I'm good," Ellie says. "So what time is that movie starting tomorrow? It sounds like I'm not gonna be busy."


	19. Chapter 19

Major non-con and violence warning this chapter. Also, to the motherfucking anon who commented early Friday AM about the fic being abandoned, fuck you. I'm posting this a little after 2AM on my Saturday morning. I have been up since 6AM. In fact, for the past several weeks, I have gone to bed at 2 or 3 AM because I've been up late, trying to edit despite my exhaustion (due to getting up at 6AM). I pour my fucking heart and health into writing, I risk falling asleep on my commute twice a day for your entertainment, and the only constructive thing you can think to say is to whine about how it's taking me too long? I'm sooo fucking sorry! If you go to my job for me and finish my advanced degree for me, I'll be happy to give you your free entertainment a little faster next time. Your review was a wonderful way to start my fucking morning, especially after I passed out literally in tears because I couldn't see the screen well enough to finish the almost **7,000 word** chapter last night. I've put at least thirty hours of writing, editing, and researching_ this chapter alone. _I may fail a massive project because I was trying to put this chapter out as soon as possible. Believe it or not, I am actually a person with an incredibly busy professional and academic life. *gasp* And, weirdly enough, making me feel bad is likely to make me LESS interested in ever finishing this fic.

tl;dr I always love concrit, but if you're only reviewing to complain that it's been a couple of weeks since I updated, don't. You'll only have yourself to blame when I type more slowly. :P Sorry about the rant; I'm so tired and my head is killing me and I just want to sleep. To everyone else, enjoy the chapter (I mean, as much as you can. It's pretty dark.)

o0o0o

The next few days are the best Ellie can ever remember having. Now that she's not stressing over potentially being pregnant, Ellie sleeps and eats way better. Pilar shows her the whole town when she's not working, and she even introduces Ellie to a few other kids around their age at the movie night. They geek out over Savage Starlight for hours after the movie, just the five of them.

Maria sticks a cot in the second bedroom and lets Ellie toss her stuff on the springs of the mattress-less crib. Tommy brings home an old pack of playing cards a few days in, and he and Maria teach Ellie how to play Rummy. She gives them a refresher course on "Slap" War and proceeds to dominate the hell out of both of them at it. It's hard for Ellie not to think of Maria and Tommy's place as home, since it feels like she always imagined home would. If people weren't counting on her, Ellie would stay there forever. But the thought of Salt Lake City steals the fun out of her card games and keeps her awake at night.

On the sixth day after she stumbled into town, she clears her throat during a silent part of lunch.

"So, you guys have been amazing, but I've gotta go to Salt Lake City," Ellie says. "Everything I've been through... it can't be for nothing. I have to believe I can make a difference. I don't care if I have to go alone. It's just something I gotta do. And if I have to die to give the rest of the world a happy ending, I guess that's what I'll have to do."

But even as she says it, she's still holding out hope for some other way. Dying is pretty much the last thing she wants to do. She can't believe Marlene would let anything happen to her. Surely Dr. Freeman is just confused.

"I understand," Maria says. "Wish you would change your mind, but I know you've given a lot of thought. When are you leaving?"

"I don't know," Ellie admits. "I guess I should go pretty soon, so I don't chicken out."

"I'll go with you," Tommy says.

Maria shoots him a look. "Give us a while to talk about it, Ellie?"

Ellie eavesdrops from the top of the stairs. Tommy and Maria argue a little, but it's not as loud as the last time, right before Joel took Ellie to the college. Maria seems to want Ellie and Tommy _both_ to stay with her, even though she's not saying it, and Tommy keeps saying he needs to talk to Marlene and "know for sure." Ellie finally gets bored and goes into her room to read.

Tommy knocks on Ellie's door a little later, looking tired.

"You'd best get packed up tonight," he says. "We're leaving bright and early tomorrow morning."

"Okay," Ellie says. "Who all is going?"

"Just me and you," Tommy says.

"Okay," she says. "Thanks."

The door pulls shut again. Ellie throws her shit back in her backpack and then heads straight to Dr. Freeman's office. Pilar is gathering her stuff together like she's about to leave, but she pauses when Ellie walks in.

"Hi, Ellie," she says. "Did you need anything?"

"Nothing medical," Ellie says. "Are you done with work?"

Pilar nods. "Walk me home?"

Ellie nods and takes the arm Pilar is offering. On the off-chance clickers or hunters break into the town, Ellie wants to be around to protect her friend. She tries to figure out what to say while she listens to Pilar chat about her day and her suspicions about the dinner menu. When they stop in front of Pilar's house, Ellie chokes on her own spit trying to swallow.

"What's wrong, Ellie?" Pilar asks.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," Ellie says. "Early in the morning."

"What?!" Pilar's expression is almost enough to make Ellie back out and claim she was just kidding.

"Yeah, sorry," Ellie says. "We just decided for sure right before I came over. It was kind of last minute."

"Nooo!" Pilar grabs Ellie's hands. "I don't want you to go! You're the most interesting person in the whole town!"

Ellie chortles at that. "I know, I know, but I have to go save humanity. I'd totally stay if I could."

Pilar's smooth fingers slide down the back of Ellie's hand, dragging invisible sparks through every nerve they brush. "Will you ever come back?"

"I don't know," Ellie says. "I hope so."

"I already miss you." Pilar pouts her lips and leans in close. "It's not fair. Ellie..."

Ellie leans in to kiss Pilar's soft-looking pink mouth, but at the last second she chickens out and kisses Pilar's cheek instead. Pilar sighs and grabs Ellie's arm.

"Don't leave," Pilar murmurs. "It'll be really boring without you. Stay."

She puts her cool palm on Ellie's flushed face, but it makes Ellie feel more feverish instead of less. As Pilar's face approaches Ellie's, a small branch falls out of a nearby tree with a loud crack. They both jump, and Ellie decides she's too chicken to kiss Pilar.

"I gotta get back to Tommy and Maria," Ellie says, tugging herself free. "Bye. Be safe."

She jogs back home, and Pilar doesn't try to stop her.

o0o0o

Tommy and Maria cook dinner at home that night. They don't talk much while they cook, but they look like they're having a deep conversation with no words. Ellie tries, unsuccessfully, to read their minds. They hold hands all during dinner, forcing Tommy to slosh his food around with his left hand.

David was almost as good at doing shit with his left hand as he was with his right hand, and he used to always find excuses to touch Ellie's hand. She hates him, and she misses him, and she wishes she'd kissed Pilar when she had the chance that afternoon. Her loneliness takes up too much space in her stomach for her to fit in even Tommy's awesome mashed potatoes. After dinner, Tommy sits on the couch and reads a book. Maria lies next to him, her socked feet on his lap. She buries her face in her sketchbook, glancing up periodically at Tommy's face as her pencil scritches on the paper. She's probably trying to draw one last sketch of him before he marches straight into his death. Ellie plays solitaire at the table until she can't take it anymore.

"Going to bed," she mumbles, stacking up the dog-eared cards. "Don't feel good."

"Let us know if you need anything," Maria says. "Sleep tight."

Ellie lies awake in bed for hours, rolling over every time she thinks about the trip to Salt Lake City. Tommy and Maria eventually make their own way to bed, although they lie awake talking for a long time. It's kind of comforting, listening to the words Ellie can't quite discern. She figures it's probably similar to how it was in her mom's stomach: warm and dark, with the muffled sounds of conversations lulling Ellie to sleep. As she drifts off, the conversation turns to long sighs and creaky springs. Ellie is experienced enough to recognize the steady rhythm of their headboard bumping gently against the shared wall.

The longer the creaking continues, the more Ellie wakes back up and wishes she was the one having sex. Not with Tommy or Maria- gross! But if David was there, and not being a creepy motherfucker, she probably wouldn't say no to him. She slides her hand into her underwear. At first she tries to force herself to get turned on thinking about guys her own age. When that turns her on less than thinking about socks and canned bacon, she lets herself think about David. It's better, but it gives her such a gross, distressed feeling that she can't get properly heated up.

And then she fleetingly wonders what it would be like to have sex with Pilar. She imagines (a little guiltily) what it would be like to take Pilar's clothes off and kiss all over her perfect skin.

"Oh, _fuck_," Ellie breathes. She rubs herself frantically, trying to unlock whatever code is standing between her and that elusive orgasm. Her breath comes in quick huffs as she imagines Pilar's legs thrashing around while Ellie kneels under that solid desk and licks her. She just wants to make Pilar cum over and over again. Ellie is on the verge of wonderful insanity, but she can't quite figure out the hand movement or hit a thought perfect enough, or something. Her stupid body is so used to David's tongue and fingers that it just won't obey Ellie. That doesn't stop her from trying, though, even after she starts nodding off.

Ellie wakes up with her hand trapped in the elastic of her underwear. Tommy is banging on her bedroom door. Ellie sits up, still groggy from the sleep she didn't think she'd ever get.

"Come on, Ellie!" Tommy yells through the door. "We need to get goin'."

"I'm up!" Ellie shouts back. "I'm up, just give me a sec."

She hops out of bed, throws on her clothes, and fully packs her bag in less than a minute. When she bounds down the stairs, Maria is putting oatmeal in bowls. They scarf down breakfast, and then Tommy and Ellie saddle up their horses. Maria walks with them to the edge of town. She doesn't cry, but Ellie feels guilty just looking at her. When they reach the electric fence, Maria stands on tiptoe to kiss Tommy, and then walks over to Ellie and hugs her waist. "You be good for Tommy," she says. "Keep him safe."

"I will," Ellie promises.

"Here's something to keep you going," Maria hands Ellie a piece of paper that looks like it came from the sketchbook. "I know it's easier to keep pushing forward if you know what you're fighting for."

Ellie turns the paper over. It's the picture of Pilar from that first day Ellie met her. Maria cleaned up all the spare lines and stuff, though, and added shadows and shine to the right places.

"It's so fucking awesome." Ellie stares at it in awe. "Thanks, Maria. For everything. I'll try to bring Tommy back safe and sound."

Maria doesn't say anything. She just gives Ellie one last squeeze and then turns and walks back toward her house. Her fingers drag across Tommy's back as she passes them. And then the fence slides open, and Ellie trots out right behind Tommy. As the fence shuts back into place and starts humming again, Ellie looks over her shoulder. Maria is standing there with her arms crossed, watching the two of them ride into the sunrise.

They ride in silence for a while, which suits Ellie just fine for once. She and Tommy share yawns back and forth.

"So," Tommy finally says. "Salt Lake City."

"Yup," Ellie says.

"Never been there."

"Me neither."

They ride in silence again. Ellie yawns and rubs sleep out of her eyes.

"Beautiful day, huh?" Tommy says.

"Yeah. It's been really pretty lately."

"I like when it's nice and sunny like this. Hope it doesn't rain later."

"Yeah."

Tommy yawns. "So, when is your birthday, Ellie?"

"April seventeenth," Ellie says. "Whoa, I guess that's not far away. Maybe we'll be in Salt Lake City by then. Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Tommy says. "Just curious."

He goes quiet for a while. He looks like he's thinking hard, so Ellie doesn't bother him. After maybe a half hour of silence, he clears his throat again.

"You about ready for a break?"

"Yeah." Ellie tugs on her reins. "I need to get more water. And pee."

"Don't wander too far," Tommy warns.

Ellie grabs her empty water bottle from her backpack. "I have done this before, you know."

"Still."

"Okay, I will." She ties Callus to a tree and wanders down to the river. She fills her bottle with the icy water and then squats behind a tree, swearing as she splashes herself clean with the freezing water in her canteen. She pulls her pants up before refilling her bottle and dropping the iodine tablets in. She shakes her bottle all the way back up the hill.

When she gets back to the horses, Tommy is lying facedown on the ground.

"Holy shit." She drops down next to him and puts her fingers on his throat. She's pretty sure his heart is still beating, but it might be her own pulse in her fingers. He's got a big, bloody lump on the side of his head. She glances up, thinking he must have bumped his head on a branch or something.

Strong arms wrap around her neck and ribs, choking the air out of her.

"You're easy to track," David says into her ear. "How's it going, Ellie?"

_Shit, shit, shit!_ She kicks dirt up as she tries to pull her switchblade out of her pocket. David is faster. He grabs her knife out of her jeans and knocks it way out of reach. Her fingernails dig into the arm across her neck, trying to loosen it enough for her to breathe.

"I kind of hoped you'd be happier to see me," David says. "I went through hell looking for you, Ellie. Waited a long time for you to leave that town of yours. You're still so easy to sneak up on, pretty girl, you know that?"

Her grip on his arm goes slack as black and purple fireworks dance in front of her eyes. She feels herself falling, but she doesn't feel herself land. She opens her eyes a second later and coughs. Her front is pressed into the dirt, and David is on top of her back. A rock or a tree root or something is sticking painfully into her ribs. She wiggles her feet. Her shoes and jacket are off, her socks are wet, and her jeans and underwear are shoved down past her knees. Her forearms are stuck together behind her back, bound maybe in David's belt. David tugs the leathery binding on her crossed arms, testing it.

"That should hold you," he says. "Comfy, Ellie?"

Ellie squeezes her eyes shut while he smacks her bare ass a few times. "Dude, please untie me," she says. "You're really hurting my ribs and arms and shit. Not cool."

"You know what's not 'cool,' Ellie?" David rubs her bare bottom. "Saying goodbye in a letter. It wasn't even a letter- it was a note on a tiny scrap of paper. Didn't I deserve better than that, Ellie? After everything I did for you?"

"I'm sorry!" Ellie yells. "Jesus, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know what else to do. I know it was shitty, but it seemed like the best option. Quit spanking me already! I'm sorry!"

"Are you really sorry?"

"Yes! I'm really fucking sorry, all right?"

He finally stops.

"I've got a way for you to make amends," he says. He slides down her body until he's breathing hot air on the back of one of her thighs.

She tries to look over her shoulder, but her position is all wrong. All she can see is trees and mountains and clouds. David spreads her ass cheeks apart, and Ellie braces herself for him to do something awful, like stab her in the ass with his machete. She jumps when something hot and wet touches her exposed asshole, but it's only his tongue. He licks her a few times and then wiggles the tip of his tongue into the tight space. It doesn't hurt, but Ellie has a majorly bad feeling about what he plans to do next.

"Fuck," Ellie whispers. She wants to kick him off of her, but her legs are trapped underneath him and tangled in her jeans. "Hey, knock that off," she snaps.

He sticks two fingers into her pussy, and she doesn't have to taste his fingers this time to know she's wetter than usual down there. She hides her face in the dead leaves, trying to escape the embarrassment.

"You like that, huh, Ellie?" he wipes his hand on her shirt. "I figured you would. You're into all the same perverted shit I am. Of all the girls I've ever fucked, you definitely gave it up the easiest and came the most often. Your little ass is just begging to be fucked."

"No, it isn't," she says, squeezing her knees close together. "Just fuck me the normal way, okay?" She doesn't want him to fuck her at all, not when she's so freaked out, but he seems pretty determined to take her one way or another.

He strokes the back of her neck in a way that's almost loving. "I want to show you something new," he says. "If you relax and let me in, it'll be a little less painful."

Ellie tenses every muscle in her body, just to spite him. He forces his way in anyway, and the pain is so fucking bad Ellie sees spots again. She yelps and throws her body around, trying to writhe out from under him. It hurts so much she can't think straight; all she can do is scream and swear and try to kick him off of her. She elbows him in the ribs, which is mostly an accident, and he grabs her ponytail and smashes her face into the ground. He does it again, and again, and the fourth time he shoves her face into the rocks and tree roots, Ellie passes out before she can feel it.

She hears birds chirping and David's heavy breathing first. Then the pain hits her all at once, in her head and ribs and ass. She groans weakly into the dirt. She can't seem to catch her breath with him slamming into her at such a rough, uneven pace, and in her grogginess, she starts to cry. David kisses her shoulder.

"How does that feel?" he asks, stroking her hair. "Does that feel good for you?"

"I don't know," Ellie says through her teeth. "Is it in yet?"

"That's real funny, Ellie." He grabs hold of Ellie's ponytail again. "You're such a little _comedienne_. I'll be sad to run my machete through your pretty little breasts in a minute." He yanks her head back up, like he's going to smash her face down again.

Ellie whimpers. She immediately hates herself for it, but she can't stop herself, and she can't take it back once it's out. David gently lowers her head, petting her like a cat. Ellie finds a soft patch of dirt to rest her cheek on. Blood is dripping into her left eye, but with her hands tied up, she can't wipe it away. Her ass still hurts like fucking crazy, but her head hurts worse.

"You're so quiet, Ellie," David says. "But you're being so good. I should've tried slapping you around a little months ago. Maybe you wouldn't have run away and made me hurt you like this."

Ellie's nose starts to run, thanks to her stupid leaking eyes. Jesus, she just wants him to stab her in the heart and get it the fuck over with. She really wants to do something awful to him before he kills her. If there was any justice at all in the universe, she would be able to shit all over him and it would be so disgusting he would scream and run away. But she's already had three chances to poop since she woke up, so her body doesn't cooperate. She lies there like a rock instead, praying for death.

"Seems my little Ellie isn't enjoying herself," David says. "I don't want that. Not when you're behaving so well. Let me make it fun for you, too."

He wiggles his arm underneath her, his fingers finding the place he understands better than Ellie does. She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to block out everything he's doing, but his touch is incongruently gentle and her body is panicking even more than her brain. She's like a clicker, running on sound and touch and instinct.

"Mm," he says, pressing his nose into her neck. "You smell so sweet, Ellie."

"You smell like you haven't showered in a couple of weeks," Ellie retorts.

"Shh." He licks her neck. "Shh, no talking. Don't make me hurt you again, sweetheart. Just lie there and let me love you this one last time." He sticks his wet tongue in her ear, forcing a few strands of hair in. "Mm, I bet you'll taste so good, Ellie. Hope you have enough meat on you for a full meal. If you've got any special requests on how you want to be cooked, now's the time to tell me."

Ellie shudders, but she doesn't say anything. It's no fucking use. Talking either makes him creepier or more sadistic, and she's already way past her capacity for dealing with either. She lies there and tries to decide what dirt smells like, whether it smells more alive or dead. Tiny bugs crawl up her nose, but all she can do is cough and shake her head to try to knock them out.

The nightmare goes on forever, so long that the sun shines straight down through the leaves overhead. Ellie's panic dies and returns to life as shambling resignation. He's gonna kill her, and he's gonna doom the whole world, the selfish fucking bastard. She keeps checking in and out of reality. Do other planets have dirt and grass and trees like Earth? Are there any astronauts still up in space, safely away from the infection, like Ish on his boat? If so, do the astronauts keep trees on the space station to make new oxygen?

She drops back into her body. David is still fucking her ass, but now he's licking and nipping her shoulder blades. She wants to scream and crawl away and scratch off all her skin, but she's still tied up and his hand is still on her ponytail. She starts to check out again, to leave everything awful behind and join Daniela on her spaceship.

"Lighten up, Ellie." David scratches his fingers lightly over her side. "This is supposed to be fun. Let me hear that pretty laugh of yours."

"Stop!" Ellie squirms, trying not to laugh as his tickling becomes more intense. "Fuck, stop! Stop it, you motherfucking-haha! You motherfucking piece of shit!"

He seems to like the way it feels when she thrashes around with him still inside her. David tickles her until she's laughing and crying hysterically at the same time, too winded to even beg him to quit tickling her. He finally stops, but Ellie can't stop crying for a while, even after she halfway catches her breath. She finally gets control of herself and snorts all the snot back into her throat. She'd rather blow the mucus all over David's hand or face, but she doesn't think he'll give her the opportunity, and she doesn't want to spend the last thirty minutes of her life stuffed up or covered in her own snot.

"Why are you doing this?" she asks with one last nose-clearing sniff. "Why are you fucking doing this to me?"

"I'm just trying to make you feel good one last time before I stick you on a spit." He wiggles his fingers down her side. "I figure you deserve one last good dicking before you go. Come on, Ellie, tickle tickle!"

Her orgasm catches her completely by surprise. It bursts out of her without permission, like her laughter every time he tickles her. Her legs twitch, her toes dig themselves into the dirt, and her breathing speeds up for a few seconds. Her body shakes, but she keeps quiet. David chuckles, dashing her hopes that he might not have noticed.

"Good girl, Ellie," he says, petting the back of her head like she's a fucking dog. "That's a good girl. I told you'd like taking it up the ass. How about a 'thank you'?"

She doesn't say anything. He shoves her shirt up past her shoulders, still inside her. The belt loosens around her arms.

"You're being rude, Ellie," he says. "Say, 'Thank you for the orgasm and the nice assfuck, David.'"

"Fuck you!" she says. "I'm not saying anything like that, you fucking piece-of-shit pedophile!"

"Oh, I see how it is." The tip of his machete slices a thin line through the skin on Ellie's back.

She grinds her teeth together, refusing to let on how much it hurts. He draws another line right next to it, then another, and then another.

"I took good care of you, Ellie." He draws a diagonal line through the previous cuts. "You were always an ungrateful little brat about it." He draws another straight line a finger's width away from his last mark. He fucks her gently so he can cut his careful lines into her skin.

"You're such a fucking liar!" Ellie says into the dirt.

"What did I ever lie about, Ellie?"

"About taking me to Salt Lake City." Her voice cracks up a little. "About loving me."

"You've got me on Salt Lake City." His machete scratches her skin open again. "I couldn't stand the idea of losing you. But loving you? Oh, Ellie. Don't you dare tell me that I didn't love you. I loved you more than I've loved anyone else in a long, long time."

"More than all the other little girls you've tortured and raped and killed?"

"None of them were as spirited and exciting as you, survival girl. You were something special."

"Yeah, I bet you told all of them that."

"I loved you so much." David sighs. "You would've had such a good life if you'd just stayed where you were supposed to."

Ellie doesn't answer. David keeps carving into her back.

"Seventeen times," he says. "Does that sound about right? No, wait- eighteen. There we go."

"Eighteen what?" Ellie asks into the dirt.

"Eighteen sexy little orgasms I gave you."

"How do you even remember all of that?!"

"I have a very, very good memory. I don't forget anything, Ellie."

"Fine. Are you almost done?" she asks flatly.

He just laughs.

Ellie groans and tries to distract herself. Daniela. Space. Trees. Trees in space. Ellie sneaks into a Star Fighter and zooms around, shooting all the bad guys in fiery explosions. She stays just close enough to Earth to mutter something decent whenever David talks to her, but he's not doing too much talking anymore. He's too busy rocking back and forth on top of her back, which is now pretty slippery from her hot blood dripping everywhere.

He finally stops moving around, and the way he twitches inside of her makes Ellie want to puke. He rolls her over and straddles her stomach, one hand on her neck. He doesn't even bother zipping up his jeans. He rubs the tip of the machete over her left breast, searching for a gap in her ribcage. Ellie grabs his hand, her whole body going crazy. She doesn't want to die! She can't die yet!

"David," she croaks. "Please... don't..."

"What's this?" He loosens his grip a little. "Is my Ellie actually begging? I figured you were too proud for that. What's the matter, pretty girl? Are you scared?"

"No, I'm... pregnant," she says. It comes out of nowhere, and she's at least as surprised as he is once it's hanging between them.

He hesitates, the muscles in his arms relaxing a little. Ellie reaches up and touches the wrinkles around his eyes. He flinches, and she can tell he's thinking about grabbing her hands, but she forces her whole body to relax so he doesn't suspect anything.

"That kind of sounds like bullshit," he says, but he can't seem to kill her until he knows for sure. "Maybe you were pregnant when you got to that town, but I can guarantee you're not now."

"No, I am, I swear!" Ellie babbles. "Becca convinced me to leave, when she was dying, because she wanted me to be somewhere with doctors. I only figured it out, like, that morning, I swear. And the doctor down in that little town I was staying in this week, she confirmed it. You can ask her! Or, or, or-" Shit, Ellie doesn't know what she's talking about.

"They didn't give you an abortion?"

"No, they didn't have that kind of technology," Ellie says, swallowing hard. "They said that the Fireflies would be my best bet, whether I wanted an abortion or... to keep it. They said that they would have, they would have-" Shit, what was the word? "That they would have ultrasounds and shit, at the Firefly hospital."

"Ultrasounds?" David pauses.

"Yes!" Ellie says, trying not to sigh in relief. "They said it shows a picture of the baby inside your stomach, but without cutting you open or anything. They said you can see whether the baby is a boy or a girl."

"That's right." His hand massages Ellie's belly, just above her curly hair down below. "I don't imagine a kid your age would have heard about ultrasound machines unless a doctor told you."

"See? We thought, like, if I have immunity, maybe the baby will, too," Ellie says. She keeps waiting for him to call her bullshit. "So Tommy and I were going to the Fireflies, so they could do tests and... and me and the baby, we'd be extra safe. I just didn't want to die like Becca, okay?" She lets herself cry again, although she's not positive it will actually do anything. "It was really fucking scary to watch her have the baby and then die, and I didn't want to go like that. So if you really want the world to lose its only shot at a vaccine, and you really want to kill your baby, go ahead and stab me, motherfucker!"

Something works. He rubs the raised red welts where the belt dug into her arms. He kisses her forehead, stroking her cheek with his thumb. She realizes that her back is on fire from the dirt getting packed into her cut-up back. It doesn't matter, though; he's not knifing her through the stomach just yet.

"Why didn't you say so to start with?" he asks, caressing her face like she's his grown-up lover.

"You didn't give me a fucking chance!" Her hand massages his machete arm, willing it to relax. "You just started beating the shit out of me until I stopped talking."

"I'm sorry, Ellie," he murmurs. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn't have hurt you like that. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Let me make it all better, Ellie."

The machete clatters to the ground. Both of his hands cradle the back of her neck as he kisses her lips. She sticks her tongue into his gross mouth, trying to distract him. His hands slide under head, massaging the places he hurt her. He doesn't even notice her grabbing the machete until she slips it into his gut. He gasps into her mouth and tries to grab his machete from her, but she holds on tight to it.

She twists the blade and then pulls it out, stabbing it into him again and again. It's only fair, since he did basically the same thing to her except with his dick.

"God, you are so fucking stupid!" she sceams. Stab, stab, stab. "You stupid, fucking, stupid dickhead!"

He coughs blood all over her face and then falls on top of her. Ellie freezes for a second, and then she's frantically kicking and punching her way out from under him. His hot blood is gushing out all over her, and his rattling breath is so loud in her right ear.

"Fuck!" she gasps. She gives him one last kick and then manages to squirm out from under him.

She scrambles onto her feet, holding onto the machete for dear life. David crawls an inch toward her, holding his hand up to her in a pleading gesture.

"Stay back!" Ellie says. "Stay the fuck away from me!"

"Ellie," he gasps. "Ellie, wait. I never wanted to hurt you..." He pulls himself up to her feet and tries to cling to her ankle.

"I told you to stay the fuck away from me!" Ellie kicks him in the face.

While he's holding his bloody mouth, Ellie digs through his pack. She tucks Becca's atlas pages back into her pocket, followed by a pair of her dirty underwear she'd given up on ever finding. She finally finds what she's looking for- a first aid kit. She stuffs gauze into the bottle of alcohol like Joel showed her and then uses David's lighter to set the tip of the fabric ablaze. She steps back three paces and then chucks the Molotov at David. It shatters on him, sending fire snaking all over his body.

Ellie stands there and watches David twist and writhe as he burns to death. The machete in her hand drips his blood on the moss. She should feel guilty for killing him, or at least for denying him his dying wish of letting someone eat his corpse, but she doesn't. Right then, all she feels is relieved as fuck.

"Holy. Fucking. Shit."

Ellie had totally forgotten about Tommy until just then. She turns around. He's slowly sitting up and holding the side of his head that got beat up, staring at her like she's a clicker. She looks down. She's wearing her two blood-soaked shirts and no pants, socks, or underwear. Her white legs are caked with blood, and bits of David are sticking to her top shirt. Every muscle in her body quivers like the really tall grass in Iowa.

"Are you okay?" Tommy asks.

Her brain is too busy processing what just happened to bother with stupid shit like understanding speech. "Huh?" she asks.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great," she says, and then she collapses on her hands and knees and pukes up everything in her stomach.

"Shit," Tommy says. He wobbles over to her and squats down in front of her. "Jesus, this looks bad. Show me where he knifed you so I can get you patched up."

"He didn't." She wipes her mouth with her bloody sleeve, and she's not sure that's an improvement over having puke on her chin.

"What?"

"He didn't stab me with the machete," she says. "None of this is my blood."

"You sure?"

She nods. Tommy runs his fingers through his hair like he's trying to figure out what to do.

"Okay," he says. "Okay, that's good. Can you walk to that stream over there? Let's get you cleaned up real quick."

He touches her shoulder, and it's way too intimate given that her lower half is hanging out exposed and in the open. She pushes his hand away.

"Get your fucking hands off of me!"

"Okay, not touching," he says, holding both hands up. "Where are your pants, Ellie? Where's your backpack?"

Ellie doesn't remember answering him or getting dressed, but she finds herself fully clothed and struggling onto Callus' back. She lands in the saddle like usual, but the pain almost makes her fall off the horse.

"God fucking dammit!" she cries, hugging Callus' neck to relieve some of the pressure on her ass. "That fucking hurts! Jesus."

"We're not that far away," Tommy says. "Just follow me, okay?"

"Okay," she says. "Lead the way."

They're partway down the trail when Ellie zones back into Earth affairs. "Shit!" She grabs Callus' reins. "Shit, I forgot my backpack! We have to go back!"

Tommy's forehead wrinkles up. "I got your backpack right here." He pats the bag. "Just relax, Ellie. We'll be back before..."

Ellie's already drifting into her daydreams again. She rests her cheek against the horse's mane, and the next thing she's aware of is the creak of the electric fence being wheeled open.


	20. Chapter 20

Ellie hides in Daniela's control room until someone tries to pull her off of Callus. She panics and kicks them in the face, and then realizes that she's safely inside Maria's town, in front of the stables. The person she kicked in the face was the guy who took her to Maria's house that first morning she stumbled into town with Callus.

"Shit, sorry!" she says. "Oh, shit..."

The guy is already running inside, clutching his bloody nose.

"Easy there, Ellie," Maria says, approaching Ellie with both hands up. "I won't let anyone hurt you in here. No need to kick my friends in the teeth."

"It was an accident," Ellie snaps. "I didn't know it was him."

"I know, sweetie." Maria offers Ellie her hands. "Let me help you down."

"I'm fine." Ellie ignores her and tries to climb off Callus by herself. Her sore ass and her shaky legs send her flying off the horse and into Maria. "Shit!"

"I've got you," Maria grunts, lowering Ellie to her feet. "You're okay, Ellie. There we go."

Ellie pulls away as soon as she's steady on her feet. She clings to Callus, sending out vibes to everyone to stay the fuck away from her. It seems to work, because Maria leaves her and goes to talk to Tommy. Ellie pretends to be untangling Callus' mane while she listens.

"What the hell happened out there, Tommy?" Maria touches the lump on Tommy's head.

"I don't know. I must've got knocked out. I woke up, and she was mostly naked and covered in blood and standing over this guy while he burned alive."

"Was it the jackass from the cannibal town?" Maria asks. "The pedophile who thought Ellie was his girlfriend?"

"That's my guess, but I don't know." Tommy lowers his voice. "Look, I ain't sure what happened before I woke up, but... Did you see the way she was staring off into space a minute ago? She was like that the whole ride back. You ask her a question when she's like that, and she either ignores you or mumbles something like she's talking in her sleep. Whatever that fucker did to her, it was real bad. She's got me pretty worried about her, Maria."

"I'll take care of her," Maria says. "But you've gotta take care of yourself for a while, okay? That bump looks awful. I want you to get to Doc Freeman's as soon as you talk to the patrol and get the horses settled."

"Yes, Ma'am." Tommy pulls her into a quick hug and then releases her. "I'm so happy to see you again, I could go to Doc Freeman's in a second if it would make you happy. I'll get there soon."

"You'd better." Maria turns around and, seeing Ellie staring at her, smiles. "Hey, Ellie. You okay, kiddo?"

Ellie shivers. "Can we go home? I just want a shower and then a nap."

"Sure," Maria says. "I think we can manage a shower and a nap before too long. You okay leaving Callus and your backpack with Tommy for a while?"

Ellie nods and follows along. She only realizes they're headed to Dr. Freeman's once they're near the front door- when it's too late to turn and run.

"I don't need a doctor," she says, crossing her arms.

"Those cuts on your face say otherwise."

Ellie touches her cheek and winces. She can't remember how her cheek got split open, but it really fucking hurts. "I'll be okay," she says. "I'm sure as fuck not taking my clothes off again."

"Fine," Maria says. "You won't have to. Just let Pilar stitch up your face, okay?"

Ellie doesn't really want Pilar to see her like this, but at the same time, the idea of Pilar taking care of her makes her feel more relaxed.

"Okay," she says.

Maria opens the door and pokes her head in, holding Ellie back. "Hey, Pilar?" she calls. "I need your doctoring skills for Ellie. Any chance you can get her straight into a room?"

Ellie hears Pilar say something in a concerned voice.

"I think it looks worse than it actually is, but we don't want to worry anyone," Maria answers. "Thanks, Pilar."

A minute later, Maria ushers Ellie through the office and into an exam room. Ellie doesn't get a chance to notice if the family in the waiting room is staring at her or not before she's in the exam room. It's a different one than before, but the stuff in it is pretty much the same.

Pilar comes in a moment later with a tray of medical supplies. She fumbles and almost drops them when she sees Ellie.

"Oh my God, Ellie!" She frowns. "What happened?"

As tired and traumatized as Ellie is, it's still good to see Pilar. She forces a smile, stretching her cracked lip.

"If you think I look bad, you should see the other guy," she jokes.

Pilar doesn't smile. "No, seriously," she says. "What happened?"

"Ellie had a little run-in with an old friend," Maria says. "But it's okay, because he's good and dead now. Can you patch up her face for her?"

Pilar pours rubbing alcohol on a piece of gauze. "I'll do my best," she says. "Sorry, Ellie, this will sting."

Ellie flinches a little as Pilar dabs at her cuts, but the heat seeping off Pilar's skin soothes most of the pain. She barely even notices when Pilar threads black string into a needle and drags it through the alcohol. Ellie's just glad that she's too physically and emotionally drained to talk, because her instinct is to start babbling about how she's totally fine and how she doesn't want Pilar to worry and how she's really sorry if she looks super gross or smells like sex. Instead, Ellie just sort of slumps onto her own lap and lets Pilar do her doctoring thing.

"Hold still," Pilar says, holding up the needle attached to the dripping, thick thread. "This won't be fun."

Ellie swears as the needle stabs through the already-painful skin on her forehead. Pilar does it a few more times, pulling the thread taut (and Ellie's skin along with it). Maria offers Ellie her hands, and Ellie squeezes them so hard she's afraid she might leave bruises. When Pilar is finished, she moves on to a gash on Ellie's cheek, and then she disinfects a cut near Ellie's lip.

"Better, right?" Pilar says as she snips the thread. "It might not even leave a scar. Is there anywhere else you're hurt, Ellie?"

Ellie shakes her head so hard she almost throws out the new stitches. "I'm fine." She lets go of Maria's hands. "Thanks for fixing my face, Pilar. Can I go now?"

Maria shrugs. "If you insist. Thank you, Pilar."

Pilar purses her lips as Ellie peels herself out of her chair and limps out of the room, but she doesn't say anything. The waiting room is empty, thankfully, as Ellie wobbles past it. She wanders down the street, lost in thought, and then stops suddenly in front of the old church. She doesn't remember how she got there, and she can't remember how to get to Maria's house from there. She rests her forehead on the tall fence and covers her head with her arms.

"What are we doing here?" Maria asks.

"I don't know," Ellie says, not moving her arms. "I'm lost. Everything fucking hurts and I can't remember how to get home."

"It's this way," Maria says, pointing to the right. "Want me to take you there?"

Ellie nods and offers Maria her hand. Maria doesn't seem to care that Ellie's covered in dirt and sweat and blood and probably jizz. She just squeezes Ellie's hand and then leads her away from the church.

When they end up on Maria's porch, Ellie has absolutely no memory of walking there. She stomps her boots on the welcome mat and then takes them off in the hall. Her socks are still soaked and covered in mud, so she takes them off too. She doesn't want to get Maria's well-scrubbed floors all dirty.

"You mentioned you wanted a shower?" Maria locks the front door behind them. "We should have plenty of hot water, since it's close to lunch time. "

"Thanks, but I don't think I have energy right now." Ellie scratches flakes of dried mud off her arm. "Will you be mad if I lie on your couch like this?"

"Of course not."

Ellie sinks down on the couch with a hiss of breath. "Ow, fuck! I should have just let him kill me."

"Hush," Maria says sharply. "Don't ever talk like that. What can I do to make it better?"

"Tea," Ellie says. "Tea, and like... morphine, maybe."

"I'll see what we've got," Maria says, tossing a quilt onto Ellie's lap. "Lie down and get comfortable."

Ellie does the weird time-warp thing again, and when she pokes her head out of the time-stream, Maria is putting a warm mug in one of Ellie's hands and two white pills in the other. Ellie tosses the pills onto her tongue without asking what they are. She gulps them down with Maria's strong herbal tea. There's even plenty of sugar stirred into it. It makes all of Ellie's senses so happy that every feeling she's been holding back-good and bad- tries to burst out of her eyes. She closes them and takes another sip of tea.

"Good stuff," she says, her voice cracking. "Just needs booze to be perfect."

"I figured it might be a bad idea to mix Vicodin and alcohol, or I would've poured some in," Maria says. "You feel like talking about what happened?"

"There's not much to talk about," Ellie says.

"Please? You've got me assuming the worst here."

"Fine." Ellie rubs her finger along the rim of the mug. "What do you want to know?"

"Was that David? Out in the woods?"

"Yeah, David found me. He knocked out Tommy, and then he... he, um, got what he wanted from me, I guess. I told him a while ago that I would kill him if he ever stuck anything in my ass again, so I was kind of obligated to stab him and set him on fire. You know, gotta keep my word. And I guess that's about it."

"Jesus, Ellie." Maria puts her hand on her forehead. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's no big deal," Ellie says. "Like you said, he was a creeper. I won't lose too much sleep over killing him."

"That wasn't what I was sorry about."

"Huh?"

"I'm not sorry you killed him," Maria says. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop him from raping you and beating the shit out of you in the first place."

Ellie goes quiet for a minute, going over the details she remembers. Big chunks are already gone, like one of the coverless textbooks she used to read for school but then forget before her eyes even reached the next page. She just has blobs of pictures and feelings and smells and sounds that make sense but don't really add up to a whole story.

"I don't think what he did really counts as rape," she finally says.

Maria's forehead wrinkles. "How the hell would it not be?"

"I never actually told him 'no' or anything," Ellie says. "He surprised me and I forgot to tell him I didn't want to have sex with him. I didn't fight it at all. Actually, I think I even told him to get it over with and that I wanted him to fuck me the normal way. Yeah, I think I did. So... yeah. I mean, it was shitty of him, but it definitely wasn't rape or anything."

"Then why did he mess up your face like that?"

"I don't know, okay?" Ellie presses the back of her frozen hand against the warm porcelain mug. "I can't remember pretty much anything that's happened to me all day. I don't remember where Callus is. I don't remember how I got to your house. I don't remember you leaving me to go make tea a second ago. So seriously, believe me when I say I have no fucking clue why David did any of the fuckshit he did."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not." Ellie takes a gulp of tea. "I hate the five seconds I do remember. I feel like total shit every time I think about it. What I mostly remember is David being on top of me and me being like, 'What the fuck, dude?!', and then him fucking me in the ass and it hurting so fucking bad that I kept crying and daydreaming about being an astronaut just to hold it together. I'm such a goddamn baby."

"God, Ellie..." Maria takes the folded quilt off Ellie's lap and shakes it open, draping it around Ellie's shoulders. "You know, you're the last person I'd ever describe as a baby. I bet if the shit he did made you cry, it probably would've made anyone else pass out."

Ellie shrugs. "Nah, it wasn't that bad." It wasn't that bad, and yet talking about it feels like all her nails got too long at once and then all got bent back on themselves by a brick. She wants to go back to forgetting everything, but she also wants to keep talking to Maria. She sighs. "I keep thinking that maybe I killed him because he was right and it made me mad. I mean, he made me cum while he was fucking me. I must have wanted it and not realized it, right?"

"I don't think it works like that," Maria says. "I think orgasms are kind of like a reflex. Seems more like laughing when you get tickled."

Ellie suddenly remembers how David tickled her, and she has to grab onto the arm of the couch to keep from falling off.

"You okay?" Maria asks.

"Yeah," Ellie says. "Just remembering shit."

Maria says something, but it's drowned out by David's voice in Ellie's head.

_"This is supposed to be fun. Let me hear that pretty laugh of yours."_

Ellie takes a deep, shuddering breath and shuts her eyes.

_"I figure you deserve one last good dicking before you go. Come on, Ellie, tickle tickle!"_

Ellie shoves her mug onto the coffee table, not wanting to break it in her sudden fit of dizziness.

_"You're into all the same perverted shit I am. Of all the girls I've ever fucked, you definitely gave it up the easiest and came the most often. Your little ass is just begging to be fucked."_

She curls up against the couch armrest, her back to Maria. She tries to shut the memories back off, but they keep attacking.

_"That's a good girl. I told you'd like taking it up the ass. How about a 'thank you'? You're being rude, Ellie. Say, 'Thank you for the orgasm and the nice assfuck, David.'"_

"Just breathe normally, Ellie," Maria is saying. "Shh, come on back home, kiddo. You're okay. Snap out of it."

Ellie doesn't understand what Maria's talking about until she hears herself wheezing and whimpering. Her heart is beating faster than it did the first time she saw a clicker. Her bloody hands are clawing at the fabric on the armrest like she'll get sucked into space if she doesn't hold on.

"I feel like I'm gonna pass out," Ellie gasps.

"You're not," Maria assures her. "Take a huge breath and hold it for a second."

Ellie sucks in the biggest breath she can manage and then holds it until her bruised ribs crackle. She exhales all at once, and her heart rate drops back down.

"Fuck!" she says between deep, slowing breaths. "I don't know what happened."

"You need anything?" Maria asks.

"Yeah, will you help me get in the shower?"

"Of course." Maria pulls Ellie back onto her feet. "Easy does it."

Ellie is too exhausted to even take her own coat off. She stares at her reflection in the bathroom mirror while Maria helps her undress. Ellie doesn't recognize her own face. More of it is bruised and bloody than not. There's a huge bruise over one eyebrow, spreading out from the stitches and pooling an ugly purple around her eyelid, her cheek, even part of her nose. The black threads holding together the skin on her forehead and cheek are congealed with blood. Her lips are chapped, and a dark red scab extends from her lower lip. No wonder Pilar had seemed so upset.

Maria gets Ellie down to her underwear and her soft boys' undershirt and then stops.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Ellie," she says. "Your shirt is completely stuck to you. What happened to your back?"

"Um." Ellie stares at the shower curtain's reflection. The curtain used to be bright blue, but now it's kind of faded and held together with duct tape. "Shit, yeah, I forgot. He cut the hell out of my back. How the fuck did I forget that? I'm going crazy..."

"It's okay, Ellie." Maria takes a pair of scissors out of a drawer.

"Whoa, no, it's not okay," Ellie says. "And you can't cut up my shirt!"

"It's ruined," Maria says. "There's more blood than shirt. Besides, I don't want to hurt you trying to take it off."

"No, it's fine," Ellie says. "Just turn the water on and it'll... you know. It'll do the water thing."

Maria shrugs and turns the water on and helps Ellie step in once it's warm. Ellie leans against the cool tile wall while Maria starts massaging soap into Ellie's scalp. As the water soaks the T-shirt, it eventually starts to loosen its grip on Ellie's scabbed-over back. Maria wrestles off the shirt, along with what feels like most of Ellie's skin.

"Jesus!" Ellie hisses.

"Sorry."

"No, thanks for taking it off, just... ow."

"I know," Maria says. "Lean your head forward so the soap doesn't run down your back."

Ellie bends her head down like Maria instructed. It feels so nice to have someone wash her hair for her that she kind of wants to stay in the shower forever. She can't remember anyone ever washing her hair for her, even though someone _must_ have helped her do it when she was a little kid. She sighs. She and Joel should have fucking stayed here instead of chasing after the Fireflies.

Maria rubs her wet hand over the back of Ellie's soapy neck, wiping the suds away before they can sting her back. "Hey Ellie?"

"Hm?"

"I know you keep saying what happened wasn't rape, but I was just wondering... if it'd happened to me, or to Pilar, or to anyone else you cared about, would you be upset?"

The thought of David bashing Maria's face into the ground or climbing onto Pilar's back makes Ellie want to crawl under a bed somewhere and cry. She puts both hands on the tiled wall and takes a deep, shaky breath.

"Yeah," Ellie says. "Just thinking about it makes me feel like puking."

"That's kind of how I feel right now," Maria says. "About you."

"I'm sorry," Ellie says.

"No, no, you're not supposed to be sorry. I'm not telling you to make you feel sorry. I'm telling you so you know where I'm coming from."

"Huh?"

"I'm trying to ask... if David did those same things to me or Pilar, and we reacted the same way you did, would it be rape?"

Ellie honestly doesn't even have to think the question over. "Yeah," she says. "Yeah, I would definitely call it rape then."

"How come?"

Ellie shrugs. "I guess I would give you the benefit of the doubt, that you fought him and said no and everything."

"But what if you knew we didn't? What if Pilar told you that she didn't fight him or say no? What would you tell her if she was in your shower, convinced that it wasn't rape because she had an orgasm while it was happening?"

Ellie goes quiet. She tries to picture washing Pilar's hair, being as careful as Maria to avoid getting soap in the cuts fucking up her beautiful back and face. The thought makes Ellie want to scream and break all the things. She takes a deep breath. Honestly, if David had even just climbed on top of Pilar while she was hurt and passed-out drunk, Ellie would've killed him a long time ago. But does that mean Ellie's been letting him get away with raping her since that first time? She hugs her arms around herself.

"I would tell her not to beat herself up over any of it," she finally says. "Especially 'cause it looks like someone already beat her up. I would tell her that the orgasm was just David's way of hijacking her body like the Cordyceps, just his way of fucking with her head like usual. And I would tell her that she shouldn't..." Ellie wrinkles her forehead to force the tears back. "She shouldn't feel bad about what happened in the woods, or in his bed, or-" She stops again to regain her composure. "Basically, she shouldn't feel bad for killing him, but she shouldn't feel bad for not killing him sooner, either."

"So, do I have to repeat all of that back to you, or are you gonna take your own advice?" Maria asks. "Because all of that is true, and you should listen to your own smartness."

Ellie lets out a few tears to relieve some pressure, and she finds herself crying so hard she can barely breathe and her arms go numb. She sinks down to the floor of the shower, only staying attached to reality through the warm spray of water on her left side.

"Let it all out," Maria says, kneeling in front of the tub. "You've been through some seriously hellish things today, and you'll feel better if you just cry it all out."

Ellie cries so hard she can't talk for a while. When she catches half a breath, she sobs, "I'm so fucking dumb! I really thought he was gonna help me! I'm so fucking stupid, Jesus! You and Tommy probably laugh at me when I'm not around, because I'm so stupid."

"No way." Maria climbs into the shower with Ellie, still wearing her button-up shirt and jeans and socks. "You know what we say about you? We say that you're one tough, smart, fun kid."

Ellie shakes her head. "That's bullshit. I've been lied to by grownups my entire fucking life. I know you're just lying to try to make me feel better."

"I'm not lying." Maria sits cross-legged next to Ellie on the tub floor. "We talk about how badass it is that you made it back here by yourself, and how we like having you stay with us, and how we wish you could've been our kid."

"I wish-" Ellie hiccups. "I wish I was your kid too. Especially because then I probably wouldn't be immune, and I could stay here forever instead of going to Salt Lake City."

"Hey, I've got good news for you on that front," Maria says with a little smile. "You could stay here forever anyway. The nice thing about living out here is that you don't have to go anywhere you don't want to, immune or not."

"I'm just so fucking tired," Ellie cries. "Like, I keep fighting and walking and getting good people hurt or killed, and it never stops. I never get to the Fireflies before they move somewhere else. I'm scared I'll spend my entire life chasing them down and die of old age before I ever make it!" She swipes at her runny nose with the back of her hand. "I know I need to get back on my fucking horse and try to get to Salt Lake City again, but... can I just pretend for a little bit that you really are my mom and I never have to leave? Just for a little bit?"

"Sure," Maria says, opening up her arms. "Pretend as long as you want, honey."

Ellie drags herself onto Maria's lap and puts her arms around her neck. She barely even notices that she's still naked and she's as wet and straggly as a drowned rat. Maria rocks Ellie back and forth under the warm water, stroking her hair and ears, and it's literally the best thing Ellie has ever felt. It's better than all the warm boots, soft beds, and uneasy orgasms in the world combined. Ellie rests the least sore part of her cheek on Maria's shoulder and weeps into the wet flannel shirt, grabbing big chunks of fabric in her hands. She fights her tongue and lips, forcing them to blurt out the name she's never been allowed to call anyone.

"Mom!" she chokes out. "Mom, it hurts so much..."

"I know, but it's gonna be okay," Maria says into Ellie's ear. "Everything is gonna heal and get better. As long as you're here, I won't let anybody hurt you, Ellie. You got that? You're good and safe here."

Ellie nods and suddenly yawns. Maria starts humming a nice little song while she rocks Ellie back and forth. Before Ellie knows it, her grip on Maria's shirt is relaxing, and her wet eyes don't want to stay open.

She wakes up to Maria turning off the shower. While Ellie tries to figure out when she dozed off, Maria pats her dry and then wraps a huge towel around Ellie.

"Let's get you tucked into bed," Maria says. "Is that okay?"

Ellie nods. Clutching the huge towel around her shoulders, she lets a similarly-dripping Maria lead her back to her bedroom. Maria pulls back the blanket, and then, once Ellie climbs in on her side, she pulls it up to Ellie's neck and tucks the blanket in around Ellie.

"Good night," Maria says. "I hope you feel better when you wake up."

"Will you kiss my head?" Ellie murmurs.

"What?"

"It's a thing moms do," Ellie says. "In books and stuff, they kiss people on the head when they tuck them in at night. Right? Or is that just a myth?"

"No, it is a thing moms do." Maria kisses Ellie's forehead, just above the stitches. "Good night, my sweet little Ellie. Sleep tight."

"Good night," Ellie says. She yawns, and her face settles back into a sleepy smile. She doesn't remember until right before she falls asleep again that she'll be leaving Maria and her safe haven as soon as she can ride Callus again.


	21. Chapter 21

Ellie wakes up in a panic. David is cutting on her back again. She doesn't know how or why, but somehow she just dreamed everything about Maria, and she's still lying on her stomach in the woods under David. Her body goes limp, and she makes a weak whine like an injured dog.

"Shh, honey, it's me," Maria says.

Ellie is worried it's too good to be true. "No, David-"

"It's just me, Ellie," Maria says. "I was worried about your back getting infected."

Ellie strains her neck to look over her shoulder, and sure enough, Maria is sitting next to her with a bottle of alcohol in one hand and a damp cloth in the other. Ellie falls back into her pillow. She starts shaking so hard her teeth chatter. Maria pulls the blanket back up to Ellie's shoulders.

"Don't fucking wake me up like that!" Ellie says into her pillow. "You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm sorry," Maria says. "I was just trying to take care of you."

Lying on her stomach, even in a soft bed wearing a clean pair of cotton pajama pants (which she doesn't actually remember owning, much less putting on), is too much for Ellie. She rolls onto her side, facing the wall.

"You can finish," Ellie says. "I just couldn't handle waking up like that. Or lying on my stomach. It's... it made me feel like I was back there, in the woods. I don't know the word for it."

"Triggering?" Maria offers, taping more gauze across Ellie's back.

Ellie ponders the suggestion. "Yeah," she finally says. "I guess so." She glances over her shoulder at Maria and realizes it's either still daylight, or else it's daylight again. "Hey, what time is it?" Ellie asks.

"About dinner time," Maria says. "You slept for around six hours."

"Jesus," Ellie says.

"You needed sleep. Feel any better?"

Ellie stretches her legs out. "Better in some ways, worse in others. My ass really fucking hurts. I'm not looking forward to the next time I have to poop. Maybe I just won't eat for a few days."

"I can ask Doc Freeman to make a house call for you." Maria rubs some kind of gel on Ellie's lower back. "Pilar could come hold your hands and compliment your muscles while the doc takes care of you."

"No!" Ellie curls back up at the thought of getting her ass examined with Pilar in the room. "No, I don't want Pilar to see me like this."

"I see. Well, offer still stands. Say the word and I'll run and get Doc Freeman to come take care of you. No Pilar."

"I'm good for now, thanks." Ellie wiggles her feet against the super-soft sheets. "What does my back say, anyway?"

"You don't want to know," Maria says.

"Yeah, I know I don't want to know, but tell me anyway," Ellie says. "It's my back. I have a right to know."

Maria sighs. "It says, 'XOXO, David.' And then the bottom part is a bunch of tally marks."

"Fuck!" Ellie says, trying not to cry again. "Fuck, shit, goddammit! What does XOXO even mean?"

"Hugs and kisses," Maria says.

"Fuck!" Ellie presses hard on her eyelids. "This is all my fault. I'm so fucking stupid."

"You're not," Maria says. "Stupid people don't tend to stay alive very long anymore. What makes you say that?"

"I gave him mixed messages!" Ellie says. "I didn't mean to say 'Hugs and kisses' in my goodbye note! I just thought it was, you know, what you put instead of those finishing words."

"Aha," Maria says. "And if you'd just said, like, 'Warm Regards, Ellie,' you think that would have prevented him from coming after you?"

"I don't know. But that wasn't the message I meant to send. Fuck..."

"It doesn't matter." Maria tears off a strip of tape. "He's dead, and you're alive, and that's all I care about. How are you holding up?"

"I feel like someone ran over my body and my emotions with a truck," Ellie says. "In the two minutes I've been awake, I keep having these intense mood swings I don't understand. One second I hate David and I wish I'd cut his dick off before setting him on fire, and then the next second I kind of miss him and feel guilty for killing him. And then the NEXT second I hate myself for ever trusting him and letting him do those things to me in the first place. Pretty stupid, huh?"

"Sounds normal enough," Maria says. "You gotta remember, Ellie- if you wouldn't think Pilar was stupid for saying something, I'm not gonna think you're stupid for saying it. I've gotten kind of attached to you, kiddo."

Ellie's throat feels like it has a huge bite of mashed potatoes stuck in it. "Thanks."

"Are you gonna want dinner?" Maria rubs more ointment onto Ellie's back. "I decided to throw something on the stove, since you and Tommy are both hurt and laid up for a while. It's nothing fancy, just some venison stew."

The thought of eating deer meat reminds Ellie too much of David. She swallows burning stomach acid back down and shakes her head. "I'm good, thanks."

Ellie lies there for a while, enjoying Maria's touch. It's not a sensual, tickling touch like David's. It feels safe, protective, nurturing. If Pilar has the hands of a doctor, Maria has the hands of a soldier. She might not have medic training, but Maria knows how to patch up a fellow warrior after a particularly brutal fight, and she could do it all while using herself as a shield and shooting down enemy helicopters. Ellie imagines the two of them wearing those helmets from World War One that look like turtle shells, crouched in a trench somewhere while Maria bandages up Ellie's back.

"I still can't believe you took him down by yourself," Maria says, sticking one last piece of tape on Ellie's back and pulling the sheet up to Ellie's neck. "I mean, I can believe it because it's you, but Tommy said he was about twice your size. You must have some wicked skills with that machete."

"I told him I was pregnant," Ellie says. "When he was finished, he turned me over and was gonna stab me, so I started crying and said I was pregnant."

"Yeah?" Maria says. "That was real smart of you, Ellie."

"Yeah. And he kissed me on the mouth. Fucker. That's when I stole his machete and stabbed him about fifty times."

Maria's hand stops massaging Ellie's scalp. "Was it your first kiss?"

"Yeah. I should've kissed Pilar when I had the chance, but I was too chicken. I was lying there in the woods, and I was just like, '_Of course_ David is stealing my first kiss from me too.' He always knew exactly how to hurt me the worst."

"I'm sorry, Ellie." Maria lies down in the bed next to her and puts her hand on Ellie's shoulder. "You deserved so much better than that. I'm sorry Tommy and I couldn't protect you from him."

"It wasn't your job," Ellie says. "I look out for myself. I've always looked out for myself, because no one else ever has."

"I know, but you're so..." Maria sounds like she's about to say 'little' or 'young,' but she stops. "Never mind. I just wish I could have helped you, whether it was my job or not. You deserve to have people taking care of you and looking out for you. It doesn't seem fair."

"Well, according to every teacher I've ever had, 'Life isn't fair.'" Ellie rolls onto her other side and snuggles her face into Maria's chest.

"It's true," Maria says, hugging Ellie around the shoulders. "We all gotta steal happiness wherever we can. No one gets a happy ending that doesn't fight tooth and nail for it."

Ellie crosses her arms, creating a barrier between her stomach and Maria's. "Man, fuck David," she says out of nowhere. "I want to scrape all the skin off my fucking back and walk around with all the muscles showing. When I think about what he did to me, I just want to shoot myself in the head."

"Don't do that," Maria says. "We can tattoo over it. This time next year, the scars will be tough enough to get inked. It'll be badass, and no one but you will ever know what it's covering up."

The idea does make Ellie feel better. "That would be pretty sweet," Ellie says, and then her stomach clenches up. "But I probably won't even be alive then. I've gotta get to Salt Lake City as soon as my ass is healed enough to ride again."

Maria sighs. "You're really going back out there? After all this?"

"I have to," Ellie says. "I'm supposed to be the person who saves the world from the Cordyceps. David was always trying to keep me from saving the world, and that's the whole reason I left him. I _have_ to go to Salt Lake City."

"Okay, then. I won't try to talk you out of it."

"Thanks," Ellie says.

Maria's walkie talkie beeps, and she sits up. "I've gotta go back out and take care of some things. Will you be okay for a few hours?"

Ellie nods. "I feel bad enough taking you away from the people that need you already."

"Don't be silly. You needed me way more today." Maria stands up and tucks Ellie back in. "I'm glad I was around to take care of you. And I'll be around again later tonight, so don't sneak off or try to hurt yourself, okay?"

"Pfft." Ellie rolls her eyes. "I'm not that dumb. Go take care of shit and don't worry about me."

"All the same, Tommy's gonna be around," Maria says. "Will you check on him for me every hour or so? I don't want him sleeping with that concussion he got. I know you don't feel good, but I could use your help."

Ellie nods. "Cross my heart and hope to die," she says, making an X over the blanket covering her chest.

"Thanks." Maria kisses Ellie on the forehead. "I'll be home soon."

o0o0o

Ellie lies in her bed for a long time, just thinking about everything, and then suddenly it's completely dark outside and she realizes she never checked on Tommy like she promised she would.

"Tommy?" Ellie shouts from her doorway. "You still awake?"

"Yep," Tommy says. "You need anything?"

"No, just checking on you," Ellie says. She crosses her arms over her bare breasts to shield them better, and then yells, "Actually, can you bring me my backpack?"

He doesn't answer, but his heavy boots quake the stairs a moment later. Ellie pulls the sheet off her bed and wraps up in it. Tommy may be a good guy, but she doesn't want _any_ guy to see her half-naked right then.

"Here you go," he says, setting the backpack on the floor of her doorway. "You need food or anything? You been up here forever."

"I'm good," Ellie says. "Thanks. You can go now. I'm gonna get dressed."

"Holler if you need anything," Tommy says, pulling Ellie's door closed.

Ellie dumps out her backpack and finds a clean shirt to put on. After wincingly pulling it over her back, she checks every pocket and pouch of her remaining clothing, searching for her switchblade. With every piece of clothing she shakes out, Ellie gets more freaked out and upset. As she unfolds the very last shirt from the backpack, something hard falls onto her lap. It's not her knife; it's the Walkman David fixed for her.

"Goddammit!" Ellie throws her Walkman at the wall. "Fuck!"

There's a knock on her door.

"What?" Ellie demands. "What the fuck do you want from me?"

Tommy pushes open the door and sticks his head in the room. "Are you okay?"

"No!" Ellie is so mad her eyes are starting to prickle with tears. "I can't find my fucking knife!"

"The machete?" Tommy opens the door all the way and steps into the room. "Maria put it up somewhere you wouldn't have to see it."

"No!" The angry tears spill out of Ellie's eyes. "I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about my mom's switchblade! Where the fuck did you put it?"

"Ellie, I ain't seen your switchblade since the day you let me look at it," Tommy says. "Where was the last place you remember having it?"

"In the fucking woods! David fucking took it away from me and threw it on the ground somewhere." Ellie tries to hold back a little sob, but she doesn't quite succeed. "You were supposed to pick it up! Why the fuck didn't you pick it up when you were putting my clothes back on me?!"

Tommy holds both his hands up. "Sorry, Ellie. I didn't even know it was missing from your pocket. And I didn't put your clothes on you- you wouldn't let me get anywhere near you to help, remember?"

Ellie doesn't. She wants to scream and swear at Tommy forever, even though it's not his fault she lost her most prized possession. Instead, she just howls in frustration and lies face-down on the floor, her knees curled under her chest. Her arms cover her head, and she weeps almost as hard as she did in the shower earlier. "Motherfucker!" she sobs. "I should have fucking stabbed him in the dick the second I met him. That fucking switchblade was the only thing I had that belonged to my mom. I spent thirteen years not even knowing her name, much less why she left me on my own, and then Marlene gave me her knife and it was like-" She blows her nose on her sleeve and keeps on crying. "It was like I suddenly had a mom, and she was protecting me through her knife or something. I know that's stupid as fuck, but that knife was the only thing in the whole world I cared about, and I just fucking left it in the woods! I'm glad my mom is dead, because that way she can't see how shitty I am at taking care of things!" Ellie starts crying too hard to talk or breath or do anything except rock back and forth on the floor.

"Jesus, I'm real sorry Ellie," Tommy says, taking a tiny step closer to her. "I swear, I didn't even see it, or I would have grabbed it for you. I tell you what. I'll take a horse and head back out that way, see if I can find it-"

"Don't bother," Ellie says, rubbing her face on her other, not-snot-covered sleeve. "You're hurt, and it's probably already ten miles down the fucking river. I'll look for it when I head to Salt Lake City in a few days, but I probably won't ever see it again. It's my own fucking fault for not picking it up. I can't believe I lost it! Goddammit!"

"You had a lot on your mind," Tommy says. "And we can probably find it, okay? You can't be such a pessimist. Maybe good things will happen- you never know."

"I'll be a pessimist if I fucking want to," Ellie says. "I know Salt Lake City is a one-way trip. I know the Fireflies are gonna have to cut my head open and take out my brain to make a cure. I'm not gonna be around to see the world get better. It makes no fucking difference whether I see my mom's switchblade ever again or not, but I wanted to have it with me on the trip out there."

Tommy rubs at the bandage on his forehead. "You're really making me worried, Ellie," he says. "Do I need to call Maria?"

"No." Ellie shakes her head. "Don't bother Maria. Just help me find David's machete and some sleeping pills."

o0o0o

With the help of a sleeping pill, Ellie falls asleep that night holding David's machete under her pillow. She keeps jerking awake every time she dozes off, so she finally turns the lamp on. People might get pissed, but it's not that much electricity. The lamp light finally makes her feel safe enough to let go and fall asleep.

Once she's good and asleep, David climbs in through her window and uses magic to teleport them back to his bedroom in his house. Ellie kicks away the covers, which he's enchanted to hold her in bed like a pair of ropes, and then she scrambles out of the house and into the street. He chases her the whole way, stabbing Becca in the gut along the way for helping Ellie. Ellie watches Becca double over, blood gushing past her fingers, and then she keeps running. She doesn't get far. David's friends all swarm around Ellie until she's backed into a corner in an alley.

"Get the fuck back!" she screams, holding up the machete. "Get the fuck away from me!"

"Easy, Ellie," David says, touching her arm. "Shh, just take it easy."

"Fuck!" Ellie weeps, knowing he's about to shove her onto the ground and fuck her ass again. "Don't fucking touch me!" She tries to pry the hand off her arm. "Stop! Fuck, just stop!"

"Shh, Ellie, no one's hurting you. Wake up, honey."

Ellie slashes wildly with her knife, and she's rewarded with a cry of pain.

"Ow, shit! Okay, yeah, you're going to have to hold her while I-"

All of a sudden, he's tackling Ellie onto the street, pinning her arms to her side and prying the machete out of her hand. Ellie shrieks and kicks her legs. She shouldn't have cut him! What the fuck was she thinking? He's going to do something even worse this time, and all his friends are there to help. They're probably going to pull out all her teeth and toenails and then fuck her at the same time and then cut her into pieces to feed their chickens while she's still alive.

"Fuck, no, please!" she sobs. "No, no, please don't, I'm sorry, please-"

"Goddammit, Ellie, wake up!" Someone smacks Ellie on her face.

Ellie opens her eyes, still crying hysterically. Maria is hovering over Ellie with a tired look on her face and a gash of blood trickling across her right palm and down her arm. Ellie stops struggling against the arms pinning her down.

"Shit!" she breathes. "Shit, Maria, I swear I didn't mean to-"

Maria sighs. "Tommy, get her inside. I'll diffuse things with the neighbors."

The strong, hairy arms loosen their grip on Ellie, and she rolls away into a little puddle of slush. She sprints for the house as fast as she can in bare feet. Once inside, she collapses in front of the couch and buries her face in her knees.

When Tommy comes inside, he sits cross-legged about two feet away from her. "You okay?" he asks.

Ellie nods.

"You want me to keep my distance, or can I hold your hand?"

Ellie holds her left hand out without looking up. His hands are strong and rough in the spots where his shovels and hammers have worn calluses into his skin. His thumbprints exfoliate the back of Ellie's hand. It's kind of soothing.

"I'm real sorry I let that son of a bitch hurt you," Tommy says. "I swear, I never heard him sneak up on me. I should have been listening better."

"It's not your fault," Ellie says into her legs. "He's ridiculously quiet when he's in tracking mode. He can sneak up on squirrels."

"Well, he used-to could, anyhow," Tommy says. "Listen, Ellie, I know it ain't my fault, but I'm still sorry the fucker hurt you. I get this horrible feeling in my gut whenever I remember you all shaking and covered in blood. Wish I could have shot him before he laid a hand on you."

"Me too," Ellie says.

Tommy clears his throat. "I know this ain't the best time, and I don't even know if you want to know this, but... shit, I'll just say it. Ellie, I think I might be your dad."

Ellie freezes and then laughs, raising her head. "Yeah, right," she says. "You're totally fucking with me."

"No, I mean it," Tommy says. "When I first met you, I thought you kinda looked like this girl I used to know in the Fireflies. But then you didn't have the first idea where to find them, so I figured I was wrong."

Maria comes back inside. She lays the machete on top of the mantle and then silently cleans and wraps the slice on her hand while Tommy talks.

"About sixteen years ago, I took up with the Fireflies," Tommy explains. "Hit it off pretty well with a lady by the name of Anna. We got to know each other pretty well, if you know what I mean, and uh..." Tommy scratches the gauze on his head. "There was this one time during that summer when we had sex outside on a balcony where we were supposed to be keeping watch. We were trying to be fast, and we ended up breaking the condom, and... now, I ain't great with numbers, but I know that July is about nine months before April. I left near the beginning of October, and if your mama knew you were on your way then, she kept it a secret. I never heard from her after I left, but we ain't exactly living in the time of cell phones and internet anymore."

"What the fuck," Ellie says. "Like, how sure are you that you might be my dad?"

"I'm about 99 percent sure I'm the only guy she fucked between March and September that year."

"So there's a one percent chance you're not my dad."

"There's a one percent chance that we ain't related by blood," Tommy says. "There's a 100 percent chance I would be your dad, if you let me."

"I don't know," Ellie says, trying not to let her tough expression crack. "Probably safer if you don't try to be my dad. That's pretty much begging the universe to kill you."

"I'd like to see the universe try to kill any of the three of us while we're on the same team," Maria speaks up. "No one hurts my family and lives to brag about it."

"It's true," Tommy says, smiling up at his wife. "I hear God is even a little afraid of her."

"Just a little," Maria says. She stoops down and touches Ellie's face with her bandaged hand. "So _you_ don't have to be afraid anymore, okay? You could stay here and be part of our family and help take care of us when we're old and useless."

It takes everything Ellie has not to start crying like a baby. She just attacked Maria with a huge-ass machete and had to be tackled by Tommy before she killed them both, and the two of them are offering to be Ellie's family minutes later. She takes a deep, shuddery breath. "That's super sweet of you guys, but I'm not going to be here that long. I'm just another stupid kid passing through. Seriously, don't get attached to me. Best case scenario, I'll be dead in a few weeks."

Maria's nostrils flare a little, but she keeps her voice calm. "Well, if that's what you're determined to do, I figure you'll find a way."

Tommy sighs. "Is there anything you want to do with your last week of life?"

Ellie hugs her arms around herself. "I kind of want to watch a movie or something to help me fall back asleep. Something funny or happy, preferably about cowboys or spaceships or pirates or dinosaurs."

Tommy's face goes from glum to delighted like the flip of a switch. "How 'bout a funny space western about smugglers who play with toy dinosaurs?"

Ellie snorts. "You just made that up."

"No, it's a real show," Maria says. "It's cute. You'll like it. Anyone want some warm milk while Tommy hooks up the DVD player?"

Ellie makes it through two episodes and two mugs of milk before passing out on the couch. She vaguely remembers sticking her feet on Tommy's lap and resting her cheek near Maria's knee while she watches with one eye open. When she jerks awake from another nightmare, she doesn't recognize the bed or the room she's in. She sits up and tries to dig her way out from under the blankets.

"What's wrong, Ellie?" Maria asks sleepily.

"Where the fuck am I?" Ellie demands.

"You're in my bed," Maria says. "We were worried about you sleepwalking somewhere dangerous, so we carried you here."

"Oh." Ellie falls back against the pillow. "Where is Tommy sleeping?"

"He's on the couch," Maria says. "He falls asleep there sometimes, so don't worry about him. Just try to go back to sleep, if you can."

"Okay," Ellie yawns. She rolls a little closer to Maria, who puts her arm over Ellie.

"You okay?" Maria asks.

"Yeah," Ellie says. "Hey, that show was pretty cute."

"You're pretty cute yourself," Maria mumbles. "Now go to sleep."

She starts rubbing Ellie's arm, and Ellie is asleep again before she can remember her last nightmare.


End file.
